I keep posting and posting on this website, but the past week has been a very emotional a d confusing journey for me. There's so much else I have to say, but I'll save it for a different thread. I've come out to 5 of my close friends now. Although it is incredibly hard, it makes me feel so much better, so much more free...I've only been out to myself as bisexual for about 5 days. I don't mean to rush things, but I have to do it...I must tell my parents. Right now, my emotions and feelings are exposed to myself and they are easier to express. I'm afraid that if I wait to tell my parents, I will box up the emotions and feelings again and try to make them disappear like I have been for the past 4 years. Once I tell them, things will be so much better. I won't have any secrets to hide and I will be able to comfortably seek a date from either sex. Everything will be so much better...but I'm so afraid to tell them. Right now, everything in the family is normal. Nothing is going wrong. Nobody is upset. We are healthy...everything is right. I don't want to disturb that. I don't want to cause pain for my parents...but my mom and dad get so upset when that peace is disrupted. I'm worried about crushing them and causing them emotional pain...but I don't want to hide this secret anymore. I can't let myself box it up again with an "I'll deal with it later" attitude...because that attitude is what is causing me a lot of pain right now. But what if? What if my parents are emotionally crushed? What if they start fighting with each other? What if they fight with me? What if their love for me runs dry? These are the questions that are taking over me. What is the best way to tell them? Where do I find the guts to do it? It needs to be done.
There's never a good time to come out, but you need to tell them and while the worse case scenario does unfortunately happen it's rare. As long as you have friends to talk to about it you should be fine (hopefully).
It sounds like the past four years has been a bit of a roller coaster for you, during which time you have had to confront a number of confusing and difficult emotions. Why did I highlight four years? Well, first reason, you mentioned it yourself. For the past four years you've been struggling with your sexuality and trying to box up your feelings, but the second and most pertinent reason is this... if it's taken you four years to come to terms with it, it's probably going to take your parents some time to come to terms with it too. Although some parents don't show any feelings of hurt or distress to their LGBT kids, most feel it on some level when they are confronted with the truth. It's normal and natural for them to go through that. As the people coming out we need to cut them some slack and allow them to process their feelings (it's a lot to take in and they are given no advance warning or time to prepare). The way they react will be determined by a number of factors, many of which are beyond your control. Things like their upbringing, religious views, social and political attitudes will come into play and you can't do much about any of that. But their reaction will be partly determined by you and the way you come out to them, so try to envision it, if you can. When you come out are you going to do it with confidence or sorrow? Are you going to stand tall or appear depressed and dejected about it? Are you going to set a negative tone and react angrily if they don't take it well or are you going to try to be positive and make a genuine effort to understand and answer their questions (even the silly or stupid ones)? What questions might they ask? Before you come out to them both (at the same time ideally) do a bit of groundwork and think about how you will do it, when you will do it and where you will do it. Think about the questions or reactions you might get and prepare yourself with answers and responses. If you plan ahead, it will go a lot better. That doesn't mean it will be great and without problems, but at least you will not be caught up in the heat of the moment with no idea how to deal with it. That's normally how things get heated and angry. If it does get stressful, it's better to take time out. As you are in the US, it might be good to have the contact details for PFLAG available for your parents when you come out to them. Rightly or wrongly, many parents see their kids as extensions of themselves and they experience a huge mix of emotions when a son/daughter comes out. It can often feel like a bereavement to them and that's hard for us to take, but in the same way as people eventually get over a loss through bereavement, they can also get over the loss they associate with a coming out. It's not easy for you or them, but it sounds like you need to do this for your own sake. Very best to you - if you do it, please tell us how it goes.
Ok, here's an update: I was talking to my mom today and I brought up how a friend of mine is bisexual and has a very liberal father and brother. Then I asked her how my dad feels about the topic, whether he is conservative or liberal. She said he is conservative..but her answer wasn't very confident. With my dad, he really doesn't care or think about it until it happens in his own family. Mom said that he would probably freak out and have a fit if one of us (my brother, my sister, or me) endd up gay. (my mom has no problem with gays whatsoever. She is friends with a lot of male gays, so I know she would be fine.) Now I'm worried...You see, my dad does a great job of creating stress for himself. He worries and worries about things and just never takes problems well...I don't want to put any kind of extra stress on him...so now I just don't know what to do. Telling my mom will be easy, but my dad...not so much. Granted, I am bisexual and not fully gay, so maybe that will soften the blow...but ther's so much up in the air right now.
At the very least you will have your mom on your side. There are plenty of people who can't say that. So if your dad has a hard time with it, you and your mom can work together and help him come to terms with it. That's sort of how it was with me except the parents were switched. I came out to both at the same time but my mom had a harder time with it, so I talked to my dad about how to continue the conversation with my mom. And everything's fine now
