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I've been smacked in the face with something totally new. Help, please.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MouseKeeper, Aug 4, 2014.

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  1. MouseKeeper

    MouseKeeper
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    I think I found out why I keep second guessing myself, but now I don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew what the definition of a bisexual was. Someone who's attracted to both sexes. But although most of my past told me I'm bisexual, there's one thing that is that is evidently the most important factor that has never come true.

    It's looking like I'm not Bisexual, gay, or transgender, but actually asexual.

    I have been aroused by sexual situations, whether it'd be about men or women, but never to the point of masturbation. I have never actually masturbated EVER. Evidently that's the most important thing that decides our sexuality because all you can think about is joining in, or what have you. Which means, although I have had minor sexual attraction, there's no strong enough of urge to say I'm sexually attracted to anybody.

    So, now I feel stupid, humiliated, shameful, confused, trapped, and guilty because I was telling everybody I was bisexual, including my girlfriend, thinking that I've identified myself properly, I felt like I FINALLY accepted who I was, and it turns out my urges aren't strong enough to say I'm attracted to anybody. I WAS 100% SURE I WAS BISEXUAL! There were times I had feelings for other men just as strong as women. I thought the second guessing was because of how the kids in School made me feel about myself. I feel like I let a bunch of people down, including myself, and God.

    Please, someone help. What do I need to do? What's going on? Why was I sure before, and then completely confused now?!

    ---------- Post added 4th Aug 2014 at 04:00 PM ----------

    Also, please be supportive. I already feel like my entire world just collapsed because of this.
     
    #1 MouseKeeper, Aug 4, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2014
  2. Tai

    Tai
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    Were these romantic feelings or sexual feelings?
     
    #2 Tai, Aug 4, 2014
  3. MouseKeeper

    MouseKeeper
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    There was a guy in my high school class that I felt lonely without, and when I switched schools, I was heartbroken that I'd never see him again. I had strong feelings that I felt that he and I could date each other, but as for sexual feelings, I had thoughts about sex with both genders, and there was some degree of arousal but evidently they weren't significant enough to count for anything.

    So, to answer the question: I had romantic feelings, and sexual thoughts. Whether thoughts and feelings are the same thing, I don't know at this point.
     
    #3 MouseKeeper, Aug 4, 2014
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  4. Chip

    Chip
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    There are plenty of people who've never masturbated for one reason or another. Some for religious reasons, some because they weren't interested, some because, well, it just never happened. Most of these aren't asexual.

    And there are also plenty of people who describe themselves as "asexual" (though they would likely not meet the widely-accepted definition) who do masturbate

    And there are also plenty of people who simply have a low or "quiet" sex drive that gets "awakened" at some point when they find the right person. I personally know several such people.

    I always caution against the asexual label because we know that asexuality is (even according to "the asexual community") less than 1% of the population, and there are many confounding factors, such as anxiety, depression, and other issues that are co-occurring with many self-described asexuals... and the problem is, those co-occurring disorders can, themselves, be the root of the lack of sex drive.

    So while I'm in no way saying that asexuals don't exist, or in any way trying to invalidate those who choose that label, I think it's also important to understand that many of the people that have self-labeled with that likely have something else going on, so in that regard, it's always wise to talk to a professional (therapist, counselor, social worker) with experience and training in sexuality issues and explore and rule out other possibilities before settling on a label that could limit your experiences in life.
     
    #4 Chip, Aug 4, 2014
  5. MouseKeeper

    MouseKeeper
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    I took a second look at my past, but this time, looked at my sexual needs and evidently, I missed a lot of stuff when determining my sexuality.

    This is what I discovered about my sexual needs:

    When it comes to seeing anything sexual, I don't get an erection, nor do I masturbate.

    Everybody around me in school had sex every day, and I couldn't understand why they wanted it so much.

    I'm a virgin and I don't feel deprived of anything.

    When it comes to wanting sex, all that runs in my mind is I could have sex, when married but if it doesn't happen, who cares?

    I'm in a relationship with a woman, but sex is the last thing on my mind.

    I have been attracted to people of both genders, but I have never felt the need to have sex with them.

