27 and Having hard time with sexuality and coming out regret

Welcome to EC. Is it possible that you don't have an emotional attachment to men because you are not allowing yourself to experience that? Many people experience internalized homophobia, as well as denial, and repression, and these can be preventing you from feeling an emotional connection. Having a sexual attraction to men may make it appear more acceptable because it's physical only, however, when you begin to include emotional connections it becomes much more personal and real. Just a thought.
As far as telling your mother and not experiencing any great feelings of relief, I think this may be because you have not accepted it yourself yet, and it'll be difficult to feel relieved until you find self-acceptance. If you have no attraction, either physical or emotional to women, then it's probably safe to assume you are not straight. It's a confusing period, I can relate. When I began questioning I thought there is no way I can be gay, and yet I am, and happy about it.
What I suggest is you begin to work on how you feel around men, begin to let go of the denial, and don't hold back. Look at men, how do they make you feel? What kind of relationships have you had in the past with men. It wasn't until recently that I began to remember I've always had much stronger connections with females, and even as a kid, than males. I just thought it was because I was female and could relate, but the more I think about it, I connected with them on a much deeper level. Try to be really open and honest with yourself, and if it's possible find a therapist. Many people on here have gone to therapy and it has helped them quite a bit.
And I don't think you will offend anyone, or I suppose I should say many, by wishing you were straight and can move on. I have read many posts saying the same thing. It's not easy to be 'deviant', especially when we have been taught all of our lives that being straight is normal and anything else is not. The unfortunate thing is that most of us on this site are not straight and we all face similar battles, yet we have each other for support and you have come to a very good place.

 

Hey TroubledMind!

Welcome to EC! I think you've explained yourself well.

We're raised our entire lives to believe we'll find a woman, settle down and live the American Dream. But we are men who are attracted to other men. Our reality is in sharp contrast to society's ideals regarding relationships. It can take a lot of time to come to terms with the loss of that "perfect life." The fact that you are out to your mother is a great first step. My first coming out was really positive, but like you I didn't feel like a huge weight lifted. Instead, I had a tense 10 hour car ride home. I was dropping expletives the whole way!

I think there is definitely some internalized homophobia at work in your mind. The struggle with accepting the term gay isn't uncommon. Gay simply means that you are sexually and/or romantically attracted to other men. Society tries to paint this picture that men have to be feminine to be gay. That you have to love Barbra Streisand. That you have to have sex with lots of men.

The truth is while there are gay men who fit some or all of those stereotypes, there are a lot of gay men who drink beer, who are mongamous, who love to hunt, or are into other traditionally masculine activities. And all of us from the most feminine to the most masculine are equally gay. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum though.

I don't expect that to necessarily sit easy in your mind right now. It does take time to see beyond a lot of the stereotypes that get hammered into our subconcious. Still working on it myself! Hope we can be of help on this journey. It's not always easy, but it is worth it.

 

I am in a similar situation as well-I'm into "masculine" activities and have a lot of trouble meeting others like me. I am not at all interested in those that are "obviously" gay. Sorry if my post is offensive, I am just very frustrated and afraid, similar to OP.

 

Hi there Troubledmind

You remind me a lot of myself. It took me quite a while to come to grips with the idea (at first) and then the confirmation as well as breaking the news to people close to me.

Hang in there bud. It is a bit of a shocking thing for yourself to process. Also, there will be someone for you "out there" that shares common ground and character traits. Just NEVER EVER be so desperate that you end up in a situation with another person where you do not want to be.

Best of luck. Welcome to EC. *hug*

 

You're absolutely in the right place. FWIW, I came out to my parents last year, age 28.

I guess the huge question that you're grappling with is "what is my sexuality?"

One way to answer that question (at least the way I make sense of it) is to look at sexuality as being 3 things;

1. What you want to do.
2. What you actually do.
3. What people think you do.

I struggle to believe that *anyone* reconciles all three of those, permanently and completely. Everyone finds their best fit. I guess many people don't even think about this at all - it's just kinda obvious to them.

I guess my point is - those three things are what really matter. Making sense of them & bringing them somewhat into line is what will make you happy & give you hope for the future.

 

Hey mate! Glad you came on here!

Your predicament sounds identical to mine.

I'd say 50% of gay guys, if not more would choose to be straight if we could just for the easiness of it.

I'm considered a "Straight-gay" as well, nobody really suspected, i'm definitely not the stereotypical gay guy, quite masculine, all the traits of a "straight" guy but just with the attraction to men instead.

I found it more like a weight had been "lifted" when i told my best mates that i was gay. It was great, finally accepting it, and they were cool with it because i've known them for 10 years. Accepting it is hard but once you've told all the people you feel that matters. Then i'd say it takes about a week or two for everything to feel normal.

You'll probably have some people avoid you a little but not greatly, just don't be going "THAT MAN IS FIT" ect... Just be like you were before and kind of ease into it for people to adjust. This should probably come natural to you since you've hid it for so long like myself.

