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Father, Married, Bi, Closeted

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by cthulhudreams, Jul 12, 2014.

  1. cthulhudreams

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi I’m Cliff

    I’m a 29 year-old bisexual male in a long-term committed relationship (married) with a woman, and the father of a son under a year old.

    I’m not out of the closet.

    In fact – I’m not sure if I’ll ever completely come out.

    I ‘discovered’ the truth of my bisexuality less than six months ago, while in a deep depression. Suicidal depression… not caused by my closeted status (but then again, not helped by it.) I’ve precisely zero experience with men beyond pornography. Why no experience? Let me count the ways:

    1., I grew up in a solidly Catholic family, in a solidly catholic/waspy neighborhood of a large town in New England. My family, friends and others were all minimally accepting (at best) of those of queer orientations – or at least they didn’t outwardly support those that were. In any case, I was closeted away from any influence that might lead me to question heteronormativity through much of my early life.

    2., I went to a Catholic high-school – it was a small community with my class under 100 persons, and I know of only two definitively non-hetero graduates within the timeframe of my four years there. No one was ‘out’. No one even discussed it much until Massachusetts became the first state to legalize SSM in ’03. Even then – nada. I recall trying to start a ‘gay-straight alliance’ on campus but despite some faculty backing I got approximately four-ish compatriots and before we even started, the administration nipped it in the bud. Meanwhile, I remember the taunting chants of “Cliff’s gay! Cliff’s a fag!” from those in my class – even some I considered friends, resounding in my mind and further ‘helping’ to distance myself from my same-sex predilections.

    3., Despite my attraction to men, I have always been more attracted to women. Given the limited availability of partners of the same sex, I was happy just to engage in anything… skipping from partner to partner with limited discretion after: A. My first gf shattered me with repeated acts of infidelity and, B. The gf I ended up falling for senior year burning me right after my profession of love. Still, no men around me were out – save a two I worked with (one much older, one in a relationship) – so I remained closeted, sticking to women.

    4., In college, for the first few months I was promiscuous in the extreme before finding the love of my life and soul-mate. At this point there were numerous ‘out’ men around but, stuck in my ways – and eventually finding my life-partner I never engaged in SSA – though, there I began to more outwardly participate in Ally events… even protesting on the statehouse steps for marriage equality in my College’s state (not a huge deal to some but god it felt good).

    In any case – I didn’t go looking for my bisexuality. I just assumed my appreciation for the male form was ‘artistic’ in nature and didn’t explore it in the slightest. Ten years later, I’m married, a father and the obvious became clear to me… I’m Bi.

    So there it is. I’ve come out to my wife who said equal parts ‘duh’ and has been extremely supportive thus-far (so long as my SSA is limited to porn and other indirect activities)… I’ve come out to my best friend, who apologized for not making an effort to stop the aforementioned taunting… I’ve come out to my younger brother, a teenager whose response was generally blasé but said ‘I just want you to be happy, bro.’... I’ve come out to a pair of lesbian friends one of which was helpful – the other is someone who uses terms like ‘platinum’ lesbian for herself, and was modestly dismissive.

    Other than that, I’m stuck halfway out the closet. I’m not certain if I should just broadcast it loudly or keep it to myself. In my mind, arguments against include:

    1. It doesn’t really affect my interpersonal relationships in the slightest… all it will do is call attention to myself – and my wife…

    2. I don’t want my wife to face scrutiny of those who’ll consider me instantly as an unfaithful partner as a bisexual… or just a gay man in the early stages of coming out (thanks Dan Savage).

    3. I don’t particularly want to deal with backlash from gay and lesbian friends (of which I have dozens) who’ll think my coming out now (when the war – at least in the Northeast – seems all but one) with the ‘limited’ experience I have is just a political/’hip’ move.

    4. I’m worried about the backlash within my (significantly) Catholic family… I know they’ll love me regardless… but as someone already dealing with MDD, OCD and GAD… even the slightest negativity could send me into a bad spiral.

    Arguments for include:

    1. It sets an example in my workplace. I’m no ‘big fish’ but I do work within the professional athletic community and if my coming out helps the cultural sea change in pro locker rooms, then it’s a good thing.

    2. It sets an example for my brother… and my son. If I’m too afraid to be who I am, publically – what message does this send to them?

    3. It will be a relief. Like I mentioned, I’m attempting to crawl out of a deep pit of depression and high-anxiety… announcing to my family, friends and social media followers that I’m bi will help to assuage some of those feelings.

    4. I’m no stranger to feminist/queer politics and I believe that I can contribute positively to the global movement and, specifically, the bisexual movement which some would argue has been neglected and marginalized to some extent. Hopefully another positive voice would contribute to the forward progress.

    5. It’s the right thing to do.


    I don’t expect much in the way of absolute negativity. I am from Massachusetts, from a well-educated middle-class family and my friends generally inhabit the same socio-economic/cultural strata. What I do expect is a fairly indifferent attitude from some (either “It’s just a phase” or “he just wants attention”) and a fairly concerned/detached attitude from the more religious members of my circles (“God still loves you, but…” or completely ignoring my statement).

    So my questions to the community are

    A: Should I come out… even without experience (and not planning on it)?

    ….and if “A” is “Yes!” then….

    B: How should I come out to my parents…? (They’ll accept me… but my guess is they’ll be ‘dismissive’)

    C: How should I come out to my employer (Working in an athletics field, closely with athletes… this is something I might want to share…)?

    D: How should I come out to the community at large (social media)… Strap a big “I’M BISEXUAL!!!” banner to my FB page and twitter account?

    E: How are some ways I can contribute in affecting positive change for others in the Queer community and, specifically the Bi community?

    Anywho, thanks for the help and I appreciate you reading the ‘ol ‘wall-o-text’.

    -C
     
  2. ABeautifulMind

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    I would say you have already come out. Your friends know, your wife knows, you might tell your family. Beyond that who needs to know? People you care about. You can still support gay rights without having it worn as a badge. Just be happy people you care about know.
     
  3. cthulhudreams

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for your comment. So far, I am happy with those I have told for the most part but like I said... only a few people know: Only three friends know and only one family member. I still feel pretty closeted - as evinced by my chosen title, and the fact that I'm still having trouble expressing/explaining my situation even to the four 'outsiders' who know.

    I know I can support LGBTQ rights without wearing it as a badge - I've been marching and rallying and what not for more than a decade now - but I feel the 'need' because of my occupational experiences... and the knowledge that institutional homophobia is deep-seeded in my field.

    Like I said, I'm significantly involved with athletics - and one pro sport in particular. I believe that my position (however insignificant in the scheme of things) adds to the imperative to come out - and come out publicly. I know this won't evoke a sea change and it won't be national (or likely even local) news but it's a step in the right direction, IMO.
     
  4. Clay

    Full Member

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    There's a section of this forum, LGBT in Later Life, that has many people in your situation. You might find the best help if you post this thread there.