I know we all know what we don't want to hear but what about what we should say to others when they come out to us? I have a friendly aquaintance who I may be spending more time with who I know is a lesbian but she doesn't know I know (nothing nefarious, just third hand info). I will, of course, say nothing but if she tells me, I'd like to response properly and I'm not sure I know what to say without sounding...I don't know what. A coworker came out to me many years ago and I don't think I said anything because I recall him asking, "Are you shocked?". I said "no" but obviously I fumbled that one. So any thoughts on something that isn't patronizing or somehow awkward? All I've come up with so far is "Good" but I'm not sure that's right. :}
It's a difficult one...every person (except my kids) I have come out to have given the same response to my announcement that I was gay...'Well yeah...of course you are!'...that kind of shocked me and concerned me...I thought I hid it quite well! My son had the best response...when I told him I was seeing someone romantically and that someone was a woman...he was just like...'yeah well so am I! Don't suppose either of them are particularly helpful in your situation...you could thank them for sharing...tell them how pleased you are that they felt they could tell you...for trusting you with something so personal/private
This. Also, say that you're okay with it, that it's perfectly fine being gay, and that you support her and that shouldn't change your friendship. I don't know really, just try to let the other person know you're there. I think that's what I'd like to hear from someone I came out to.
I'd just thank her for sharing it with you and maybe ask if there is a special someone in her life? Keep it fairly low key, friendly and conversational.
One aspect many forget is asking the person to what level are they "out" now, and reassure them you will treat it with discretion until you are given their ok to discuss with others. Last thing someone wants to see is some big congratulations post on their facebook wall when they haven't gotten around to telling all their close friends in person yet... You could also, once the initial announcement is over, simply ask them "so how do you feel now?" - acknowledge it's a positive step in their life etc...
I think that's all great advice and totally agree. I had a friend come out to me as bisexual several years ago (though I think now she identifies as gay). I think my response, with my amazing social skills, was simply "Oh, ok." We talked more about it after that, but she told me that mine was the best response she'd gotten because I was so calm and didn't treat it like a huge deal. Something else to bear in mind, though I do wish in retrospect that I had reassured her more quickly :icon_redf .
I agree with TheStromInside. Usually when someone comes out to you, they will want to talk about it more after the initial words come out of their mouths. So - just smile, relax, say "good" (or whatever positive word comes to mind), then follow with questions. Show that you feel honoured that they chose you to tell. Show that you are keen to listen. Silence/listening is often more valuable than lots of positive words. Peace! (*hug*)
So funny how things work! Today I was having a conversation with a very good friend and I'd been meaning to come out to him for ages. Then at one point he tells me a friend of ours came out to him yesterday and so just like that I find myself coming out to him too, and he had what I think was a very amazing response to my coming out And now this other friend will come out to me at some point, unaware of my sexuality, so I'll be on the other end! Good thing I found your post, I would probably be taken aback by it all. Great timing!
My friend Joel, who was then only a work acquaintance of mine (we saw each other every day, working together) had been talking for weeks about "the spousal equivalent." (This was back in the 1990s, long before gay marriage was a possibility. I, being oblivious, assumed he was just talking about a live-in girlfriend and asked why he hadn't gotten married, and he gave some response to the effect of "Well, you know, things just change when you get the piece of paler. Weeks later, I started to figure out he was probably a poof. (This before I was out, but when I was probably becoming aware.) So one afternoon, we were talking on the phone and he made some mention of "the spousal equivalent", and I took the opportunity and said "So, Joel, does the spousal equivalent have a name?" And he said "Yes." And I said "What is the spousal equivalent's name?" And he said "Do you really want to know?" And I said "Yes." And he said "The spousal equivalent's name is Joel." ... And I responded "Well, that must be confusing sometimes." To which he responded "Yes, it can be." I don't know where I got the idea to just completely normalize it and act like it was a complete non-issue, but in that setting, it was a perfect response. Joel didn't feel awkward, I made it clear that I didn't give a rat's ass, and conversation continued. I think that you can't go too far wrong with something like that. Of course, for some people, they're screwing up all their courage to tell you, and if they're clearly struggling to get it out, then I think I'd still just normalize it and make it a non-issue, but follow up with something like "I get the sense that must have been really hard for you to share, and I want you to know how honored I am you've shared it with me. It changes nothing." Conveying that you're OK with it, that it changes nothing, and makes no difference to you conveys the empathy you feel for the other person's situation. Of course, you also have to be able to read them and empathize in the way that would be most helpful to them.. not always easy. But usually some variation of the above is a good start.
