Ive known that I was lesbian since I was in middle school, Im now almost 17 and out to myself and others at school. My family is my main source of money considering I have no job or any income at all. Im afraid that if I tell them in the wrong demanor then I will lose their trust and all that they have given me. Everyone thinks that my parents already know that Im lesbian and are just waiting for me to tell them but I think they would have confronted me if that was the case. The reason that I think that is when i was a freshmen I went on my mom's computer onto a site very much like this one to do some research about being lesbian and my parents found the sites. When they asked me about it I lied and said it wasnt me but they went into my e-mail and found some emails to a counsolor on the site about it. I made up some story saying i just wanted to see if the site really worked or if it was a fluke and they bought it. We had a talk and they told me it was ok if I was gay and that they would still love me but I insisted that i wasn't and ended up being grounded and got my email taken away for "lying" about the sites. Im afraid I was grounded for more than that. And Ive regretted not telling them then ever since. My problem is that I want to come out to them but I dont want to be ostrasized or rejected. I need to find an easy way to tell them by October so when I turn 17 I wont have that hanging over my head. Any ideas on a way to come out that will least upset my parents? :help:
Re: Coming Out Delima You could always write them a letter :] You could bring up the fact that you're sorry you lied to them about the sites, but you weren't comfortable telling them just yet or something like that. Whatever you end up doing, good luck
Re: Coming Out Delima Wow i wish my parents would confront me like that. In all seriousness though (i may have no right to give advice since im not out myself) i think your parents would've reacted much differently when they saw the sites. Like previously said, apologize for lying, and a letter isn't a bad idea if you don't like confrontation.
Re: Coming Out Delima I agree. Apologize for lying to them. Just tell them you weren't ready to tell them yet. You wanted to be sure of yourself first. They should understand. I think they'll just be more offended that you lied though, so make sure you put in a good apology for that. Also...catch them when they are in a good mood. Maybe on the weekend, not right after work though.
Re: Coming Out Delima Hi there! Welcome to EC! Congratulations on coming out to yourself and to others. You have already taken some major steps. That's great! When it comes to coming out to your parents, take your time and only tell them if and when you feel ready. There is no rush. Try not to put a 'date' to your coming out. Doing that might just make you more nervous and it might also raise expectations and if it does not happen for whatever reason, you just might find yourself being disappointed. Go with whatever feels right for you. If you feel that the right moment has come, go for it. Your parents already have given you some clues about how they would feel if you would come out to them. From what you have written, "....[w]e had a talk and they told me it was ok if I was gay and that they would still love me....," I think your parents would be accepting and supportive. It's is okay that you didn't tell them the truth. In fact, I don't think you really lied to them. Telling someone, and in particular to your parents, about your sexual identity is difficult. Don't be too hard on yourself. As for how to come out to them, if you don't feel comfortable telling them in person you can always write a brief letter and leave it for them to read it. Give them some time to read the letter and to think about it, and then come back to answer any questions that they might have. Try to find a good moment, i.e. when they are relaxed, have time to read the letter, or listen to you when you talk to them. I hope this helps!
Re: Coming Out Delima I dont know i mean i still live with my parents so a letter might be too impersonal i cant just leave it in the morning and come back home from school. But confrontation is scary considering what i went through freshmen year i was hoping they would confront me before i had too. My parents have to be oblivious not to know tho all of the signs are there so maybe theyre in denial or something which would make it even harder to tell them...
Re: Coming Out Delima Well I think that your parents have to suspect that you are gay. Do you think they meant it when they said that they wouldn't care if you were gay? Have they shown you any reason to suspect that they wouldn't be supportive? I would apologize for lying and I would make sure I was completely comfortable with coming out before telling them. Don't worry about a deadline. Do what feels right at the time, if that is a letter than it's a letter if it is setting them down and telling them than do that. I would suggest a letter just because you can get all your feelings down on paper without worrying about being so nervous you can say what you want to say. You can express what you want to say better by letter but since you feel like a letter isn't for you then you have to decide what feels right. You'll know when the time comes. Good luck! Sam
Re: Coming Out Delima As a parent, I really have to believe that they grounded you for lying. There's no point in grounding a kid for something that you haven't told them they're grounded for. Because you won't know not to do it the next time! Parents have to take a pretty hard line about where their kids go online - it can be pretty dangerous. I'm pretty sure they meant it when they said they'd be OK if you were gay. So don't be worried about them throwing you out. It sounds like they'll be pretty good about it. But don't feel pressured - do it when you feel comfortable about it. Welcome to EC. This is a great site.
