Coming out to Friends- Goals

I'm still not feeling totally secure with my label and orientation, but I've been feeling like if I don't start talking to people in my life about this I am going to burst. My therapist says talking to my friends and getting their reactions may help clarify things and push me in "one direction or the other." Does this make sense to others?

The more I think about it the more I realize that while the coming out conversation with my friends will inevitably be awkward and terrifying, most if not all of my friends are likely to be totally fine about my being gay. I think I'm working myself up in my head a lot about how they could view me differently, or things could become awkward between myself and some of my female friends, but most likely even if it's a little uncomfortable at first things will calm down and return to the norm with time. All of them are pro gay rights and know a few gay people at least by acquaintance (though mostly gay guys rather than lesbians).

I think pushing through the initial fear and discomfort may be on the horizon, and I'm hoping that it'll bring some relief from the constant anxiety and depression. I want to talk to my closest friend, SC, about it first. I also think SC is probably bisexual herself, though she's not come right out and said it she's given some indications. The thing is, SC also has bipolar and is going through a very difficult depression right now. My therapist suggested that I ask her if she'd be up for talking about something with me or if she can't really handle it right now, rather than just diving right in. I am a little concerned she may say "yes" regardless of her own mental state. But in my current blip of courage I am wanting to set a goal for myself to try to come out to one friend this week. If I approach SC and she says she can't deal right now, I have another friend as a "backup," AC. She is likely to be completely awkward about everything, which is why she's not exactly first choice, but she is good at listening and being nonjudgemental, which is why I am considering her, still.

Another thought, I see a lot of people here saying "you'll know when you are ready" to come out. How did you "know"? I feel like in each instance of coming out (to my long distance friend and my therapist) I had to make a decision to seriously push myself into it, just to get it out. If I didn't I knew I'd just let it sit and linger and eat me alive in my own mind. But there hasn't really been a "moment" of clarity where I said "Aha! Yes, now I think I can tell ___ I think I'm probably gay."

 

Thanks for the advice, Nychthemeron. My current plan of attack is to message SC to ask her if she'd be able to discuss something with me sometime soon. I think once I get that out in text I'll be able to force myself to talk, or she'll ask me and then I will be able to force myself. Doing it all through messaging certainly would be easier, but it's probably not the most genuine or helpful way, so I want to try to meet with her if she feels up to it. No, I don't think I could handle the stress of someone banging on the closet door, but I also don't think she would do that, either.

I think I will feel more comfortable after I come out to my friends... like I said I expect most if not all of them to be accepting... worst case scenario, I could lose one of them, but I think that's my mind going to catastrophic places and I doubt it would happen. I'm trying to start with the people that I am most confident will have a positive or neutral reaction.

I think "pushing me one way or the other" my therapist was referring to whether I am bisexual or gay. I still haven't managed to force it out to her that I think I'm probably gay. I also get the sense SHE thinks I'm bisexual which makes it harder somehow.

The people I lose will unfortunately be more likely to be some family members. I hope that doesn't happen, but it may. It's also possible a friend or two will disappear for awhile because they feel uncomfortable, but they aren't the ones I plan to approach first.

 

Thanks for the well wishes. It's not even a matter of bringing it up with my therapist, because our sessions have been mostly focused on my sexuality and orientation. I just can't seem to get the actual words "I think I'm gay" to come out of my mouth. Hopefully this coming session I will manage it.

This is the message I'm thinking about sending my friend via facebook:

"Hey,

I hope you're doing all right-ish today.

There's something I've kind of been needing to talk about with someone for awhile now, it's been weighing on me a lot and I need to get it off my chest. I know you've been dealing with some deep depression yourself so I totally understand if you don't feel up to it, but I was wondering if you would be able to talk some personal stuff out with me. Just let me know, and like I said, if you feel you're not up to it or it will be too much added stress I totally understand.

Thanks,

Storm"

Does that seem ok? Too forceful? Not forceful enough? I don't want her to feel obligated to talk about this with me if she doesn't feel like she's in a state of mind where she can handle it. At the same time, I really would prefer to talk it out with her as she's my closest friend, and the person that would be able to give me the most balanced response, I feel.

 

Thanks. Whelp, message has been sent. She doesn't always check her Facebook super regularly so it may be awhile before I hear back from her. I spent over an hour going back and forth over whether I should send the message heh. This feels very surreal to me, still. The people I've spoken to outside of this forum are not people I deal with in my daily life, so part of me is still saying "This is not my life, I'm not gay, I don't have to come out, this is crazy." Hopefully this will help ground things a bit. I'm also still really fearful of being wrong about myself and later having to recant everything I've told people. Is that crazy?

 

Well, I did it, sort of. I feel a little bad, I ended up making her pull it out of me. We took a walk, and I procrastinated like crazy, finally we came across a spot to sit down and we did, and she asked me what was up. I couldn't seem to make myself say it, and she asked me if I had a crush on someone, I told her no, but what I had to tell her was sort of in that vein. And finally she asked "Are you gay?"

After that it was a bit better, I managed to talk a bit about how I've been feeling and why I've been feeling that way. She said she was cool with it when I asked her, though the conversation itself was painfully awkward. I had actually forgotten until maybe yesterday that her brother is trans, and she brought that up, as well. When we parted she gave me an incredibly awkward hug (neither of us are huggers haha) and and thumbs up, and told me she felt honored I chose to talk to her. So overall it went all right, but next time I think I need to make sure I'm better prepared to actually say the words myself. I am glad I was able to talk it out with her, though, I feel more relaxed, but also totally emotionally exhausted.

 

Thanks to both of you . For some reason I'm feeling really anxious again, maybe because I relinquished control of this a bit. I know I shouldn't, I've trusted other secrets to SC and as far as I am aware she's kept them all to herself, and she's told me her share of secrets as well. I guess I'm feeling some regret that I couldn't actually get the words out myself, because I'm not sure how I will next time, either. Something to work on with my therapist, at least. Maybe I need to try to focus on congratulating myself for having the courage to jump in, anyway, and try to not focus on that one detail. I suppose this makes it all the more real, and that's pretty scary, too. But it's good to know I have my friend's support, too. She told me that this is a positive thing because I'm figuring myself out, and it could help me and maybe even explain some of the issues I've been dealing with my whole life. I know she's right, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish I could get my emotions in check and feel that more clearly myself.

 

Yeah, I think I am a little worried she may treat me differently, I especially felt weird because it was so awkward when we parted, but honestly I think she handled it all way better than I did myself. I went to her and her husband's place last night to watch a movie and everything went as normal, so that was reassuring. I think you're right it'll feel better in time. I'm doing my best to act as usual around her so she knows nothing has really changed, too.

She's pretty much my best friend, but what kind of sucks is these days I rarely get to hang out with her alone, often it's with a group of other friends or if I go to her place her husband is of course always there. I am friends with him too but not nearly as close. They also have a 9 month old who obviously occupies a lot of their time and attention. Maybe when she is done with the treatment program she is in she'll have some more time to hang out one on one, as right now that has her days pretty full. I guess my rambling point is that at this point there still is not much opportunity for me to speak totally freely about things. I do feel really lucky that even with all that going on in her life she was willing to take the time out to try to help me.