    With every girl in school who had sex with every popular guy, I may feel I can date them, but I don't care about sex.

    I'm not sure what people find so great about a kiss as I never kissed, and though tempting, no priority.

    I'm not exactly one who'd support or even watch porn.

    I don't think sex is important, just there to procreate and/or express feelings that could be expressed with words.

    After a deep look inside, this is what I found. I still find both genders attractive. Is it possible that I'm actually asexual as far as sex is concerned, and biromantic the rest of the way?
     
    #5 MouseKeeper, Aug 4, 2014
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  6. MouseKeeper

    MouseKeeper
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    Well, I'm pretty sure I'm biromantic since I have had romantic feelings for men as well as women. So, for now I'm going to do some soul searching for an indefinite period of time. I'm sorry to those whom I told I was bisexual. I was seriously sure at the time, and when I admitted it, it felt good. I felt free. I felt the best I have ever felt before. I feel stupid that I could confuse Bisexual and Biromantic. I had never even HEARD of Biromantic.

    I'll be back if I get stuck, and will come back out when I actually figure out who I truly am. Again, I'm truly sorry.
     
    #6 MouseKeeper, Aug 4, 2014
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    You know what? Labels are for clothes.

    Bisexual, biromantic, straight, gay... none of it really matters. And when you get into the ones like "biromantic", there's little data to actually document a separation between romantic and sexual orientation, though it's a label that works for some people.

    I wouldn't in any way feel bad for telling people you're bisexual. Nor would I feel stupid for not knowing that "biromantic" exists, because... as far as most of the field of professionals that look at this work goes, it is not a recognized label anyway, and unless you're talking to people who are very "plugged in" to the 20000000000 labels that are currently in vogue, that label won't mean anything to them anyway.

    If it were me, I probably wouldn't bother to go back and explain that you're thinking you're biromantic rather than bisexual, because, honestly, it won't make a difference to much of anyone, and in addition, why should it matter to anyone other than you and those you feel attraction to?

    If it's parents who feel the need to put you in a category, you can say you're pretty sure you're not straight but not sure where you are on the continuum and leave it at that. That might be easier in the long run than changing labels 3 or 4 times, and once you eventually get your hands around what's really going on for you, I think the real label, whatever it is, will be pretty clear for you.

    As for the asexuality: Is it possible? Yes, definitely. And of the many people who ask about that label here, you're closer than most I've seen in terms of fitting that description. The long-term lack of interest would tend to support that idea.

    However, I also wouldn't rule out other factors. I have no idea if this remotely fits you, but, for example, people who numb emotions, who don't have good access to grief/anger, for example (meaning, they don't get really angry *ever*, and they never or almost never cry) generally don't have much access to sexual feelings either. So if you're in that category, numbed emotions could easily mask sexual feelings and expression. That's one of the reasons I encourage people to seek out therapy and explore the options. But asexuality is certainly a possibility as well.
     
    #7 Chip, Aug 5, 2014
  8. MouseKeeper

    MouseKeeper
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    Thank you very much. That means a lot to me. (*hug*)

    I did do some research and I found something. I take Seroquel to treat Bipolar Disorder. According to an article I've read, Seroquel can cause a decreased sex drive. Also, (more commonly) the conditions it is used to treat can also cause decreased sex drive, so I'm glad I didn't just come out saying I'm Asexual, I probably would've been wrong a second time, without knowing about those factors. Tomorrow, I see a doctor for Nocturnal Enuresis, and I'll ask him if I should schedule an appointment with somebody to ask about this, or if he can give me some information.
     
    #8 MouseKeeper, Aug 6, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2014
  9. Hyaline

    Hyaline
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    Chip's advice about ignoring the labels I think is really spot on. I see too often on here that people try to put themselves into a bucket because they feel they don't belong unless they have some label to align themselves to. Truth is the label is a self applied prison for some people.

    Be yourself.. And do what feels right to you.

    Glad that you connected medication with your lack of sex drive. The docs might be able to help you with that. Seeking medical advice is always a good place to start. Heck, maybe you are a sex fiend and don't even know it....
     
    #9 Hyaline, Aug 7, 2014
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