Hey there, im read your post and wanted to reply to you. First of all, when your parent caught you writing to that site, Similar to this one, they already face the fact that they might have a lesbian chrild. Believe me they didnt really "bought" it as you said. And for them to say afterwards that it is alright if you are gay,and they would love and support you 100% anyways is a good sign. So im sure they arent ganna aband you either, what you must consider though is How importen is this to you. Do you need your parents support? Do you feel lonely and need someone to talk to ? or do you have plenty of friends who knows you well that support you? If you feel you need them, to be there for you and you need to talk/share some diffucult feelings with them, you should tell them. And when you do, dont leave anything out, tell then you are sorry you lied to them earliger etc. And to be honest there is no easy way here, Telling the biggest secret of your life to someone dearest to you is never easy, Truest yourself find the strenght in yourself the same strenght you found when you first accepted yourself as a gay person. I hope this will help you out, if not your welcome to write me
I think my parents did mean it when they said it was ok for me to be gay but since i told them i wasnt its harder to tell them. Im not sure i entirely need their support i think it will just make things that much harder and detached between us but i feel i owe it to them to tell them since ive hidden it for so long and lied when they asked. All of my friends know im gay and support me and i have someone to talk to about everything so its not for that reason i want to come out. its just that in some ways im tired of lying to them and im in jrotc but ive asked before to take a girl to the military ball and my mom freaked out since its a formal event though alot of people take friends to the ball. Now im faced with the same situation since my girlfriend is going with me whether they aproove or not i just dont like having to lie to them about things like that. When you come out does your relationship with your parents improve or get worse at first?
I had the same situation, I didnt know whether to tell my parents or not. it all depends on the relationship you have with your parents..I mean if you tell them about your relationships and are pretty open about your life outside of the family, it would be alot easier. They might already have an idea about it, since the whole computer encounter. Just mention something one day, about a friend being gay and see their reaction.. No one can tell you when to come out, just do it when it feels right. I felt like my family had to know, so I told them when i couldnt take it anymore. They didnt react to well, and said if I was dating my g/f I had to move out. Now that im moved out and on my own, they are better about it.. If you are fully dependent on your parents, maybe you should wait until you have a job and are in a better position money-wise. Goodluck though!
Mmmm.. I think you maybe suprised. At the moment there is nothing that you have said that makes me think that your parents will react badly. They probably haven't confronted you because when they initialy did, when they found you on the internet - you denied it. Sounds to me like they have already given you their answer, they are probably just waiting for you to tell them, rather than push you. You have already been punished for lying, so that has been dealt with and is in the past. They will understand why and I think already do. I think, just treat them as you would like to be treated, with patience and understanding. and if you ain't sure - there is no rush. You are very brave and should be proud of yourself. It ain't an easy thing. (my mum asked me if I was gay when I was 19) :icon_wink Best of luck. X
i'm new to this site and new to accepting myself as lesbian at 45 years old. but i have two grown daughters so i feel i can give an opinion as a parent. perhaps it would be easiest to tell one parent first, say your mom for instance if you are closer to her than your dad or vice versa. as a mom i can tell you that i might be upset at first (especially due to the prior lies and denial) but mainly because i would feel that our relationship wasn't close enough for you to come to me.
When i told my parents they were like, ohh then i said but you already known didnt you? And my mom said yeah i had supsected it, (also because of some gay sites on a computer) then she said it was all cool and ask if i had a boyfriend and stuff, and was a bit too intersted it was a bit oakward but she was trying to show an interest. So basicly my relationship stayed the same, we dont speak too much about it sometimes my mom ask me about my private life if i see someone and stuff thats pretty much it. Otherwise nothing changed, I think she is proud of me for being strong enough and mature enough to tell her. Which is a good thing, im sure you are ganna be fine just tell them if you feel you have to i was like you tired of lieing. So dont do it anymore tell, them and if they get all mad you can still refer to what they said before. that they love you and support you if you are a lesbian
My two cents: They pretty well know already. It may make things easier for you if they are in the know and you can talk openly about all the other life things you face in your life regardless of your orientation. Good luck. Be true to yourself.
Maybe ill tell my dad first im almost positive he knows already and he seems to like my friend whos lesbian as well and they know shes gay. That'll be a change though i usually feel closer to my mom but she doesnt seem as open... i guess it sould be because im the oldest and all of that but still.... when i finally figure out the best way to come out my brother and then my dad will be the first to know. Thank you guys for all of your help and if there are any other suggestions im totally open to listening to them because i still havent figured out the best way to tell them.
This is all you need. When you come out to them, your relationship will undoubtedly improve, just on the basis that you'll be much happier to have told them and have been honest, and they'll be happy you told the truth. It can only go upwards! And about the deadline, it's not necessarily bad IMO, since it gives you a little kick in the butt to just do it. For me, coming out was a prime example of painful procrastination and mental deadlines helped me move along better. Good luck!
