Right, so, I am currently 15 years old and closeted. I'm out to most of my friends, my therapist, and so on. Overall, I'm pretty comfortable and happy. But then: parents. It's not a matter of urgency or anything, I actually don't plan on coming out to them until I'm living on my own and such. But the comments they make here and there about gay people are effectively making me want to board myself into the closet from them forever. My parents, for the most part, support gay marriage and rights- but in the "do whatever, not in front of me though" obviously lowkey homophobic way. Especially when it comes to the mere thought that I could be anything but straight. I might as well tell them I do sheep in my spare time. :dry: They say such hurtful things like "oh, that's why people choose to be lesbians" or once, when I made a joke about marrying a female celebrity my mother (who usually loves to joke with me incredulously) looked at me sternly and said "that would be fucking weird." They say/do things like this all the time. It's incredibly damaging and makes me never want to come out to them. I guess what I'm asking is, how do I build a resiliency to it? I'm sure they have a slight inclination that I'm, at the very least, "questioning", so when they say things like that, a part of them has to know it hurts. I suppose maybe, subconsciously, they hope that by hurting me it'll somehow "convince me not to be gay". On some level, it sure as hell is making me less confident about it. Anyways. The point. I don't want to come out to them until I move out, but I also don't want to let them treat me/being gay like this. I try to defend being gay to them when they shit on it, but it gets hairy quickly because it makes me being a lesbian that much more obvious. And I'm not exactly ready to burst out of the closet in a rainbow leotard, if you feel me. What should I say/do to help the situation? I don't want them to think this sort of negativity is alright, thus making matters worse for me when I do come out.
I'm so glad you posted this because I'm in a very similar position. My stepfather and mother seem to be fine with everything that relates to being gay, but however my grandparents are the slightly homophobic ones. My grandparents are a big part of my life and we're a very close family. They're moving closer to us next year, so things are about to get interesting. I stay with my grandparents over the Summer and I hear all sorts of names and put downs for gay people. Whenever a situation like that pops up I'm very quick to defend the whole gay community. I understand how it hurts to hear it and not be able to say "Hey, I take it personally when you say stuff like that." I really hate today it, but if you want the negativity to stop you're going to have to put your foot down and straight out tell them you're sick of hearing it. If push comes to shove, tell them you care about this topic so much because a very close friend is gay. I don't think you should ignore it or laugh it off because that's avoiding the issue. You ARE going to have to seriously tell them to quit. If they don't quit, just tell them you don't want to hear them say anything about being gay if it's negative.
Oh wow.. I'm so sorry I have an idea of how hard this would be for you.. My grandparents are slightly homophobic themselves.. My other grandparents not so much though. I think yes you would be using the safe option by being in the closet until you're old enough to move out but if this all gets too much for you.. do you have any friends who would take you in if your parents kicked you out? Maybe some relatives who aren't ignorant like your parents? I'm not sure how to reply to this thread.. Just know you are not alone though! You have mine and so many others support! (*hug*)
I think csp1993 is right. You'll want to find a way to shut them down somehow. Maybe think of it as if you were squelching racist comments. "Nobody is getting hurt just because someone is gay." "Live and let live, right?" "Please stop saying these things. It makes me uncomfortable to hear you insulting people you don't even know." "How would you feel if you said something like that in front of someone you knew who you didn't know was gay? I'd be mortified."
I'm in the same situation, too. I would tell them that you have many friends that are gay and that it hurts the way they talk about that community because you support their rights. I would say that coming out is a good idea but I understand why you wouldn't want to. It's really difficult to come out to older people. Good Luck, man. -LadyLover (!)
Good thinking! I was honestly a bit blinded by how upset the whole thing made me, I didn't even consider the "friend" option. Everyone gave me such wonderful advice, all of which I definitely will put to good use. I'm gonna stick to waiting on coming out, but I absolutely will be less lenient about them saying harmful things. Your suggestions are definitely going to be the backbone in me when I put my foot down. Thank you so much for answering/helping me!
