I am 40 yr old male, i have had several heterosexual relationships that have lead nowhere. I have had gay feelings since i was a teen, but really didnt do manything about them. Now I am very confussed with who I am, I have never had a gay experience, but lately am wondering if I am in fact gay and if so, why cant I admit. Any suggestions?
Hello, David, and welcome to EC! If you've had gay feelings since your teenage years, chances are good that you're either gay or bisexual. Twenty-plus years is a long time for a "phase". Why can't you admit it? There are several possibilities. Perhaps you were brought up in a rather homophobic environment. Perhaps you're bisexual, and since you had sexual feelings for women as well, you figured you could just ignore the gay feelngs. Judging by your post, I'm guessing you're currently single and "unattached". If that's true, perhaps this would be a good time to investigate/explore your homosexual side. Not (necessarily) by hooking up with random guys, mind you, but in other ways. If so, perhaps we can be of help. Lex
The important thing is to listen to your own feelings. If you are interested in men, then you may be gay. You could also be bi if you are also interested in women. Maybe you are not sure about gay people?
Hi there and welcome to EC! As Lex indicated, having these feelings for such a long time could very will be an indication that you are gay or bi. Dealing with ones sexuality is difficult as it is a long process. It is possible that you never acted on your feelings or allowed yourself to explore them further because of the environment where you found yourself in and you denied yourself the opportunity to explore these feelings which is very common. Often we 'act straight' or try to convince ourselves that we are straight because at a subconscious level we are afraid of the consequences or the unknowns if we are truly ourselves.We follow the 'familiar' because we are afraid of what others will think about us, or how our family/friends/co-workers will react. Sometimes we find it easier to 'hide' an important part of ourselves given the circumstances in which we find ourselves in. Don't be afraid to explore the feelings that you are experiencing. Follow what ever feels right to you. It will take some time before you have figured all of your feelings out, and feel comfortable with yourself but if you take your time and go slowly at it and explore all of your feelings you will get there. Take it one day at a time. You will get to know yourself better. I think what might help you is if you try talking to a psychologist/counselor about your feelings. Talking abut your feelings will enable you to understand them better and also learn perhaps what it means in the context of your life. If you feel comfortable, you could also try contacting a GLBT group in your area as well. I do think that it is important that you perhaps find someone to whom you can relate to and talk openly about your feelings. Also, do stick around on EC and get to know us. Feel free to read some of the stories in the Support and Advice sections. If there is anything we can help you with please do let us know. I hope this helps!
Hi David and welcome! Just to reiterate what the others have said, it may be that u are gay or bi. Have u tried seeing someone to maybe talk through what you're feeling eg. a counsellor or psychotherapist. and perhaps try going to social LGBT groups that can allow you to talk about what you're feeling.
Hi David. I likely had a similar experience to yours. Only I actually met a woman that I was compatible with and we got married, had a couple of kids, etc. But I had also discovered in my late teens that I was 'curious' about and aroused by gay sex. Only in the last couple of years have I finally admitted that I'm gay. I've had to resolve a number of things which wasn't always pleasant, but now I'm happier than I've ever been. Our situation is not all that unique. I think many men in our 'generation' grew up not really considering the possibility that we might be gay. Sex and specifically sexual orientation simply weren't discussed by many people. You're not alone. Let me know if you want to chat one on one. And keep reading and posting here. EC was the first place where I was able to interact with other gay men in a healthy way. It's a very good and positive site. Good luck. And Welcome!
David, Like Jim, I too was married with children. I had all but convinced myself that my same-sex attractions were some sort of 'issue' or shameful defect. With many factors converging at just the right time, I was finally able (and brave/strong enough) to explore the possibilities that I had denied for far too long. I am now happier than I've ever been, I can't even describe the veil of what I can only describe as a "half-life" that I existed in up until coming out (which only happened 9 months ago). And if you're questioning your sexuality, let me tell you, you NEED to experience "both sides" to see what makes you more fulfilled. Yes, I am talking about sex, of course. But I also refer to the entire spectrum of social and emotional interactions with other men, in a gay context. For example, the one thing that 'sealed the deal', that made me close the book on any lingering doubts I had, was when I fell in love with my boyfriend. The absolute difference between how I feel in that love for him versus what I felt for my wife (who I was in love with as well) just can't be described in words. All I can say about it is that it is my truth. I now know, and it is unquestionable. I hope you can rely on us here and hopefully some people out in the real world that you are close to, since support is invaluable in this situation. Good luck and keep us informed about how it goes!
Hey David, I agree with the others with most of the things. The reason you cant accept yourself as gay is like most people because you wanted to fit in. When we are raised we get these imputs in whats normal whats right whats wrong, and we try to live our life the way we were raised to. To go against what you learn, and what people think is very hard. Some people will accept it some wont. However the most importen thing here is, your happiness you dont sound like you happy with you life right now. It seems to me like you tried to pleased people around you, instead of doing whats right for you, making you happy. You are already 40 its time for you to face the fact, Do what you have to do and if people are giving you a hard time about it are they really your friends then? good luck
