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Coming out advice / Is he gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sammy1992, Jul 19, 2014.

  1. Sammy1992

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    So this is probably going to be a long one, but I could really use some advice.

    I',m 22 and now have a job working for my parents after having other jobs. I am in the closet and haven't really told anyone. There is a guy at work who is 28 and one of the managers of the company and worked for my parents for 8 years. He's always had a weird thing against me, I get the feeling he knew I was gay years ago and always acted with somewhat of a grudge against me.

    Fast forward to now, we have worked together these last months. We gradually got along better, despite arguing about work stuff several times. I am at the point now where I am in love with him. Hes basically everything I want. Though I'm not sure if thats just because I'm in the closet and I've never really known what its like to have someone like me. I've had a few sexual gay encounters over the years, but nothing substantial and certainly not a relationship. I just can't figure out whether hes gay and whether I should come out to him or not. It could ruin me if I tell him how I feel and he doesn't feel the same way and then tells my parents or someone else.

    Reasons I think hes gay:

    - Hes 27 and never had a gf. I've heard from multiple people that he might be gay. He denies it. He lived with a woman for a while who was really into him and apparently nothing ever happened. He was bullied hard in boarding school.
    - Another story I've heard is that he went home with a girl and she was in his bed but he refused to do anything with her and kept leaving her alone in his room.
    - The way we look at each other. I've never had someone look me in the eyes so much and smile so much at me. He blushes when I say inappropriate comments to him and hes always trying to make me laugh.
    - He was getting touchy feely for a while. Mostly just heaps of hand touching and shoulder touching etc. This has stopped recently though.
    - He had depression and had to go get help from a therapist that my parents paid for. Apparently all therpist told me parents was that hes going through a really common thing guys in their 20s do get depression. I thought maybe he was just struggling in the closet like me.
    - Theres been times when I've been out at the pubs and he happens to be out, and somehow we end up being near each other the whole night. I was in the toilets alone and he came in after me, I didn't even know he was out. Another time I was at the taxi rank and he just appeared and was just hanging around.
    - Even back before I started working with him he was always staring at me and looking at what I was doing. He always use to make openly rude comments to me that I've never really received from anyone else. About my hair, the way I dress. "normal guys don't dress like that."
    - He can be so kind and so nice when its just me and him. We laugh joke and when its good its really good.


    Reasons he probably isnt gay & doesnt like me:
    - He told a girl at work he liked her and asked her out (via text msg) she rejected him. However he seems totally into her all the time. I'm really good friends with this girl and we get on really well. I thought for a while him liking her was why he hated me. I've asked him several times and he swears he never really liked her it was just people were telling him to ask her out and that she liked him. Its at the point now where she has a bf and we still are super affectionate to each other (but duh im gay) and this guy still gets super jealous and gets the shits at everyone when he sees us together. But is it because he likes her or me? This girl is one of those classic next door type girls that everyone likes.
    - He always talks about girls, how good looking a girl is. How hot she is etc. Doesn't stop. I've asked why he never had a gf he says its because hes holding out for someone special, doesn't like sluts etc. One of the other office girls sleeps around a lot and he despises her for it.
    - Doesnt really respond to any text msgs that I send him. If you liked someone surely you would be excited to write back to them? I mean he does but its mostly stuff like 'ok'
    - I've asked him to hang out and he basically said rain check.
    - I know this is a steretype but hes a very blokey guy MOSTLY. He has a lot of straight guy friends. But the funny thing is he's very much picked on by these people. Even other guys at work they just seem to sense something different about him and take advantage of him for being too nice of guy. My brother who is straight as a needle says this guy is just someone hes never been able to figure out what his deal is. He does struggle to talk to girls, so maybe hes just really shy? But at the same time hes just not shy with girls either. Ugh. Signs mean nothing
    - He told me a story about getting a girl pregnant at 18 and she told him via text and he paid for an abortion and thats why he doesn't sleep around. Once again could be a lie but who knows.

    There are a ton more reasons for and against that I've seen in the last few months. Its driving me crazy, is he in the closet like me? Maybe hes super in the closet? We just went away for a few days just us two to a work conference. I thought maybe something would happen, we even got drunk but it just didn't. We got in a few fights though and discussed some stuff, and I all but admitted I liked him. I told him I cared for him and wanted the best for him and just wanted to be there for him. Asked him why he didn't want to hang out, says he likes to keep work separate from home and that his guy friends don't talk to him about stuff like this so he's not sure why I do. Though he has said to my parents several times and to me even he doesn't really have any friends anymore because they are all married with kids. He got cranky at me because we walked past a few girls and he made some comments and I said they are way out of his league. He went off at me being like 'dont you think I know I'm getting old?!' Then there is times where he says stuff to me I know he just doesnt tell anyone else.

    The thing is, he now won't even touch me at all. Like moves away actively from me. We had to sit next to each other on the plane and hes a big guy (not fat at all just built big) and he crossed his arms and legs straight to avoid touching me at all on the plane. Maybe he knows and just wants to avoid me now?

