My sister came out to my mum and I last week, and to be honest, I think it's been harder on me than it has on her. See, both of us are lesbians, but my mum only knows about her. So when she came out, I asked my mum in private what she thought about it all, thinking that it could give me an insight into how she might react to my coming out. Man, I wish I hadnt. She basically said that she was so disappointed, and that all her hopes and dreams for my sister were crushed. She said that it felt like a hole in her heart, that my sister wouldnt marry a man. I kind of softly reminded her that she would still find someone to look after her and help her raise a family, and that she could still go travelling the world, but just not with a guy (at this point I felt so awfully sick, I just needed my mum to say one neutral thing, y'know?). And my mum just shook her head and then kind of waved the conversation off, saying that she couldnt talk about it or she'd start crying. I'm heartbroken. I honestly couldnt be more crestfallen. When my sister was around my mum was obviously not happy, but she was quiet. She was a little rude (when my sister asked "Is that okay?" she laughed,saying "Okay? I- give me time to get used to it") but thats to be expected. Like, she was okay with my sister. But I got the full brunt of what she was feeling. It's been over a week and my mum still turns around to me and says "Are you really okay with your sister being...?" and I'm like yeah sure whatever so long as she's happy i dont care, but my mums reaction has seriously set back my plans... I was planning to come out this year, but I'm afraid I'll actually accidentally kill my mother if I do. Having another gay daughter would ruin her. And I dont think I could ever bear to hurt her like that. It's basically all a huge mess.
Wow I'm sorry I dot really know how I can help you but I hope that someone is able to all I can say is that it will be fine and she will be ok with it you just need to give her time
While probably not a unique situation, it can't be that common but I think you might have a bit of an advantage here. First some questions. Does your sister know or suspect about you? If yes, you and she can probably help eachother, no? A bit if mutual support. Since you're already talking to your mum on the side, you might be able to talk her down from her position, bit by bit - paving the way for your own coming out. Something like: Sis is just the same as before. She can still do all the same things as straight girls. Get her education, a job, find someone to love, make a family and so on. The only difference is that the towels will say "Hers & Hers". I think if you can separate her initial reaction from the opportunity you have here, things just might be all right.
Give her time. Despite her feeling disappointed, it seems like she still loves your sister and wants what she thinks is best for her. She is disappointed, but she is disappointed with good intentions. She will eventually come to accept your sister, and after that she will most likely come to accept you. These things just take time, that's all.
I personally think that your Mom's reaction is perfectly normal - but hear met out. She's going through dealing with a loss, the loss of your sister's "straight" identity. I realize that she never was straight, and neither were you. However, that's the way that she perceived it, and she's dealing with the loss of that identity for your sister, and realizing that her life would be forever changed. This is perfectly normal, even if a little unsettling for you in the situation that you're in. When someone is dealing with a loss such as this, they go through five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Each person and situation is different in how this is experienced, however the themes are universal. When you decide to come out, the process will be much the same for your mom, however it will look different because she's been through it before. I also agree with other posters that this seems to me like a perfect time to come out to your sister -did you know about your sister prior to her telling your mom, and does she suspect that you may also be lesbian? Either way, I think that you should probably come out to your sister sooner rather than later, but that of course is a decision for you to make, not one that you can be rushed into by some strangers on the Internet.
Thanks for the responses guys, it's actually made me feel a bit better Yeah, I'm out to my sister, she kind of told me five minutes before she told my mum and I was like "Yeah.. me too." Turns out both of us had guessed that the other was gay! I think my main problem is that I kind of feel like I've been kicked back a few paces. See, I'm out to everyone except my parents and extended family, which is cool, but now instead of thinking "Hey, this time next year I'll be fully out!" I feel like I've been shoved back into the closet again. I have to start hiding things that I normally wouldnt have hid, because they might give away something to my mum. Before I was asking my mum if I could wear a suit to the debs ball (like Prom only Irish) and now I'm trying on dresses left and right. I just feel like I have to go and start pretending to not be me, all over again. I guess theres nothing really I can do to change my situation except wait it out and try to make my mum okay with it all. Though knowing her it could take ten years before she acknowledges my sister's girlfriend!
my advice id just give your mom some time. Eventually shell realize your sister isn't going to change, but i think coming out might add more stress to the situation and shell feel singled out. Just my two cents and i wish you all the best.
Oh I just so wish you have the strength to go through this. I can understand its not going to be easy, but trust me you are still in a better position than many of us here. At least you have your sisters support which is great. And its not your fault that you both are gay if this is how it was meant to be. Its you mom who need to understand now,, its her turn. I'm sure you two would help and support in her trying times... and let pass this smoothly for her.
