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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 7th Jul 2014, 12:54 PM   #1
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Why do I find it so hard to come out to people again?

Right, start by filling you all in on what's happened so far to me. Realised that I was either gay or bi about 9 months ago. Hit me like a tonne of bricks had been dropped on me and then a lorry on top to round it off. After about 2 1/2 months I just kind of said to myself 'right accept yourself that you're bi (I was rolling with bi at this point) because you haven't got a choice'. So after this point I gradually got a lot happier inside, not to the point of full on accepting it and being proud etc but more to the point where it was like 'oh ok then cool' if you know what I mean. So I came out to a few friends - 4 in total - that I was bi (one of them I'd come out to during that first 2 1/2 months because I knew he wouldn't judge me and what not).

Anyway fast forward to about march this year and I'd gradually been sliding my identity more towards guys I guess until the point where around that time I just thought to myself 'you know what you're probably just gay' which kind of made me a bit more depressed for a short while - about a week as far as I remember (bizarre that I'd grown to the point really of being fine with being bi but for some reason I viewed that as differently). Anyway so I talked to the friend who I spoke to about being bi first and who I'd spoke to about it on numerous occasions and he was cool with it and really helpful etc. (That was probably april-ish)

So fast forward to now and that's still the only conversation I've had about being gay rather than bi and I can't even update the people that I've already come out to once despite the fact they were all cool with it (one of them lacks a bit of sensitivity around me but gloss over that). It's kind of infuriating to some extent that people who have already been accepting I can't seem to get the words out this time - I just can't seem to progress forward with coming out right now.

I guess I kind of feel much more insecure being homosexual rather than bisexual. I kind of get that constant nagging thought of 'well are you sure that girls aren't for you etc etc' and I have this feeling that it's difficult to sort of revert to saying 'no actually I do like girls' if I come out. I suppose to an extent I'm almost scared of being attracted to girls, especially since I haven't really spoken to girls all that much (I go to an all boys school, share much more in common interest wise with guys and I guess retrospectively since I didn't really crave girls sexually as much as everyone else I just kind of let opportunities pass by to get to know some). This worries me to an extent that since I'm much more attracted to guys I know (even if they're not particularly nice people and you know relationship standard) that I'm going to rock off to uni in a years time and be attracted to some of the girls there. I guess it's making me anxious about the future aswell because I'm not really attracted to guys over 26ish and most of the guys I'm attracted are my age or a bit older so who knows what's going to happen when I'm older. So all of this is just there in the back of mind whenever I think about having that talk with someone and all of it is questions I can't answer now. Doesn't help that I'm generally quite a reserved person - don't talk much about personal stuff to people, don't like joining in conversations in big groups, don't like addressing groups of people etc etc.

This has turned out to be a bit of a vent but I thought might aswell let it all flood out with this anonymity to save myself having to have this conversation with myself in the mirror when I get out the shower tonight. So I guess really what I'm asking is how come despite the fact people I told I was bi to were cool with it and despite the fact most people around me will probably be accepting and despite the fact I have recollections of being obsessed with this boy in the year above at school when I was about 9 and possible signs earlier than that that I have vague memories of and despite the fact that even before I acknowledged same sex attraction I'd say to myself 'well if you are gay then blah blah blah' and play the classic get married have kids and just have a guy on the side nobody knows about and despite the fact I practically exclusively fantasize over guys and despite the fact the only recollection I have of being 'attracted' to girls was a stupid crush when I was about 10 and in the early stages of puberty when I was about 13 or 14 (and my attractions were probably 50:50 ish) and in spite of the fact that at this current point in time deep down I know that I'm gay, why do I have these stupid nagging ideas that I might not be? And how on earth am I meant to overcome these virtually irrational doubts to the point where I can comfortably tell other people? Also I feel like I should be able to tell the people who I've already come out to once but I just don't have the guts to for no rational reason...

Right I'll leave it there - if you've got this far through I applaud you
Oh actually while a remember, quick different question. Is it normal that there are guys who I look at and think are attractive but I'm not attracted to in spite of the fact the likelihood is guys are my thing?
Right really will leave it there - apologies for the length of this.
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Old 7th Jul 2014, 01:53 PM   #2
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Re: Why do I find it so hard to come out to people again?

Well if you're bi, that means that you still like girls too. Maybe your friends feel like they "haven't lost you" and you can still talk about attractive girls, etc. I would guess that your friends might feel that you knew that you were gay to begin with (which to me, doesn't seem like the case at all), and just used "oh, I'm bi" as a cop out or a cover up. They may be like "well, wait a minute, why did you say you were bi when you really weren't?" It's not your fault at all, and I guess they don't realize that it's hard to pinpoint exactly what you are and that not everyone is the same shade of gray. Sexuality is a confusing thing and since they've been "straight" for their entire lives, at least we can assume that, they have no idea that it takes time to identify how we feel inside.

Just tell them that you were confused and still unsure about how you felt in terms of your sexual preference. For this reason, I'd never ever tell someone my sexual orientation unless I am 100 percent sure, which I am. I thought that I was bi before, but then tried going on a couple of dates with girls in order to see if that was the case. Yep, it never worked out. I just saw them as friends, and I really wanted to be with a guy. For that reason, I can safely say that I'm gay and not bi.
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Old 7th Jul 2014, 03:09 PM   #3
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Re: Why do I find it so hard to come out to people again?

Hm I don't know mate, human sexuality is complicated. Perhaps you think you might be bi because deep down you don't want to be gay or are ashamed of admitting it, or perhaps something tells you that you still feel sexually attracted to girls too when you go our etc?

I don't know, it's really tricky. What I'd like to say is that you don't need to rectify your sexual label to those people you've already come out to if you're so confused about it yourself. I realise they're good friends, but maybe you could just say 'I'm actually still questioning where I really stand' as opposed to saying you're bi. It's not like that changes anything so you may as well not mention it, unless you think talking to them would help.

Uni can be quite scary, girls wise. Everyone is so open towards sex and it feels like it's a given that everyone's doing it all the time, and people will be doing it in halls, no matter who's listening. So if you're living in halls that can make you feel uncomfortable - I take it you've never had sex with girls before? Anyway I'm just rambling based on past experiences. I thought when I started uni I would meet insanely hot girls and they would all be desperate for the D and I would get to sleep with one (or 10) fairly easily, but that's so not what happened. Mind you, I can't even approach girls properly. So just a reminder that uni can actually help you out in figuring out whether you're bi, but that's not for certain...

In my case, even though I'm not the kind of guy who hits on girls like most guys do, I still feel sexually attracted to them. I'm just not that much of an extrovert. But vaginas and boobies please me, so I'm quite sure I'm bi.

Sorry I'm just rambling now, hope I've helped
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Old 7th Jul 2014, 05:34 PM   #4
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Re: Why do I find it so hard to come out to people again?

Sexuality is fluid and diverse. So do not feel to put on any labels. If you are attracted more to guys then girls, then just accept it. Just date people who you are attracted to.

Also, there is no need to come out as gay to your friends, if you are not happy with that label at the moment.
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Old 7th Jul 2014, 05:47 PM   #5
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Re: Why do I find it so hard to come out to people again?

Originally Posted by uniqueness View Post
Sexuality is fluid and diverse. So do not feel to put on any labels. If you are attracted more to guys then girls, then just accept it. Just date people who you are attracted to.

Also, there is no need to come out as gay to your friends, if you are not happy with that label at the moment.
This is probably the best advise anyone can give you ^

I'm going through the same thing right now accept I'm a girl and yes if I understand your last question right that is very normal. You can find someone to be attractive or beautiful while not being attracted to them. That just means they're not your type.
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