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Rumours at work

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dragoninapond, Jul 21, 2014.

  1. dragoninapond

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    Basically I have been told today by a closes friend that I am 'The talk of the office' at work.
    I am gay and a few people there new about me before, but apparently it has now become news amongst everyone.
    I do blame myself for this happening as a couple of weeks back while drunk I did tell someone else, I wasn't coming on to them and I can't see how it would be seen as that but just part of general chit chat and now I assume that person has outed me.

    I am generally out to everyone, family and friends know but the main reason I haven't told many people at work is because it is generally seen as a very 'anti gay place' with alot of bitching and rumours about everything going around.

    From what I understand, alot of what is being said is untrue, to what extent I do not know but given the place I imagine it is likely to be quite unpleasant.
    I have been off for just over a week on holidays and I am not back until Thursday.

    The main reason I've written this is while I am out, I have actually found it very very difficult coming out to people because of a few negative reactions and now I'm genuinely scared about going into work on Thursday for what is going to be said and how people are going to look at or react to me.
    I know this is all my fault but I am scared to the point where I am actually shaking. Any more question feel free to ask I just wanted to advice or someone to talk to about how to handle this.
    :'(
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey dragoninapond, welcome to EC!

    Your geographic location will definitely play into this situation, are you in a place where there are no protections for being fired if you are found out to be gay?

    Second, the thing about rumours is that they have a shelf-life, there may be talk for a while, maybe even lingering talk among those colleagues of yours who may be a little more obsessed with your sexual orientation (heck they could be closeted themselves) but generally speaking, people will eventually get back to their urgent, busy lives and they will soon forget about it.

    When you get back to work on Thursday, let them see and hear you, stand tall. Your body language should give off a confident attitude, greet everyone in a full and assertive voice, ask your colleagues, face-to-face, not by phone or e-mail, what's been happening since you've been away and show genuine interest. You may feel fear and embarrassment, but as comedians know, never let them see you sweat.

    Pump yourself up before walking in to work, look up, not down at the floor, and look people straight (as it were) in the eye. If they have any "attitude" towards you, they will soon cower and avert their eyes, as cowards generally do.

    This is what pride is all about. Take this no-prisoners attitude (straightforward no-nonsense kick-ass confidence) and YOU can actually have control over how they look and react to you!

    They cannot beat you down without your consent!
     
  3. Choirboy

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    I second greatwhale's advice. Whatever phase of your life you're in, bullies will find the weak spot in your armor and exploit it. If you're not seen as being oversensitive about being gay, they may throw a few grenades your way initially, but they'll get bored with your lack of a reaction and move on.

    I had a couple hot-button items in my psyche that bullies fed on from 4th grade through nearly the end of high school. (Oddly enough, the two main ones weren't even about my potentially being gay, and that never came into the picture until a few brief months in college.) It took me several years after that to realize that I gave them a lot of openings with my own behavior. Be proud, and not even necessarily just proud of being gay. Be proud of the person you are, and the way you choose to live your life.

    I get that momentary cold fear, though. I recently found out that some rumors about me may have started circulating in our neighborhood and parish, so I have also had that sudden sense of "Am I ready for this?" My answer has been, you're damn well right I'm ready, and I look on it as one more opportunity to stop hiding who I am from the world. In the end it's better to be hones and face the truth, than to keep lying to maintain appearances. Strength to you!
     
  4. dragoninapond

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    Hi again.

    Can I first just that greatwhale and choirboy, both responses genuinely have made me feel better. I think this is just a a bit of initial panic so I thought I'd try posting on here for some advice, hopefully I'm in the right place.

    I'm from the UK so there is no issue about me getting sacked, that was never an issue in my head the issue is more my department is generally full of young people who are very gossipy and bitchy behind peoples back. A while back we had a possible transgender in the department who didn't realise until after 2 months that people were saying some horrific things behind his back, it caused alot of problems, he no longer works at the building. I've been there much long so I'm confident things like this wont happen but I don't want to be known for horrific rumours which may be going around that aren't true all because people are too afraid or even too British to say anything to me directly.
    Of about 60 odd people on the department there is not a single openly gay worker and to my knowledge there hasn't been for a long time (people come and go)

    Thank you for those two initial responses, I hope these messages come across as I intend them. This does feel like a safe place so thank you
     
  5. Choirboy

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    I think it helps if you have a reputation as a person first. People who like to gossip are going to gossip. There's no getting around that, and coming out, or a divorce, or an unplanned pregnancy, or a drug-addicted relative will be fair game to those people. But if you've been there awhile and people know you, it's less likely to be a lingering issue. Sure, there will be talk. That happens. But it's less likely to be as negative because it will tend to reflect worse on the people doing the gossiping than on the subject of the gossip.

    My experience at work has been remarkably positive because I've been there for years and I'm reliable and kind, and people trust me. A number of people HAVE found out through the grapevine, but they've been accepting and positive because they know who I am, and have assumed that I'm doing this for the sake of my own happiness and sanity.

    I mentioned that the rumors have started circulating in my neighborhood and church. I totally admit I would have been petrified about that a few months ago, but I'm feeling much more confident now. I've lived in this town for over 40 years and have been a church organist for almost 30 years. When this all hits the fan, I will get some negative comments and gossip. I fully expect that. I'm relying on my reputation as a person to see me through it.

    I'm also coming to feel that we have a certain responsibility to be as visible in our communities as we are comfortable being. It's very easy to throw rocks at strangers, but much harder when it's people you know, like and respect. You're 30 years younger than I am and I don't say this to lay a heavy load on you that you might not be ready to take on. But I feel that if people in my community find out that someone they have known and respected for many years is gay, it elevates all gay people a notch in their eyes.

    If you can handle this with dignity and pride at your workplace, your experience will be easier, absolutely. But you may also make it easier for the next person who comes out as well. That's a very significant way to join and support the gay community, and all it requires you to do is be yourself.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    It might be useful also to check your employer's written policies on discrimination or harassment. It could be quite revealing. If there is some such policy, learn it and if you feel that the gossip is becoming intolerable, writing a formal complaint, referring specifically to your employer's policy, to your supervisor will get their attention (speak to him or her first, however. If nothing changes, then you can send the written complaint, and of course, keep a copy and also a record of your meetings on this topic (time, person and place)!).

    Again, with your supervisor, do not inform him or her in a meek manner, tell it like you mean it and speak assertively. Your supervisor will want specifics, that is: names, dates and a description of how this affected you or your work. It is your supervisor's responsibility to quell rumours and to deal with those who make your life at work difficult.
     
  7. csm123

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    Hi and welcome to EC

    I am also from the uk and would totally agree with the advice already given here.

    One other thing that may help when you get back to work is to remain confident and as soon as you hear any sort of gossip is to join in and laugh,then just say you thought they knew as you've been out to everyone for years now.If they don't get the feeling that you are bothered or embarrassed with them knowing they have no reason to go on about it.If anyone continues to make jokes or worse just laugh and say you heard worse things in school.

    Just remember to keep calm and confident and take control by not letting anyone get at you.They will soon move on to something else if they cant get at you.

    And yes you have found a great site here and hope you stay with us.

    Good luck