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Feels like it is too late

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Valentine214, Jul 19, 2014.

  1. Valentine214

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    I am almost 25 now and only really accepted my self when I turned 20. I have been with a partner now for about 5 months and I feel like our relationship is getting really stressed. I want to bring him with to hang out with my friends but there is an issue. All of my friends are my co-workers. I like to keep my personal life out of my work life if possible in almost every aspect. After coming out to my friends it would only take moments for the news to travel around in the workplace. I know people would be tolerant but I don't know if I could handle the tsunami of gossip it would create.

    It feels like everyday gets harder and harder for me to come out. I feel like the day is looming where it just won't be worth it and I should just keep it a secret to the end. It hasn't been too hard to live this way when single because I am not anywhere close to the gay stereotype. I fear the horror stories of people coming out later in life and regretting it for much there after.

    Friends get upset when I can't tell them why I am dodging social events. Partner is disappointed when I don't have time to hang out with him. I am torn and at a crossroad in my life.

    Advice more than welcome. If I decide to do this, does anybody have suggestions at coming out this late in the game?
     
  2. It's definitely definitely definitely not too late. And also, I don't think there's a time when it would be 'not worth it' to be authentically yourself and not have to constantly curtail your speech to make sure you're not outed.

    No matter how long you've known someone, no matter how old you are (and you're only 25! seriously not a big deal there), it's not too late to come out.

    The reality is, if anyone was ever like "why didn't you come out to us sooner?" you could just say that it wasn't relevant and you prefer to keep your personal life on the down low. It's not that uncommon of a thing to do, gay or otherwise.

    I think it will be less gossipy than you probably think. If you're thinking that all of those people will be accepting, then they're probably going to be like "oh, he's (gay/bi/whatever you identify as)? I never knew. whatever" and then no big deal, they'll refer to your partner accordingly.

    It's going to continue to put you between a rock and a hard place to keep quiet about your partner and miss out on time you could be spending with him and your friends. It's difficult to be with an even semi-closeted partner without feeling like they're ashamed of you and want you to be a secret. It's probably best to come out, but there are ways of doing this without having to send out an office memo. Your personal life is yours, but it's not all that personal to mention that you have a partner, it doesn't have to be every detail of your existence :slight_smile:

    You could try what I like to call "living out".
    Instead of having that awkward conversation that we call 'coming out', (you know the one, "hey can I talk to you for a second, I just really wanted to tell you...I'm (gay/bi/whathaveyou)") you could just pretend like everyone already knows. It's really simple. You'll find that straight people mention their straightness casually without really ever having to come out and say it, they'll talk about their partner, they'll talk about someone attractive, etc and you get the message--they are straight. All you have to do to be just as casual about it is stop curtailing your speech. Mention that if so-and-so is bringing their partner, you might bring yours, etc. People will pick up on that and sometimes they ask "oh are you ___?" and you'll just be like "yup". Or they won't ask at all and just file away the info they just learned for future reference.

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. resu

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    I am 25, never even dated a girl (or guy), and only started coming out recently to a select few people under extremely disruptive circumstances (school/work/life transition). Compared to me, you are doing much better. You are never too late.

    One thing I would say is that you should try first coming out to one or two very trustworthy friends. Of course, you can never know for sure if they won't tell others, but the risk of saying nothing is obviously another problem. Even telling one person can be cathartic.

    However, one overall challenge is only having co-workers as friends. What about your partner? Does he not have his own friends? It's going to be very tough if you're his only social outlet, as you have already described. Maybe you and he should go out and try to make some non-work friendships. Or, once you've come out to a few people, you and he could hang out with them separately at first. That might take some of the edge away.

    Eventually something must change. It's not fair to your partner to keep him hidden, and it will be very hard to maintain such a relationship long-term.
     
  4. zzzero

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    1. You CAN handle any gossip. It's just words and you'll be okay. If you accept that about yourself, then no one is going to care, and if they do, just ignore them.

    2. You don't have to have a "big reveal" style coming out at work. I always come out indirectly at work by mentioning my boyfriend or talking about gay things openly around coworkers, the same way they would do that about straight people/things. Literally NO ONE has spread gossip about it, because it's my life and that would be rude. (Given, I'm in Massachusetts which is pretty accepting, but still). It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

    3. Your relationship is stressed because you're not really fully with that person yet. You can't do anything you want with them because you're paralyzed with fear of what people might say or think. Remember this: You have no business knowing what goes through other people's heads. It's not your place to guess at what people might think, but you can ask them what they think or just throw it out there and see where it goes. No matter what, it won't be the end of your life, and you'll feel a lot more free afterwards. I guarantee your relationship will strengthen when you get more courage to be fully who you are around anyone.

    Work on it. Find subtle ways to drop hints without saying too much about your personal life. It's extremely unprofessional to start/spread gossip about someone, especially when it's related to sexual orientation.
     
  5. Yossarian

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    This is all good advice. Stop treating your partner like he is a secret instead of your soulmate, before he gives up on you. If anything is "too late", it is being open about him, so fix that, don't let it get "too later".
     
  6. Valentine214

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    I guess I could just bring him along as friend to social events but that leaves the story of how we met(hooked up on ****** and then just kept hanging out after). Not really sure on how to drop subtle hints about that one. Just generalize it as meeting online i guess?

    Also not living in the most tolerant of states. I am located down in the bible belt. Got some weird looks while out in public and am terrified of ever showing a PDA.