OK I came out to my wife as a cross dresser last year and since exploring this in therapy for a long time I have put together a lot of puzzle pieces in my life that pretty much make two things clear: I have never completely enjoyed having sex with a woman and it has never been enough for me. Trying to fill this hole with cheating, pornography, my lifetime of off/on cross dressing, erotic chatting, etc. is not working for me in my life. I am very excited about the thought of being with a man and although it would have a to be a guy who i was attracted to, was gay, and would have to be OK with the CDing sometimes, I think i would love this. I have always been attracted to certain men, get nervous around gay men, and my thoughts around this, now that I am acknowledging them, are specific and very happy. I am married and she is aware of all of this. She is still holding out hope that we will be able to find a happy medium. I am struggling with the guilt of saying that I am giving up on us as a family to pursue who I might really be/always have been. Since beginning to acknowledge and allow myself these thoughts they have taken control of my thinking pretty much all the time and it gets easier to think about. I can't find a way to say "I think I may be gay" (I have not been with a man) because she wants a definite before we call it quits, which i cannot provide. We have not had sex during which i could finish before losing my erection in over a year. I can't help but feel awful that I am breaking up my union with her to go "be myself" but at this time can't know if it will ever "work out" with her. We are both miserable because the sex never ends well (we try every 2-3 weeks) and at this time it is clear that i just have no interest in it. I am attracted to women but right now not at the thought of having sex with them, they just look nice to me. What I'm thinking is that I am going to have to make a decision and stick with it soon (she is 30 and still has time to find someone who wants her like i can't and haven't been able to in a long time). Does anyone see anything I am missing here? We talk about it all the time and she pleads with me to just "make a decision and own it" and at the same time says "all I want is to have a home with kids and grow old with you (sounds great in a vacuum). At this point it would take a lot for me to decide I am suddenly OK with not knowing (if i like men in bed). Do i stick it out and continue to try to make this work? Do I bite the bullet and go figure this out for myself? Not looking for someone to tell me what to do (never goes well for me!) but I am looking for advice, suggestions, questions to ask, etc. Pretty sure im gonna have to come out sooner than I want to. Thanks!!! Ony
Hi Ony Great to hear that you are in dialogue with a therapist and I hope you are finding a really comfortable space to lay everything out as plainly as you can see it. A couple of suggestions- First, your post is silent about the degree, if any, to which you have tried to focus on how much of society's homophobia and inability=hostility to gender fluidity and any aspect of kinkiness, and it has somehow skewed your judgment because you sense on the one hand whatever sexual desire that you perceive as socially acceptable (= "straight") and on the other hand there is this other part of the sexual wiring in your brain. That reflects a sexual identity or mixed orientation that you have never seen acknowledged, never seen accepted, and you never at the time had anyone else to discuss it with because for sure you would never mention something like this to another person, because you didn't have the strength, wisdom, or compassion at the time to challenge and reject society's judgment that said this other part of you was mutant, weird, aberrant. Part of you realized it wasn't, which was why you explored it, but the other part of you that was swimming in the straight unknowing and judgmental world didn't challenge those judgments, so you tactitly accepted them. My sincere advice would be to try to do a check with complete honesty about two things that are completely unrelated (well, not completely). The first is the quality and deepness of your relationship with your wife, aside from your sexual relationship with her that seems to be in the forefront (a big qualifier for now). She has been swimming in the same waters of societal homophobia as everyone else, so the dynamic of the conversation from that perspective would seem to be her-normal/you-aberrant... not a level playing field. But if she has a big heart and loves you for perhaps many other reasons, you might want to think long and hard about not doing everything possible to make it work. But what about that other factor I mentioned. That would be a dispassionate and honest assessment of the particular mix in your sexual orientation, which has to fit (or not, to some degree) in the committed relationship that you are in, if you and your spouse/partner mutually decide or promise to be in a monogamous relationship. If you are in a straight relationship and the answer to that question is "I'm mostly straight, but somewhat not," your problem is one thing. Maybe in that case the minor part of you that isn't "straight" still seems weird and aberrant to the rest of the unenlightened world, but you need to figure out how much of your problem is the inability to find and reject all that external societal shaming about the minor part of you that is not straight and kinky. Only when you have removed that from the equation, no small feat, can you answer the question-- what next? To the degree that the answer to the orientation question is more "I'm not straight" then the answer to the current relationship you are in is more challenging. But never forget the human element, each relationship is unique. If you are in a straight relationship and your answer to the orientation question is "I'm mostly gay but somewhat not," then your problem is of a different quality, still not insoluble but still you have to consider all those other aspects/portals/facets of your life that relate to your relationship with your spouse/partner and don't revolve around sexual identity or orientation. And don't forget like the trans-continental railroad, you can move, build towards each other, perhaps. If she has an open mind and a good heart. Only you can answer the questions about that mix. Good luck on your journey. you have perceived, over your lifetime,
Sid- Thanks for the feedback, I do really appreciate the length you went to to help. To address the first part of your response: The reason that I did not write about society's view of homosexuality is that I do not feel as though this is a factor in my determination right now. Yes, I probably in my past chose the heterosexual side of me to identify with as it was easier, however unsatisfying as it has proven to be. I however at this point know in my heart that friends and especially family would be little more than surprised to find out that I was gay. This is to do with my family's values of acceptance and love toward one another and also the friends i have chose who have the same values. At this point simply choosing the "straight" side is not enough for me. What I am struggling with is that I really want to make sure that if i break up the union with someone with whom I love and loves me very deeply (we are not perfect but never fail to be committed to one another) that I do this for the right reasons. I cannot be sure that if I were to go down this path if it would be any more fulfilling, I only know that it is truly what I want in my heart. This struggle vs my life I have built thus far is a great source of anxiety and guilt for me. All of that said, yes, my wife is aware of all of this. All. And she is ready for me to make a commitment and own it either way, obviously she would prefer if I would continue to be committed to the marriage and work on our issues but I am not sure if i could do that or not with it being in the back of my head that I deep down feel like I need to figure this out once and for all, to find out if I could finally find a relationship that is satisfying for me with a man to whom I am attracted. Thus here I am. She has said to me that if I were to come out to her in a year that she would be angry that I did not do this sooner. Thus I write from some desperation from someone who might have some insight that I do not. Thanks Ony
