Hi everyone, Looking for advice online is something I've never done. I haven't found a post describe my situation so there you go. I'm 27 and have just ended a 5 years relationship with my boyfriend who I lived with because I started questioning my orientation. I am not even sure that I am a lesbian because I have never kissed, touched, slept with another woman before. I have never told anyone about my feelings, but they have become more obvious to me lately. My family was very surprised when I separated from my boyfriend. It was the perfect scenario with both good jobs, were talking about buying a house and getting married, etc. I feel I really wanted all this back then, but I liked the idea of it more than anything. I feel sad I've hurt him and waisted his time. I don't intend to tell him about any of this as it would only hurt him. I'm only addressing this part of my story to show how my denial has impacted someone else's life and my own. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel that I am starting this process very late and have a million questions 1. I don't know if I really am a lesbian, but I find women beautiful and attractive. I know that women have been attracted to me in the past but I have always rejected them, sadly. A lot of people think I'm gay just by looking at me. I feel connected to gay women when I meet them, like I get looks on the tube etc. On several occasions, women have asked other people if I were single or directly asked me out. I had several crushes for as long as I can remember, teachers, Julia Roberts, my best friend from uni who turned out to be a lesbian. I matched her up with a friend and they have been together for 6 years now. I have always presented to like men, boys bands and I still comment on finding guys "hot" when I think that they are just good looking. On the other hand, when I see an attractive woman, I really think she is "hot" but I don't say it. Do you think I am a lesbian? 2. I don't have any lesbian friends and I don't really know how to meet them. I don't know if a woman could be bothered with someone like me. Not exactly gold star, outed and literally no experience. I just don't know where to start to get the exposure that I need. I'll wait for the next party and see what happens, but I'm also at a stage where I want to take control of my life. I wouldn't be comfortable about being out with everyone, would a potential girlfriend accept that? I can't even come out to my therapist!!! Do you think I'm too old? Too damaged goods? May sound like an odd question, but you get the feeling... 3. My family is not very tolerant when it comes to homosexuality. They don't understand it. I feel that it's horrible to raise your children by telling them that your love is conditional. I feel that they wouldn't love me anymore, that I would shame them. My dream life would really be to have a life where I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed for loving another woman. I'm very mad at my parents because of how they have educated me. They kept feeling sorry for my ex boyfriend when I broke up with him. Sometimes I feel angry, I feel I perhaps wouldn't have hurt him in the first place if they had been accepting of gay people. I would have come out early and never have hurt him in the first place. I also know that I can't blame others for my actions. I feel that I have done the right thing by stoping my relationship as it would enable my ex to build a new life with the right person. I feel really sad that my family would not value that. I am wrong regardless of what I do, wrong for being gay. Sorry if this sounds a little dramatic, it's not that bad really, I feel I headed the right way, but just need a little guidance from people in the know. Many thanks, E
Eileen, I'm struggling with a lot of these same issues myself, and a bit older than you. I don't think you are too old or damaged goods. Nobody should feel that way about themselves. I've also done the 'pretend to like some guy everyone else does' thing, too. It gets tiring, hey? As for being out, you might change your mind once you feel more confident and secure in yourself. You have a right to figure out your own comfort level, and to find a partner who is of the same mindset. I'm sorry that your family is not supportive. Mine was not either, when I first came out. I ended up going back in the closet to have a "normal" life, but you know what? It didn't work. Your family doesn't have to live your life -- you do. Good luck, hang tight.
Well, my first thought is, maybe you should get a new therapist. As someone who has had a few in the past, this is definitely something you should be able to share with them. Maybe not right away, but eventually. In fact if you not sure about your sexuality they may be the perfect person to talk to about it. Also, you are NOT wrong for being gay. It is not your fault that you are. And is there any chance you therapy is linked to repressed feelings like this? Anyways, I hope things work out. I know I am not an expert in this area, however I know that everyone deserves their dream life, and if this is what it takes for you to pursue yours, it may not be perfect for everyone, but it had to be done. You dont want to be 50 and find out all of these feelings. Remember the gay politician a few years back in america? Discovered in his 50s that he was gay, resigned, divorced, moved... You wouldnt want that.
You are not too old or damaged goods. I'm 37, and now ex-husband and 3 kids. And I still have hope I know the guilt too well of feeling like you wasted his time. And there is nothing wrong with being gay. Born This Way- Lady Gaga LYRICS - YouTube I listen to this when I need a boost I separated from my ex and told my kids and parents, friends, and I've never had any experience. But I don't need it to know what I like. Heterosexuals don't wait until they have sex with the opposite sex to determine their straight, it's natural. We, however, are taught it's wrong and so repress any same-sex desires resulting not realizing until later in life. Finally, don't let anyone else dictate how you should feel, only you know that. others will either accept you or they won't and any negative reactions they have is their reactions, not your fault.
First of all, kudos for being able to realize that you are questioning your orientation. Breaking it off with your boyfriend was probably very hard, but it sounds like it was the right decision. If you're having doubts, it's better to do it now and save yourself some heartache later down the road. Now that you are single, take some time to really think about what you want and explore your desires. Of course wait til you're ready, and don't force yourself into situations you're not comfortable with. But the only way for you to figure your feelings out is to experiment and go through things.
Hi I don't think that your too old at all (i'm 40) everyone has a first time some of us are just gonna have several more!! I feel prehap's a little silly and awkward but can't go back and be a loud and proud twenty year old (if I could I would). I fell for a lovely women at your age but couldn't tell her because I was not ready or in denial who knows, but it was more than just a friendship for sure nothing sexual went on but you just know inside. My suggestion is try and find a women's group where you can just go and be yourself no pressure and see if interacting with women in similar a situations will help. I have done just that and have found it very helpful and enpowering gaining new friends along the way, still not out apart from a few women at group, doing these positive things will help to build your confidence at first its daunting but anything worth doing is often scary.....my advice is take your time and go at your own pace. Good luck take comfort in the fact your not alone.:icon_wink
Thanks to all for taking the time to read and reply. I think it's time to take action and grab the opportunities that are given to me when they arise. I don't really regret my past with guys and how long it has taken me to realise that I might be a lesbian. It just happened the way it did and that's ok. I guess I'm simply a little afraid of the unknown and of the technicalities around love, sex, family planning, coming out to people, etc. I will take things slowly as advised and for the therapist, it will be my first challenge to come out to her. In reference to the above, true that straight people know before they have sex with anyone. I think I question it more simply because it is not so accepted even though a lot of progress was made. That's it then, feelings acknowledged and accepted I'm thinking of starting online dating, however I'm not sure it's a good idea for a first ever experience... Perhaps the subject of a new thread... Thanks to all again for your very supportive messages. E
I've been doing online dating. It's not always ideal, but begin by looking for friends. I have made one friend who is wonderful, and another person who I haven't met in person yet, but at the very least will be a very good friend I have no doubt. Both of us wanted friends only, but we seem to have a very good connection, and even when we talked on phone it was good, all is left is to meet. But I know enough to know that I could definitely be friends with her if nothing else. The thing I discovered after acknowledging and accepting, I wasn't ready for a relationship. I had some internal homophobia I needed to work out. You do what's right for you and work at your own pace. It'll be different. i remember first time meeting someone. The first official person didn't know me as straight before. It was great, but strange Now, I feel ready for a relationship. Find out what you are ready for, what previous thoughts or feelings you need to overcome. It's not like when you began dating boys (I feel like a teenager again, everything is new and scary), but much better and different. I feel much better and happier, and everything makes sense now. Women, so much better. And to actually have romantic thoughts, I said this somewhere else, but having feelings is so new. I don't know what to do with it, but I like it
Yes I would like to follow the path you are suggesting. Just meeting some friends that I can hang out with and be open too. It's the technicality of how to meet them that's a bit of an issue for me. That's why I was tempted by online dating. I guess I just have to wait to meet that one girl that will open up my world. I'm just socialising and keeping an eye out for her. I've been tuning in recently and all of a sudden, I can only see lesbians everywhere, it's interesting! Thanks HTBO! I wonder what that stands for...