But literally the first step is self acceptance. and its different for everyone, i had to feel accepted by people i care about beforei could accept myself which is from my need to put other peoples feelings infront of my own. I don't know why i do this but it's just the way im programmed.

CHIN UP BUD! Everything gets better, it really does. When you find someone like you and then your friends see them and realise they aren't stereotypically gay aswell, its great, you see them kind of opening their mind to everything and feeling more open to other things.

 

I can relate to parts of how you are feeling. I often thought of myself as being a 'straight' guy who just happened to be attracted to guys. I knew I was attracted to guys physically, but not emotionally. Then, when I was 20 I gathered enough courage to mess around with a guy for the first time. I'll skip the details, but what started as a physical attraction turned into an emotional attraction as well. It was very strange at first because my mind was not used to what was happening. There is actually an extremely long thread on here that I started if you want more details, but long story short, I am now dating that same guy I messed around with and its been 2.5 years now. So much for not being emotionally attracted to guys...

 

Welcome to EC! Congrats on taking the first step. Just know that what you are feeling is not that different from what a lot of guys feel. I also considered myself a regular guy who just happened to be gay. No one suspected--except as it turned out my mother, as it seems was also the case for you. I also initially thought it was only a sexual thing--I had in fact had relationships with women and never imagined doing so with a man. Now I've been with my partner for 16 years. There's so much conditioning that goes on that I found a lot of what I thought I felt was actually what I thought I was supposed to feel and it just took time and comfort for what I really felt to come to the surface.

As far as coming out not seeming like a relief, I wouldn't really worry about that either. I think it really depends where coming out falls on your path that determines how much weight it feels like is lifted. For me coming out to my parents was a huge relief--but for me it was also pretty much the last step. I had experimented a bit, I had read a bit and had really pretty much come to terms with the whole thing. But I was close to my parents and wasn't willing to live a double life so the final step for me was telling them. That was it and then I could just move on with my life--so, of course, it was a huge relief when it went well. The fact of the matter is that from what you have said for you it really was the first step and possibly commits you to a whole course of action that you still really aren't sure about. Given that circumstance it doesn't at all surprise me that, even though the conversation with your mother went well, it still wasn't a relief. In fact I would assume you felt more anxious after than you did before. Just keep going, it actually does get better.

Try not to worry about the "gay mold"--either for yourself or for others. Be yourself and let other do the same and you'll be fine. As far as being a masculine guy who is only interested in masculine guys as was mentioned by another poster and may also apply to the OP--that's alright. You may find as you become more comfortable that this may change--you may become more comfortable expressing other aspects of yourself, you may find that your interest in men includes a wider range than you initially thought. Don't feel in any way that these things should happen, just know that they may. Know that there are probably more gay guys that are just kind of regular guys than there are that aren't. Some of them aren't involved in the gay scene, some of them are. My partner and I were in a gay sports bar a couple months back when a group of guys came in. None of them sort of pinged the gaydar of either me or my partner so we kind of paid attention. You see a lot of mixed groups in gay bars and even groups of straight girls but not a lot of straight men only groups so we kind of paid attention--mainly because we were trying to pick out which guy was the gay one. Well none of them were because we overheard them figure out that it was a gay bar--it took almost a half an hour in a crowded gay bar for these straight guys to even realize they were in a gay bar. Guys like you are out there.

The one thing I would caution is not to make assumptions based on a very small sampling of behavior as to who a guy is--the fact that a guy runs out onto the dance floor with his friends when the latest pop diva comes on doesn't mean he has a shrine to Judy Garland in his living room, it just means he's comfortable with his friends and that's what they are doing that night. I know a lot of guys who you would never know were gay if you encountered them in day to day life--playing pick up basketball or shoot 'em up video games with their friends or whatever. But the place where you would know they were gay was on their monthly outing to a gay club with their friends when they queen it up a bit--if you completely dismiss them based on that you'd really be missing the boat. I guess I just dwell on this particular one because I've seen a lot of people who feel they are "straight-acting" (I know it's not a term you used, but it seems to be the gist) become really bitter really quickly. It's totally alright to be a regular, masculine guy who likes other regular, masculine guys--lots of guys are. What I would urge against--not because it offends anyone (who cares what other people think) but because it often is a really unhappy way to be--is to become a gay guy who dislikes other gay guys.

Get out there and try to meet some other guys like you and see what happens. I think as time goes on that being honest and open and really being you--not some notion of what "straight you" would be like, nor some notion of what "gay you" is supposed to be like but just you--will improve your life and eventually you will look back on this as the beginning of your new life. Again welcome to EC, let us know how it goes.

 

To be entirely honest here, that's an incredibly selfish thing to do. Effectively you'd be going into a relationship based on the knowledge that you're not attracted to this girl, purely for selfish reasons. The relationship would be based on lies and secrets from the very beginning, and you'd be toying with this girls emotions and trust just to "test" something for yourself. That's a terrible thing to do.

