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So...advice please?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sarah23, Jul 10, 2014.

  1. Sarah23

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    (This came from my blog so it's a bit long, sorry!)
    Okay so today in the car my mom and I were talking about a girl who used to be my best friend (who I also had a crush on). The girl had pretty much ignored me for four months and had just become friendly towards me again. I was saying how I think she has a crush on the girl who's her new best friend and that's why she ditched me and started changing. I know her well enough to know what she does when she has a crush on someone. She tries to impress them by changing herself. She tried to impress me when she had feelings for me (I had feelings for her, too, but we never dated). When she had a crush on one of our teachers she tried to impress him. She always tried to impress her boyfriend. This behavior is typical of her and I wasn't surprised when she started doing it again.
    Anyway, my mom asked if I thought she was bisexual. I said she could be, but I don't know. We never really talked about our sexuality. Anyway, so my mom said how she thinks that we're too young to know who we are anyway and shouldn't be defining ourselves in 8th/9th grade (I'm going into 9th). She said this with an undertone of bitterness that made it clear that she didn't believe me when I told her and my dad I'm bisexual a month ago. I wanted to respond with a comment about how if I said I was straight she wouldn't tell me I don't know. So instead I just said that I have liked both girls and boys my whole life and left it at that. However, I really wanted to state my mind then and there.
    This really bugs me because I want my parents to believe me. I'm going to be fifteen in November. I'm not too young to know who I am. I also had planned to come out to them later this month and now I don't think I can because they won't take me seriously. Well, my mom definitely won't. I want to be out at school or at least be able to tell people I'm bi, more than my two friends, but if I did my mom would probably be angry.
    Has anyone had this happen to them before? Could I have some advice on coming out to them without them thinking I'm confused? I could really use it.
     
    #1 Sarah23, Jul 10, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2014
  2. TJ

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    Just a starting clarification question:
    You already have tried coming out to your parents, but they didn't believe you? And you want to try again later this month?
    The way you worded it was a bit confusing to me.

    Your mom's reaction is a fairly common one.
    Many parents experience a sense of loss (in this case, the loss of the perception that you're straight) when their child comes out to them. All of the dreams that they had about you while you grew up (a boyfriend, a husband, grandkids, etc.) are being threatened when you tell them you like both sexes, and so it's natural for them to reject the idea.
    The five stages of grief/loss are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, and people don't always go through them in that order.

    You're absolutely right - as an almost 15-year old you definitely can know what your sexuality is.

    My advice for you coming out to them is that you have a very firm, but gentle, conversation with them.
    Tell them how you've thought for a long time about your sexuality and eventually came to the conclusion that you do like both sexes. Regardless of whether they believe you or not, that's how you're going to feel, and having their support and understanding would mean so much to you.

    Let us know what's up! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Sarah23

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    Yes, I've come out to them before and they did't believe me. I want to try later this month. I just reread what I wrote and you're right the wording is a bit confusing:lol:
    Thanks for the advice, too. Hopefully this next time I try they'll at least try to understand. I think my dad would be better at accepting it the second time around than my mom. I feel like I disappoint her in some ways because I'm not girly and we've never really been close because our personalities aren't similar. My dad and I have similar personalities so we've always understood each other better than my mom and I have. She wants me to be more like her and she's constantly comparing me to her when she was my age. Not being straight probably did disappoint her because now in her eyes I'm even farther away from the usual girly, straight teen daughter role and further away from being like her.
    Regardless of what her reaction is, I do hope she at least tries to be open to the fact that I'm bi instead of denying it.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    TJ offered some great advice, but I would just offer this in addition... remember that you have control of your reaction to any questions or statements from your parents. If you react in a negative or hostile way you'll set the tone for a negative conversation about your sexuality and may give off the impression that you are unhappy about it and haven't thought it through.

    Have a good think about some of the questions they might ask and be prepared with your answers. Remain confident and positive and make a real effort to answer all their questions fully (even the silly ones that might annoy or irritate you) and you will demonstrate a mature attitude that shows how comfortable you are with your orientation.

    By taking this approach you are more likely to convince your Mom and Dad that this isn't a teenage fad that will pass in a few years time.

    Best of luck.
     
    #4 PatrickUK, Jul 11, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2014
  5. Sarah23

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    Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely keep these things in mind.