    Then again in these last few days we've been back since pretty much admitting I like him he always wants me around him. He will be in his office and call me in for help with stuff there is no need for me to help him with. He even came into work today pretty much just to see me when he wasn't working. It was just us alone at work the night before and he kept making excuses to stay. Maybe hes just super nervous? God this is killing me I really don't know what to do. Hes all I think about. Then I sometimes think maybe he just is being nice because it is my parents company and having a fall out with me probably wouldn't end well for him. He being super nice at the moment, and having a hard time at work anyway. Maybe he just wants someone on his side and knows I will be that person for hi right now?

    I know I have some serious problems here. I can't come out to anyone and I'm focusing way too much on this guy. Any advice at all here? HELP. Sorry I know this is ridiculously long and don't blame anyone for not reading it. Honestly I just cant take the tears anymore and needed someone to hear this.
     
  2. Nychthemeron

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    By 'the pubs,' do you mean gay bars or something close to that?

    Chances are, if he was at a gay bar, he would probably wouldn't be homophobic, assuming he wasn't being overly rude to the people there. But, it doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, because some straight people go to gay bars... for some reason. To support their friend? I dunno.

    You mentioned you had a good friend? The one the guy asked out, I mean. If possible, I think you should maybe come out to her, first, or if you have a better friend, come out to them.

    People on the internet aren't really too reliable on judging if someone is gay and if you should come out to them unless they're obviously not straight, so a person who works with him and you or just someone close to you can really help. And, it's comforting.

    I don't think he really hates you, especially since you mentioned you went along well with him for a while. Those being in denial or in the closet, they might avoid the person they're interested in or at least suspects to be LGBT+ as well because they're afraid they will have to accept themselves before they're ready or that the person would out them.

    If this is the case, I think you should just give him some room and time.

    As for your family, how do they react to LGBT+ folk?
     
  3. Yossarian

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    Why do you feel "it would ruin you" if your parents found out?
     
  4. Sammy1992

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    Nah no gay bar. Just regular pubs.

    They aren't homophobic in the traditional sense, they would never say something to anyone's face. But I've heard countless comments at home while they watch TV or some sort of media. Makes me think I can never come out because they must have no idea to be able to make comments like that while I'm around.
     
  5. YaraNunchuck

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    It sounds like he's probably struggling wih denial, but it's impossible to say for sure. Because of that it's far too risky to tell him your feelings. Either way the reaction from him will be terrible. Your friendship, after his earlier unreasonable contempt for you, seems a bit shaky; it sounds like he can be stand-off-ish and unpleasant. If you declare your feelings for him, he probably will react badly.

    Coming out is a different matter. Try to assess his feelings on gay people and if that goes well, and provided the parents issue is not too troubling, come out then...
     
  6. Sammy1992

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    You're probably right. Its really hard to be at work with him. He says I stare at him with 'dumb eyes' and its weird, but then he will come over to talk to me going out of his way. (hes quite busy) Not sure why anyone would do that. I'm just going to keep my distance, maybe try not be so available to him. Last time I stopped speaking to him altogether he cracked it and stopped working properly. There was a big thing and he blamed the stress from work being too much. Who knows maybe it was, but I got pulled aside by people at work saying I had to be nicer to him because hes got 'no self confidence' and the 'type of person that would go hang himself.'

    I certainly wouldn't want that. I care for him so much, and perhaps hearing stuff like that deepens my affection for him. But likewise, I got my hopes up so much that when it was just going to be us alone on this trip he would open up more and something might happen, but it was almost the opposite, example the no touching at all. Sigh. Its sad I feel like I make all my decisions at the moment based around him.
     
  7. Yossarian

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    You are probably underestimating your parents' ability to accept you, even if they would not be thrilled to know that you are gay, assuming that they have not figured it out after all these years already. People say things without thinking about who is listening all the time.

    It is hard to figure what is going on with your friend from your description. Maybe it is time to ask for assistance from a friend you are out to, or can come out to, to talk to him without being emotionally involved with him, to figure out what his orientation is. It seems like, for whatever reason, the two of you cannot communicate with each other very clearly, which is sad, but may just be one of those kind of things that will not work out for personality reasons having little to do with being gay. Either way, you need to be able to move ahead, or move on. If you can find the self-confidence to come out to your parents, then you can come out to him too and get the process going.
     
  8. Candace

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    I would think that your parents actually know more than you realize. You're their son, and I'm pretty sure that they could have figured out something over all of these years.
     
  9. Sammy1992

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    Thanks for the advice guys. Not 100% sure I'm ready to come out yet. I do want to its just a matter of bringing it up and how.

    I had some strange fantasy that this guy and I would end up together and then it wouldn't matter how I came out either way. But alas he continues to be weird at work.
     
  10. Sammy1992

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    This guy is the worst!! I'm not even sure why I like him so much :frowning2: