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Coming out to 13 y.o. brother, should I wait?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Pie, Jul 30, 2014.

  1. Pie

    Pie Guest

    Hi everyone,

    Tonight, I came out to my mom and it went extremely well! (!) She was very accepting and we talked about it for almost 2 hours! We even cried a bit! We mainly discussed who it was safe to come out to and who it wasn't, how life was going to be difficult, ... I also told her I was on this forum and suggested that she register too.
    I have a younger brother who is 13 y.o. and I'm worried that he may react negatively when he learns that I'm gay. He often uses "fag" as an insult against me (as a joke, though I don't find it funny at all), but he doesn't know that it's actually true.

    My mother and I are worried that he may reject me or be very upset/angry, so we thought I should wait some time before telling him, a few year perhaps.

    Are any of you in the same situation? I'd like to hear from you to get a better idea of how he may react.

    Even though I'm out to my mom, I feel it's still going to be a difficult journey.

    P.S.: My brother and I are not particularly close, we don't talk much.
     
    #1 Pie, Jul 30, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2014
  2. Tetra

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    I actually have a thirteen year old sister, and we argue a fair bit. I also have an eight year old brother who I've been trying to ween out of saying things like "that's gay" (he gets it from his friends...)

    I'm kind of in the same situation. While I'm not sure how she'll take it, I kind of want her to know; just so that as she gets older, and people her age begin understanding their sexuality, she can be understanding of their situations. I want to show her that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and there's nothing to hide. Perhaps as she gets older, she will have questions about her orientation, and know that it's okay to talk to people and not hide. Basically, I'm saying that I want to set an example for her. It's not exactly an easy topic to bring up with a thirteen year old. Nothing is, really. But still, I think it's better she knows sooner than later, despite her age.

    I hope this helps a little.
     
  3. TheAwakening

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    You can take all of the need before coming out to your brother. If you're ready now I recommend discussing LGBTQ+ topics around him and ask him for his opinion on it. Depending on that you can tell him then, later, or never if you wanted. You brother may misunderstand the LGBTQ+ community and he probably only uses the word "fag" because someone in his environment he respects also uses it, like friends.

    Congratulations on coming out though :eusa_clap. The journey ahead may indeed be difficult, but realize how much stronger you are for coming out to your mother.
     
    #3 TheAwakening, Jul 30, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2014
  4. Pie

    Pie Guest

    Thanks for your quick replies!
    As you say Tetra, I shouldn't wait too much before telling him. Also I should really try to discourage him from saying "gay" or "fag". I wish my dad did something about it himself because he's giving a bad example, as if it were okay to say "fag".

    TheAwakening, As to bringing LGBTQ+ subject in the conversation, we normally don't speak about these things with my family, though that may change now! I honestly don't know what he really thinks of LGBTQ+ people and that's something to take into account to make my decision.

    My mom told me that it's my private life and I shouldn't feel bad for keeping a secret, so I don't have to rush things anyway.

    And yes, I feel sooo much better after coming out!
     
  5. JessM98

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    Congrats on coming out!!:eusa_clap
    I would begin like Tetra said, discouraging him from using those words. My youngest sister is still using those words because of school, but I talked to my other sister who is 12 and the negative effect it has on people and how those words could hurt, without coming out to her. Talk about the effect it can have on people, or thats what worked for me. Then take your time in coming out to him.

    P.S. I was wondering how you got the courage in coming out to your Mom. I feel ready, I come so close to telling her then I get to nervous. Thanks:icon_bigg
     
  6. Easton

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    Congratulations on coming out!

    I am currently going through a similar dilemma as to whether or not I should come out to my brother. Right now I'm not out to anyone in my family and I don't plan on coming out to my parents (more specifically my dad) anytime soon because I am honestly worried that he could kick me out or cut me off or something like that. However, I still feel like I should tell my brother but he often makes homophobic remarks. I think that he already suspects that I'm gay because he will sometimes just ask me randomly if I'm gay in the middle of a light conversation and my heart just stops, worried that he's going to confront me about being gay. I want to just tell him so that I don't need to worry about these confrontations anymore and have some of the weight lifted off of my chest.
     
  7. Pie

    Pie Guest

    Jess, that seems like a good approach, he uses those words because of school too so he doesn't really reflect on the impact they may have.

    As for coming out to my mom, I first came out to my best friend (I have a crush on him too but he doesn't know) and he took it very well!

    I felt better after telling him and I thought it was time for some other persons to know. My mom told me when I was younger that she used to live with 2 gay friends when she was at uni, and she also used to go to gay bars with them. She's heterosexual though, it's just that she doesn't have any problem with homosexuals. She's not religious either.

    Knowing that made me feel more secure. I knew she wouldn't react badly. I know that I am very lucky to have such an accepting mom and not everyone has that chance.

    So, I decided to read the entire "funny responses you got when you came out" thread to give me some confidence. I also tried writing a small speech to determine how I would bring the subject. When I felt ready, around 11pm, I took my courage in both hands and told her. She was shocked at first and asked me if I was sure (of course I was), for how long I knew (2-5 years), and if she could talk about it with her boyfriend (yes) (my parents split up 3 years ago), the usual questions.

    P.S. I was extremely nervous too when I was about to tell her. I took me about 5 minutes to even start talking. In this case, the TV was on so it wasn't too awkward. My advice is to practise aloud a bit so that you don't have to pick the right words when actually coming out. You just have to recite your speech. Be in a good mood too! That's what the "funny responses you got when you came out" thread is for.

    Easton, maybe you can come out to some of your close friends, to gain some support, so that coming out to your brother no longer feels necessary? I feel that we have a stronger urge to come out when we're almost not out, than if we already told some people.

    My brothers randomly asks me if I'm gay too (jokingly), and every time I just act like I didn't heard anything. I also don't react to his homophobic jokes in the hope that he'll lose interest in them. How would your mom react? Maybe her advice would be useful. Though it will be hard for her to keep the secret if she can't speak about it with your dad. Personally I told her so she could advise me on my grandparents (her parents) and if I should come out to them. turns out I should tell my grandma but not my grandpa.

    Anyway, I really wish both of you the best of luck for your coming out! :icon_bigg