I have 72 hours to tell my father

Hi everyone. For those of you that have read my update of about a week ago, you may know what I am about to say. Two weeks ago, I came out to my mother while my father was upstate. Now, its just the opposite... my mother is away for the weekend, and I am home with my father. I have been having many mixed emotions about telling my father, and then how to tell my father.

My mother returns Monday afternoon, and I want to tell my father before she returns. She said that when I do tell him, she can be right there as emotional support. But I want to "man up" and tell him myself. My mother said that he would not hate me, and he would not kick me out of the house (no, I am not a dead beat 23 year old, I still live at home but I pay rent and am trying to find a condo closer to my job). She just said that he would not understand it.

Like, for instance, my two best friends are brothers. One has a girlfriend, lets call him Bob. I asked my mother, once I came out to her, what she would think if I brought home a boyfriend one day, similar to how Bob brings home his girlfriend. She said she'd be fine with it, but my father wouldn't understand it. He is a good person at heart, but he is very strongly opinionated. He doesn't believe in inter racial marriage, and he sometimes mimicks feminine acting guys on TV. And yet, he still loved my one aunt, who was a lesbian until she died of cancer 11 years ago.

I was talking to "Bob" again the other day, and I mentioned not telling my father at all. And he said that that would be just plain wrong. "What happens if it slips out, or you quickly fall in love with someone... then, oh yeah dad, by the way... everyone around you knows but not you." I believe he is entirely right. I just don't want to make the road ahead any shakier. We haven't always been the closest father and son unit, but have been somewhat closer in the most recent five years or so.

Sorry for the length of this post. I am 23 years old and I still need a bit of help. This isn't the first time asking for it, but I am really in a bind. I finally gathered the courage to tell my mother, and now I need to do the same with my father. Thanks in advance.

 

Thanks all. My father and I are having dinner together tonight. I think that this is going to be my goal... to tell him the truth. I think I can be man enough to tell him without my mother there. I think that it may actually help him to ask me any questions he may have. I think my only real fear is that he will feel less comfortable with my two best friends coming over (they are guys). I don't want him to think anything irrational and think we are doing anything sexually or anything like that. I am not sure where his head is going to be after I tell him.

 

No, my two best friends are absolutely straight. Good call - I will make this absolutely clear. I really think that it would be best if we had our dinner time to talk about it, without my mother around. I think that my mother would be very comforting, but I think that my father would respect it more that I told him out right rather than "running to mommy." We just need to have a man to man conversation. Do you agree?

 

Just a quick update. I did not tell him last night, as I knew deep down I wouldn't have the courage to do so. I chickened out. Tonight, we are ordering pizza, just the two of us, and I think we are going to watch a movie.

Do you think this is a good time to tell him? I don't want it to be awkward tonight or anything, and I don't want him to be sad and depressed. I don't think he will be angry, just upset and it will ruin his mood, I think. I want to tell him so badly, but I cannot bring myself to do so! It's soooo frustrating!

For the record, I have gone running three times today to try to clear my head. My legs have not ached so bad since my baseball days. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

 

Thanks again, everyone. Tonight has come and gone, and I did not tell him. My mother is due back tomorrow around dinner time, so I think I am going to try to tell him over lunch, or maybe I can catch his right after he finishes reading his paper. Anyway, Modells is having a huge sale on some shirts that I love for work, so I think I am going to set aside some time in the late morning or early afternoon, tell him, and let him have plenty of time to ask me any questions he wants to. Then, once he's done, I think I will head out and do a little shopping to help clear the air.

I think this is a good plan, and I know that Asteroid has re-inforced the idea that it is okay to hold off telling him for a little while, but I am going to be really disappointed in myself if I do not get it off my chest. I am 23 years old, turning 24 in the fall, and I really want to put the time and effort that I am currently using to hide my sexuality from my father into finding potential guys who would be a good match and trying to set up a date here and a date there. And I know that those days will not come until I have the chance to tell my father up front that I am interested in guys. I don't even fear rejection. All I fear is that he will run the slippery slope fallacy and think... everytime we see a hot guy on TV, "is Matt turned on?" every time I go on my computer, and I looking up gay porn? every time I go "out with friends for the night" am I sucking some guys dick? You know, just run to ignorant assumptions.

He is an opinionated guy, but my mother says that he is a very caring guy. He is just one of those guys who will care about your like no other but never show it, and certainly never say it. When I was in college, my mother used to always tell me that he would be super concerned... "make sure he comes home during daylight hours, its dangerous driving on the highway at night.." things like that. And whenever he has his friends over at the house and I am not around, he apparently used to gloat about how proud he was of me. Yet, he'd never tell that to ME. We have never been as close as most fathers and sons are, but there was always love for each other when push comes to shove. And in my college and post-college years, we've become somewhat closer. I just don't want to ruin that, but I have come to the conclusion that if my sexuality is a determining factor in that, then it wasn't meant to be. But I don't think it will.

Sorry for rambling on. It makes me feel so much better to just put my thoughts on paper... or keystrokes on an awesome web forum. Thanks again.

 

Running the risk of sounding like a broken record, let me once again say thank you to everyone for cheering me on and providing advice to me. The 72-hour window has come and gone, and my father still does not know. I think I am going to make arrangements to tell him either one night this week during dinner, or during our standard big dinner on Sunday. I just wish that I had the guts to tell him man-to-man.

On a slightly more interesting note, I just had a conversation with my uncle (he, and my mother, are the only family that know at the moment). Let me preface this by saying that I came out to him at lunch at a casino one day, and he was his normal, supportive but in a funny way, self. So, I told him that I chickened out and the weekend has come and gone. Aside from telling me to wait until I am ready, he said "and you acted surprised when you told me that you want to be the catcher and not the pitcher?" I thought that was kinda funny. I am definitely more of the submissive than the dominant type. But still, I just don't want there to be much drama during the week. I want to get it over with.

420inc, I have thought about having my mother tell him for me, but when I did tell her, she had said that "you need to have this conversation with him, and I will be there to support you." I think it would, in the long term, be far less dramatic if I told him rather than (a) having someone else tell him, or (b) writing it in a letter. Not that there is anything wrong with those options - there is not! But knowing my father, that would portray me as the weak gay son rather than the gay son.