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Stupid Top or Bottom Questions

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Isaac, Sep 3, 2008.

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  1. Isaac

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    Okay, I think its funny how some homosexuals hate to be stereotyped as male or females. For gay men they do not see themselves as more the male (the stereotypically dominant person) or female. How ever they are perfectly okay with labeling themselves as top (again stereotypically the dominant role) or bottom. I think its stupid how people will always want to know, and assume f its two top's, or two bottoms, it won’t work, I don’t understand that. Again, most of this is stereotypes but I don’t look at my sex position or something like that as where I stand in the relationship. It is more of my personality and where I stand. I don’t know, maybe I'm just a hit and miss, but it's a double standard on its own, and it is very annoying.
     
  2. Quitex

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    It is annoying. However you won't deny that many people prefer to be top or bottom, and just that. I would be.... versatile. however some people wouldn't stand being top or being bottom.
     
  3. Wander

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    I agree that people who limit themselves strictly to dominant or submissive roles can be a little...obstructive, but that's their own preference. I'm not tying myself down to a certain label, at least.
     
  4. smilealways

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    Maybe its just a sign, what the person is more interested in.
     
  5. gutsrie

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    asking if i'm the man or woman in the relationship doesn't bother me though it is irrelevant to my sex position in the relationship. i know what they mean though and most people just aren't aware that stereotypes don't always apply, especially in the bedroom.

    but man, we sure have some curious people asking. it really makes me wonder about them...
     
  6. RENThead

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    like the "well who wears the pants?"
    the butch and fem thing really annoys me when people are talking about female relationships.
     
  7. Lexington

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    I think you're comparing apples and oranges here.

    When two straight people start a relationship, there's a very obvious assumption that's going to be made by all people. To wit - the guy is going to be the top (the inserter), and the woman is going to be the bottom (the insertee). This doesn't mean these two have to have sex that way, of course, but they'll certainly be fighting against that assumption.

    When two gay men get together, there are no assumptions one can make - not only from the outside, but even inside. Even the two guys themselves won't know how things will shake out in the bedroom unless they let each other know. And that's where the whole "top/bottom" thing comes into play. It lets other gays know "Hey, if you take me to bed, this is what you can expect." And if you're in the market, that's helpful information to know. If you really want to be the bottom, it's going to be rather disappointing to finally get that guy in the bedroom...only to find out that he really wants to be the bottom, as well.

    And yeah, this information tends to extend past the two people to whom it's really important. Close friends tend to know or find out, and even some clueless straights or nosy gays will ask. These same people would never ask a straight couple that question - not because they hold a double standard, but because in the vast majority of cases, the guy is going to be the top.

    Classifying oneself as a top or bottom means one thing only - what one wants to do in the bedroom. I've met some really passive tops, and some really aggressive, dominant (even controlling) bottoms. Straight people (and some gays) might want to play the "the top is the man" game, but most gay guys know that that's as much a stereotype as the "gay guys love Cher".

    As to whether two tops or two bottoms can enjoy a relationship, sure, they can. But it's an area that's going to need some compromise. It'll come down to how committed/insistent they are to their top/bottom status. If they're more versatile, or more willing to try some things, then things should be fine.

    Lex
     
  8. Jim1454

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    When the first question a guy asks you is 'top or bottom' you can be pretty sure that he's only interested in sex. Depending on what you're looking for, you might want to steer clear of those guys...

    I've had a number of guys say that they don't actually want to know up front. If they've met somone and think they're a cool person that they want to get to know, they'd rather find out in the bedroom what position that person likes. THAT makes more sense to me - because the sex is only one aspect of a relationship. And your 'position' or 'role' in bed might evolve over time, or change depending on your partner.

    So classifying yourself will tend to limit your experiences, as well as potential partners.

    But you also have to accept that homosexuality is a bit of a curiosity for people, and they are going to ask somewhat indelicate questions at times. Try not to sweat it.
     
  9. Isaac

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    Thanks everyone, IM not sweating it at all, and actually I dont find that its straight ppl who ask this question but mostly gay men. I just find it weird oh so people will classify there position in the relationship based on if they are a top or a bottom or things like that. I dont like to be clasified as the "male" or "female", and I dont want to be classified as the top of bottom. I agree, that the sex is only one apsect of teh reltionship. If I'm a top in bed, that does not mean that I am teh dominant person on the re;ationship,a nd ot does not mean that everyone or anyone is. I do agree that versatility os good, both in and out of the bed room.

    I just thought it was weird how some gay men hate to be clasfied or steryotped or answer the question of who is the "male" or "female", but they will freely naswer if they are a top or bottom and if they want to be domonant or not in the relationship. The sex is not everything so I dont get it lol lol. Oh well, I just thought it was a funny thing that people do lol.
     
  10. Proud1p4

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    My two cents: I like men. I was born male and i am comfortable with that.
    Therefore we both play the male role and inherently would be both top and bottom.
    It's arrogant for people to assume one has to play a more masculine or feminine role.
     
  11. Isaac

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    EXACTLY, I love your two cents, and you shoudl add some more every now and then, you might make a loonie hahahaha.

    Seriosuly thouh, I agree with what u said, i like it
     
  12. Swamp56

    Swamp56 Guest

    Never had sex, so there is no top nor bottom in my relationship ;D
     
  13. Adrian

    Adrian Guest

    Have any gay guys ever got in the bedroom but gone home without sex due to lack of organization?
     
  14. Quitex

    Quitex Guest

    You mean in history? Yes of course!
    Here? Hmmm.
     
  15. Miaplacidus

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    SO true...

    I usually tend to reply, "For you, I'm neither" and leave, when they do that. LOL.

    To me it isn't really important because I'm versatile but I know that it is for some... and it's a completely valid question to ask when you're getting that close with someone else.

    I'm the proof of Lex's example, hehe. I tend to be a rather passive top, I let the other guy, um, "ride" most of the time - but when I bottom I'm very dominant and prefer to be in the most controlling position possible.
     
  16. homme

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    At the risk of sounding offensive, I can't help wondering how many of these conversations in gay chat rooms are started by versatile men who are, allow me to say, perhaps a little bit less than understanding of the sexuality of others? In some respects being a bottom gay man is a different manifestation of same-sex desire than being versatile. There is no point meeting a bottom man and just waiting to find out in bed that we are not compatible. There is no point meeting a versatile man who wants to meet a versatile man (like many of you guys extorting the virtues of versatility) only to get rejected or mocked... in the bedroom. Better mention it early on (or on an internet profile) to make clear what you are up to. A lot of such discussions sound to me the equivalent of bisexual people going on about how they don't understand how anyone would ever want to be exclusively gay or straight (as if it's something you choose or haven't been open minded enough to experiment with).
     
  17. LD579

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    Please check post dates before posting, as this thread is almost 6 years old and we like to keep current threads near the top. Thanks!
     
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