Hey all, I just registered because I'm looking for some good advice and don't really have anyone to turn to... I'm in a somewhat complicated place right now and don't know how to feel/deal with it. Please stay with me, this will definitely get long... For starters, I probably had my first inkling that I was gay when I was about 13-years-old. I knew in the back of my head anyway that I was different from most other guys in school - at no point in my memory have I ever been interested in girls. But my problem growing up (and it still is a problem) was/is that I come from a very Catholic, conservative family. I dealt with some serious anxiety in my teen years, mostly because, despite knowing it in my heart, my upbringing made me, well, scared to even entertain the possibility that I could be gay. So I was in denial for a pretty damn long time - I was afraid of how my parents would react, especially my Dad, and convinced myself that I was going through a phase. And from the time I was 16 till I was around 18, I thought I was "better," since I had found ways to shut those thoughts out... Anyway, come my junior year of college, I finally got tired of being all torn up inside about my sexuality - it was consuming my thoughts pretty frequently and making me miserable all the time and like something was wrong with me. So that summer, I did a lot of thinking and was eventually able to come to terms with who I am. I've since come out to a few good friends and to one sister with whom I'm really close, and the reaction has been nothing but positive (in fact, I recently found out that that sister is also gay... surprise, I guess). To be honest, I'm in better place mentally and emotionally than I've been in years and feel a lot better about life in general. I've even given some thoughts to pursuing a relationship. So at this point, at 22, I'm fine with who I am and am much happier in general. But here's where things get a bit tricky. I recently graduated from college and moved home. It's kind of rough living under my parents roof when I need to hide such a vital part of myself from them and my other three siblings. I just don't know that the reaction would be a good one (they've got no idea or suspicions, trust me). While I can talk to my one sister about some things, she's far less open about her sexuality than I am and has more or less made up her mind that she's not going to come out until she's moved out of the house (which is easy for her to say given that she's 8 years older than me). As much as I'd consider moving out, as a recent graduate who's still financially dependent on my parents, that's simply not feasible. So anyway, bottom line is that, for me, the anxiety of being unsure of my sexuality has been replaced over the last few months by frustration over my inability to come out to those most important people in my life, despite wanting to so desperately - it's just not the best idea right now, and I know that deep down (recently had a death in the family, have an autistic younger brother who has frequent episodes, parents still think I'm religious and drag me to church... lots of tension here already). So - do I risk a highly negative reaction so that I can be out, or do I continue to suck it up for a few years yet be safe? I'm just so unsure about this one... For my own sanity I'd really like to be out to them by my 23rd birthday next year, but I'm torn. Any suggestions/advice/people with similar experiences they'd like to share? I'm not miserable per se, but I hate feeling so stuck.
Hi Raven, and welcome! The usual advice that is given to a person who want to come out to their parents (especially religious ones) is to wait until they are financially independant and/or have an accepting person to stay with if the proverbial sh*t hits the fan. I think it's great that you really want to come out and be honest with them, but from what you've said - it will probably make your life easier in one way and harder in multiple ways. If you're determined to tell them while you're still living with them - first make some good gay or gay friendly friends that you can stay with during the coming out process. In addition - to put yourself in the absolute best position - do everything in your power in the meantime to become financially independant. I'm not sure if it's the case for you, but coming out of the 'non-religious' closet might be a slightly easier than the 'gay closet'. So think about doing that first. It might also be good practice. I would assume that coming out as non-religious at least wouldn't get your kicked out, discommunicated or financially cut-off. Could be wrong there though (not having religous parents myself). Hope something there helps. Peace! (*hug*)
Hi welcome to our site. What I would reccomend doing is coming out to parents who might not accept you is to wait until you have a job of your own and can support yourself. That way if they kick you out of the house, or make it so you don't want to live in the house with them, you won't be out on the streets. I'm so sorry that you're parents are homophobic. My mother is a Catholic, and while I wan't sure how she would take it, I knew that she would never throw me out or anything. When I finally told her she was fine with it. I mean we were both crying, but she's Italian, so we tend to have big emotional displays over everything. It turned out that not only did my mom have gay friends in college and went to parties where she was the only straight woman there, but she also knew I wasn't straight since I was 5. Just because your parents are Religious doesn't mean they won't accept you. If they are following their religion correctly, they would know to love everyone and never abandon your children.
Wow, I'm practically in the same boat as you are! :O Well, I'll be 22 in three weeks. I think what you should do is talk to a professional. They can probably offer advice in terms of coming out to your parents and just letting you channel your feelings altogether. Being in a house like that and cooped with all of that frustration can't be good for you. Like the above person said, try to find a job and move out. If they don't take it well, which is the worse case scenario, then you lose nothing. You have your home and you'll be okay. Under your parents' roof, I can't say the same thing. I wish you the best of luck (*hug*)
I'm not quite as old as you but I am definitely in the same predicament not only is my family religious but my after is also a pastor. I also want to be honest with them, the only difference is I want to stay religious which is my other challenge. But back to you, the advice I keep getting, like many other people have said is wait until you can support yourself. Or you could move in with a friend who you trust and I a supporter of the LGBT community and live with them so you can tell your parents when your birthday comes around. Good luck, hope it goes we'll.
:eek:I'm in a very similar situation as you. I'm a closet 'gaytheist' (atheist who is gay) living under my parents' roof after getting my undergraduate degree. They are very conservative, anti-gay Catholics. Like previously mentioned, I'd recommend gaining financial independence and a backup plan before coming out in case the worst case scenario unfolds. In my experience, coming out of the non-religious closet is easier than the gay closet. However, in my case that may be because one of my brothers came out of the non-religious closet before me, while I came out of the gay closet to them through my internet search history. However, coming out of the religious closet may have been easier for me since my brother came out as an atheist before me, but they found out I was gay through my internet search history before college. As you may have imagined, them finding out I was gay did not go well.
I have a pretty good idea (I think) and no one I saw said it.... Why not talk to the sister that knows and see if she would let you stay with her when she moves out if things go poorly... Tell her you would be the proverbial guinea pig if she had your back with a place to stay if the s#it hits the fan... if she hesitates just tell her she would know how the parents would react when she told them, because you will have already told them... That is assuming you can wait til she moves out AND you are close enough to stay with her by yourselves that long, but from what I read it seems like it could work...
