Out-of-closet Bisexual but traumatized by past. Advice?

Hi Ian,
Sorry to hear about your rough past.
I would suggest reading, listening to and watching anything that you can find to do with inner peace, self acceptance, letting go, present moment awareness and meditation.
Unfortunately that's all the advice I have.

Good luck and I hope things improve for you soon.

Peace! (*hug*)

 

In Czech, we call one's dark past and secrets the "skeleton in the closet". Everybody has skeletons in the closets.

TBH I have never told this to anyone before, but:
when I was a little kid (8 or so) I practiced anal with my male cousin (same age). Instinctively. I never saw gay porn before, I just felt like doing it. Worst thing is, I absolutely loved it and wanted to do it all the time, and when we did it I told my cousin I felt "sweet feelings down there", but he said he doesn't feel the same way. He would find it fun, he saw it as a game. We stopped it after a month or so, and a few years later we stopped seeing each other. I think he was traumatised by it later though, he even told someone I raped him and that someone told me, but I just laughed it off saying he's crazy. Now, he is a drunk and pothead and I'm sometimes worried that his life failure might have been partially caused by this (his parents are terrible, so I definitely ain't the only reason). I often play with the thought of meeting him and talking about it, to settle things down. To clean our history. But I can't do it. Not just yet. But I really want to do it after I come out finally. I feel he deserves it.

But time heals things. There was a time when I felt terrible about it, but it went away. You can't dwell on your past, you simply have to accept it, realize you can't change it. Learn your lesson, and move on. That's all you can do.

Also, about your third point. Do you really want to be a part of an organisation that spreads hate against people like you and me? Do you really want to read to others texts that tell you how evil and bad you are and should be annihilated? That you are a blight on the Earth? Do you really want to be part of such a church? Open your eyes. They hate you for what you were born like, for what their god has supposedly created you like. Isn't that hypocritical? God loves all his children, except for <insert random minority>. These should be converted or killed.

They don't deserve your friendship and love, if they would refuse to give it to you if you told the truth. If you get kicked, it's a sign they are not good enough for you. Not just for you, they are not good enough for the 21st century.

 

Both my parents are christian- my dads protestant and my moms roman catholic- and they both think the way some preists treat lgbtq people is terrible. I remember the first time i asked my mom "why does the church hate gay people?" she started crying and told me that it was wrong for them to hate anyone. Anywho. My point is that if your church denounces you for being gay then they're not practicing Christ's teachings of love and respect, and you're probably better off not being there. But thats only what i think and what would i know.

 

Hello,

Sorry to hear about your emotional past.

Like yourself, I also was very humiliated throughout middle school until high school.

But I noticed that you did not change too much despite talking to various health professionals... my first advice would be... drop them and get better ones.

Psychologists should help you find self love (which is something I see missing in your description of yourself) loving yourself is the first step to start making changes in your life.

Also, therapy (or therapists for that matter) should help you understand WHY this happened to you... WHY these kids picked on you... and lastly WHY you are still holding on to those memories.

I can't change your mind from just one posting on this forum... but I can talk about my experience and why I decided to start therapy.

Like you, I was holding on to a hurtful past. Kids used to torture me every single day until my self-worth was shattered.

I hung on to the hope of me becoming something in this life. I wanted to get a better life in order to crush those guys once I had achieved that.

I was wrong of course, life has a ton of different twists and turns... and my goals have been held back a couple of times that it almost feels like I was not good enough to achieve my goals. But that doesn't mean those bullies were right.

at the time, I didn't understand WHY it had happened to me... why I had to be the one who cried, the one who got made fun of... but now I understand.

to help you understand why... you need to understand humanity. Know how much people can change and just how much life rewards people like yourself for being kind.

Don't hate the people who hurt you in the past because chances are... they don't even remember doing that stuff to you. Learn to let go of all of the hate, learn to love yourself for who you are.

They don't know you, they never did... all the things they said or did was because "it's just shit kids do at that age" it's complicated to analyze it sometimes... but just know that those people have changed (maybe not changed for the better... but why should you care?)

also, the catholic thing... man, I probably shouldn't say anything about that... but I also am catholic. But, my God loves every single person in this world. I don't read the bible nor do I try to convert people. I live my life one step at a time... and God and I have a great relationship, that's pretty much all I can say about the religion thing.

I hope I helped here's a little closing advice thingamabob:
love yourself, love the ones who love you, understand your past and move on from it, and lastly... be the best person you can possibly be.