Challenged

Hi, I'm going to just going to explain and ask for advise.

I was raised by a deeply religious family. They weren't hateful people, quite the opposite. They actually took in refugees. They'd not only offer hitch hikers rides but a place to stay for the night. They didn't do it out of some kind of reluctant obligation either. They are incredibly joyful, generous and loving people.

When I was a teen, I was very much in love with my Christian best friend. I never told her but remember imagining us living this chaste life helping the poor, not distracted by relationships or families. I also remember wishing I was Catholic so I could be a nun and not worry about sex since I found my feelings so confusing.

I had no concept of bisexuality. I didn't know much about homosexuality either but I at least knew what it was. Being so heartbreakingly in love with a girl made me so confused. I was occasionally attracted to guys but still disturbingly (for me) more often attracted to girls.

I was in my early twenties and still a virgin when I met my husband. We hit it off immediately. Our first date we stayed up all night talking and walking around a fountain. We spent the entire next day together, just talking about life, the universe and everything. We've been together 13 years and work together from our home, so we spend almost every moment of every day together and we have a blast. When people ask how we manage to work together without having problems I just say that we're best friends.

A few years ago he sort of took me aside and pointed out that I don't appear to be attracted to men. He said that he's noticed over the years that I will talk at length about women I find attractive, that seeing women makes me horny and that I literally shudder when he suggests I might be sexually attracted to this or that male heart throb. I told him, like I'd told myself, that the reason for the last part was I was so in love with him that I just wasn't attracted to other men. As for women turning me on, women are just naturally better looking than men and I was pretty sure it was normal for women to be turned on by other women. He just said that's not how it works. That he loves me very much but it doesn't keep him from being sexually attracted to other women.

This brought back my high school crush. I remembered how attracted to my friend I was, my weird plans for us and how sick I felt whenever she started a relationship. I started remembering praying for those feelings to go away, crying myself to sleep over it and feeling wrong. I also remembered the feeling of relief when my husband and I hit it off. Like I'd finally sorted myself out.

I think I'm bisexual and that I tend to prefer women over men.

I write books (I've never tried to get any of them published). My latest book I realized I wrote my main character's (MC) best friend to be me in high school. She's in love with the MC and knows there's no hope for that relationship. I wanted to use lyrics my Aunt wrote and that I remember singing constantly as a teen "My love, your words have filled me with an unrelenting sorrow; I've died a little just from loving you. And just one time I want to find a real love and not my wishful thoughts on overtime. No word or glance interpreted to please me. Just one love to last me for all time."

It was perfect for me and would be for my character. I couldn't use it without asking my Aunt. She and I are really close and I wanted her to know how much her song meant to me. So, I told her about it and she said something that I can't let go.

She encouraged me to tell people about it. She said there are people who feel like this is a choice and that if you're 'raised right' you won't feel this way. Since I was raised by loving parents who are very religious and there's no Christian in our circle who'd think I wasn't 'raised right' that my telling people how I feel about women could help dispel that myth with them.

I'm very torn about this. Part of me feels like it'd be posing. I personally think (but I'm an ignoramus when it comes to these things so I very easily could be wrong) that of all those who find themselves being attracted outside of the norms, female bisexuals are the most accommodated because of hetero male fetishes. I mean, we live in a world in which straight women are encouraged to act like they're attracted to each other in order to please men. Also, I'm happily married to a male. I may fantasize about having sex with women but I never have. I've never had sex with anyone but my husband. So, I wouldn't even be coming out as bisexual. I'd be coming out as more attracted to women than men.

I told my parents just because I felt like I had to. I had to know that they loved me as me.

The weirdest thing is that I'm afraid that some people won't believe me. I don't know where that's coming from. Even though I know that all of my childhood and early adulthood friends (the really religious ones) will either stop associating with me, pray really hard for me or try to convince me I don't feel this way or it's wrong (for my own good), that's something I can handle.

I have this fear that friends I made later in life will see it like I'm sitting here safe and secure in my perfect family with all the privileges of being straight and saying, Hey but I'm attracted to women. I don't know why but the idea that people won't believe me about how I feel is much scarier than people I've known my whole life walking away. That's them rejecting who I am and I can accept that. I can't stand the idea that people might walk away from me because they don't believe I am who I am. Also, what's the point if I'm where I am? I'm married. It doesn't feel relevant.

I'm afraid that I'm just being a coward and all this saying that me telling people how I feel is pointless and, I don't know, appropriating something from a position of privilege is just an excuse to not have to put myself out there. I was fine with leaving it alone unless it came up because somehow my marriage fell apart (I really can't imagine that, he clearly understands me better than I do) or something happened to him. Then I'd have a reason and I'd be actually acting on my feelings and it'd be legitimate.

Then what my Aunt said to me comes back and I wonder if I can't change the way people I know think about sexual orientation because I do hold that status in my community of being such a 'perfect' Christian and a child of an ideal family.

I'm going to shut up and ask for advice before I delete this.