Hi everyone! I am wondering if any of you decided to come out to anyone, i.e. a therapist, friend, family member, etc., as questioning your sexuality (that is, before you made a decision that you knew for certain what your orientation is), and if so, if it was helpful to you? I ask because I have found it very nice and helpful to be able to talk about this subject here on EC, but I think it might also be nice to be able to talk about it to someone who knows me, so that I don't feel like I keep having to hide parts of my identity to one group of people or another. I have been to therapists in the past with mixed success, and it is also quite expensive, so I'm not sure that I want to go that route. On the other hand, I'm not sure who I would confide in otherwise--I guess it would be a bit of a risk, no matter who I tell. So I am wondering if any of you have had experience with this, so that I might be better able to decide if it really would be helpful for me to talk to someone in real life, or if it is better to wait until I am 100% sure of my orientation.
Maybe a therapist and a REALLY GOOD friend, but that would be about it. Make sure that they are not homophobic or you risk being closeted forever or outed too early.
I think you could talk about this with friends that have a different mindset than yours. I don't know your circumstances but allow me to elaborate on that. Last year I took a year abroad and I got to meet a good 20 other Brazilians who studied at the same university as me. Pretty much all of them were part of the creative industries (film, journalism, media, design, etc) so it was quite contrasting with my engineering background. Until that point in my life I had only been surrounded but close minded, sexist, bigoted people. Hanging out with them was such a good experience for me though! I haven't come out to anyone yet, but they've helped me think about so many things I would normally not have considered - sexually speaking. They were all very open about sex and their experiences and thoughts and orientations. We would often talk about things we'd wondered and wished to do sexually, about past experiences with the other sex or even same sex. We had an openly gay friend who just had the best stories about the guys he had met on "that famous app" too. Anyway it basically just showed me that people question their sexualities at some point in their life too, and I'm sure there is a good handful of people you could share your thoughts and experiences with and hear some stories and opinions in return, so as to start figuring out where you stand with their help. Basically what I'm saying is try and make new friends, but different friends, from different places, with different views on life. Again, I don't know what your circumstances are, but it's been very helpful to me. I've changed a lot - in a good way
I came out to one friend as questioning/maybe bi (now out to him as "most likely gay") and I have come out to my therapist as questioning. It's been really helpful for me with these two people because they are both people I can talk freely and openly with (well as openly as *I* can make myself) and they won't judge me for it. The friend I came out to is a little like the friends Archie mentioned, he's totally cool talking about sex in intimate detail, and he has other gay friends, so I knew he'd be a good person to approach. I would say, though it might not be a good idea to come out to too many people as questioning too early, because 1. Too many conflicting opinions (and they will have opinions even if they try not to) can confuse you further. 2. You will inevitably have to come out a second time when you figure out your orientation (or maybe even a third or a fourth, heh). While I told my therapist I'm questioning, I'm still struggling to get the words out to her that I think I'm probably a lesbian.
I guess I kind of came out like this to my best friend about a year ago. All I told he was that I knew I wasn't straight, but I wasn't entirely sure what I was!
I've come out as questioning when I was fourteen and it was horrible. Most people told me that it as just a phase and they made me develop an OCD obsession with my sexuality. I eventually just told people I was bi because I was sick of questioning myself. That made things worse because people started pressuring me to date guys. I guess I won't come out until I have a girlfriend. Since I'm probably forever alone, I will also be forever closeted.
When I told my best friend, I just told him that I knew I wasn't 100% straight. The annoying thing was though he kept pestering me about what I was XD But even now I can't say for real and I'd rather wait till I'm in a relationship till I give myself a label.
Thanks for all the replies, everyone! Archie--that is a very interesting story! The funny thing is that I am actually in an artistic field where people are generally very open-minded, liberal, etc., but I still do not have friends that I would feel comfortable talking to about sexual stuff. However, I am thinking that is probably my fault--I am not really the type to want to talk about these things with anybody--which is why I joined this site! I have been thinking lately that, since many of my guy friends are gay, I ought to feel comfortable talking to them about it, but they are not as yet my closest friends--my closest friends are straight girls (as far as I know!). But that means even my close straight girl friends have lots of gay male friends, as I have (but not, as far as I know, many lesbian friends, except for me possibly!), so I guess I really should feel comfortable talking to them!! But another part of me is still scared to. Is that stupid of me? I guess it is. :icon_sad: I am really in a very good situation and extremely lucky in a lot of ways!!! :icon_bigg StormInside--thanks for replying! Those are both really excellent points. Yeah, I definitely don't want to feel pressured/confused by lots of other people as to what I am, I am doing that to myself enough already! I am glad to hear that talking to your therapist and your friend has been helpful to you! I currently have a great therapist who I would love to talk to, but she doesn't list LGBT issues as an area she works with (she has a specialization that is rather narrow) and the thought of starting over with a new therapist seems daunting! So I guess I might choose a friend to talk to about it. Some days I feel absolutely desperate to tell someone (like when I posted this), and other days I can't imagine it or I have too many doubts (or denial I guess!) to even consider it (how I am feeling now). Thanks everyone for your ideas! :icon_bigg
My advice is be careful who you tell. If you tell somebody who feels strongly that you should be straight, they may guide you in that direction whether that's how you truly feel or not. Good luck
Don't let others define you. Scrutinize, identify and purge society's homophobia. Then try really hard to imagine the person you want to be. And get to work, slowly but surely, on making that happen. Good luck and fortune to you......
If you do, let us know how it goes! I know how you feel. I've been debating a lot whether I should start coming out to my other friends, myself. Some days I feel like I might implode if I hold it in any longer, others I feel fine, or I am too wrought with doubt to do so in a clear manner.
So I got an unexpected phone call today from one of my close friends. I haven't seen her in person in a long time and thought that she was out of the country, but she is back and called me today out of the blue. I have thought of her sometimes as a person I might tell first, and sort of thought to myself, "Well I would talk to someone about this, but she isn't here so I can't do it yet"....and then there she was on the phone. And I completely freaked out! Not only could I not tell her, but I started having huge anxiety and doubts for the rest of the day, and now there are all these thoughts in my head like, "you can't possibly be gay/bi! no way! not at all! not even a little bit!" and "you must be crazy to even think that," etc. Soooo, either I am not attracted to women or I am A LOT more afraid to tell anyone than I originally thought!!! Probably the second option, I know, but right now my conscious mind is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Interesting what the mind (or at least mine) does to try to protect itself, isn't it? I really want to still be her friend, so suddenly all of my other doubts and experiences to do with same-sex attraction appear irrelevant by comparison. Anyway, if I decide to stop being a wimp anytime soon and do talk about it with a friend in real life, I will let you know how it goes!
I know exactly what you mean. I keep slipping into denial mode, myself. I was chatting with the one friend I'm out to the other day and he basically had to remind me I don't want to sleep with men, so duh, I'm not bisexual. I think through years of denial I must have gotten very, very good at lying to myself, otherwise this wouldn't have taken so long to uncover. I definitely have those moments of "No way, this is crazy, I can't be gay," too. But then I stop and think "Damn, that girl is sexy" :lol: For some reason getting those words out is so, so hard. Sometimes when I'm talking with friends about something completely different and there is a pause in conversation, a voice in my head says "I'm gay!" But, it never wants to come out of my mouth. Lots of people manage to come out, though, as you can see from this forum! So I think you'll eventually get there. If you aren't ready, you don't need to force yourself, give yourself some more time to wrap your head around things if you need to.