I'm glad you posted here, this is a great community, I just couldn't find a way to address that plan without being completely blunt.

 

Yeah it'll still be missing the sexual attraction, something that is incredibly important in a relationship. The people who are talking about developing an emotional attraction with men are also coming from a position where sexual attraction was already evident, and are meaning it in the way that they were, subconciously, denying themselves feeling the emotional attraction. They were repressing their feelings due to various reason, usually summarised as internalised homophobia.

Like you I'm pretty much just a straight guy who happens to like guys. Most of my mates are straight males, I don't have an interest in "girly" things, and I even had a girlfriend for two and a half years. Literally everyone I've come out to has said they had no clue.

Point is, even though you wont want to hear this, dating a girl wont work.

 

That's a bad idea and countless people here who had the exact same thought process as you, and entered straight marriages, can testify to that. You may be able to form an emotional connection, but will it last? Almost certainly not. Your sexuality - as defined by your attractions - can be perceived without actual intimacy, at least in general.

You seem not to have noticeable heterosexual desires. Your inability to envisage male emotional intimacy is probably just a by product of a heteronormative culture in which it is never depicted, and this inability is very common in gay men before they are out.

It sounds harsh and I do so feel for you right now, but think it through. Acceptance is *so* hard but it comes in the end.

 

I agree with the posts above mine, there is a reason you have not dated a girl yet. I was the same way, I didn't want to date any girls because I knew I would have a hard time with it, and I felt like I would be cheating them at the same time. At the same time, I ignored my attractions to men figuring I would deal with it later, or maybe it would just go away. I remember turning down a few girls with little to know reason. It sucked, and I wished I was attracted to them at the time because they were beautiful, but just not attractive to me. The idea of me being in a relationship with anyone, male or female, was out of the question in my mind…until I finally gave it a chance with someone I was legitimately attracted to, a guy. What YaraNunchuck said is pretty accurate, my mind told me a relationship with a guy was not for me, but that was most likely due to the culture in which I was raised imprinting this thought into my mind. It took time, but being with someone who was physically attractive to me allowed me to slowly change my perceptions of what I thought could be possible in an emotional relationship.

 

Your mother will need some time to adjust. It was probably a shock for her, even after finding about the gay websites.
As for yourself, you have a journey ahead of you and it's going to take time and is an emotional roller coaster. In the end, it's not that bad, and you'll come to a place where you may feel at peace. Try to think of yourself as in a transitory period in your life. There are a lot of changes in your future, but it's also an opportunity to mold your life the way you want it. Take your time, go at your own pace, and breathe.

 

Hey TroubledMind,

It sounds like she is really struggling with the news at the moment. It might help if you checked out the stages of loss section of this website to help you understand what is going on inside her head. She is coming to grips with the fact that the future she envisioned for you is not reality. That can be difficult for a parent. Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief

You might also check to see if there is a PFLAG in your area where you can get more info or support for her. PFLAG can help her move through these stages. It's an org for parents, family, friends, and allies of the LGBT community. The one here in Indy meets at a Methodist church so if the one local to you meets at a church maybe she would be more comfortable going. I am sure someone from PFLAG would be willing to meet with her one on one if she isn't comfortable in a group.

Chapter Map

As for your feeling down, don't be afraid to reach out for help here or through a local LGBT support group. Many of them have help lines if you aren't comfortable going in person. Here is a national directory of LGBT centers.
CenterLink Member Gay Lesbian Bisexual & Transgender LGBT Community Centers - search GLBT

As for regretting coming out to her, check out both these videos from Brené Brown about shame and how it affects us. I think the second one would be especially helpful to you right now as you are in many ways experiencing what she calls a "vulnerability hangover".

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Talk Video | TED.com

Again, please keep us updated with how things are going. You are always welcome to share and vent your frustrations here.

---------- Post added 17th Jul 2014 at 03:07 PM ----------

Oh and I don't think I said this before, but it WAS a deeply courageous act to come out to your mother. Don't let her difficulty accepting the truth make you feel unworthy of love or connection. Coming out to your mother is probably one of the most courageous things you will ever do. You've made the first step on the path to an open and authentic life. No matter what else is going on, that makes you kinda bad-a**. Just saying...

 

Bro, that is exactly how I felt back then. When I started coming out in 2012 I had one half-reckless with a girl-friend of mine and realized there and then that I am truly gay. She made a move on me and I decided to have a go at it but not even 3 minutes into "warming" up I broke the news to her that I am into guys and thus gay. She understood completely and the rest is history.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is perfectly alright to go "out" for a field test (be safe and all please). It can either do nothing for you / confirm it / or confuse you. But you wont know if you do not try.

Best of luck and give yourself a bit more slack. You are very brave and you know what you want. (*hug*)