1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Is this hopeless?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BeautifulStranger, Sep 6, 2008.

  1. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    Hey, if anyone remembers me, I was the 15 year old complaining about HPD

    Well, now I'm a 16 year-old who hardly notices it anymore... but that's not the problem

    I finally found a guy who could hold my attention. We've been dating for a few days over 6 months now. Everything is wonderful and perfect. We are so completely in love with each other. Yeah, we fight now and then, but we always fix it and everything is perfect again.

    Anyways, I'm studying abroad in Germany this year. At first it caused lots of problems. He tried breaking up with me saying how if I stayed with him I wouldn't get the full experience. I didn't believe a story like that, so I pushed the issue until I got the truth.

    He enlisted in the army and had planned on leaving without telling me.

    I was, and still am, devastated. We had talked about this before, and he said to me (a direct quote) "I've decided not to serve... If I did that, we couldn't be together." Clearly, something changed.

    I managed to talk him into a very tricky situation. He's still serving and we're still together. But it's completely hidden. If you asked any of his or my friends they would tell you that Jeff (that's not his name, but we'll use it) was experimenting with Tyler.

    We're so sure that we love each other that we believe 100% that we can do this. I honestly do. But sometimes, when I'm feeling at my lowest, I begin to think how hopeless the situation is...

    Am I wasting my time?
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm a bit confused - how old is Jeff?

    Lex
     
  3. Gumtree

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2008
    Messages:
    929
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney - Australia
    Why did it take you forcing the truth out of him to get him to come to this compromise?
     
  4. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    He's 18
     
  5. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    I really don't know...
    He didn't want to tell me the full truth because he knew I'd react the way I did. Which was pretty much stop talking and hyperventilate.

    He's been so pessimisstic over our dating situation ever since it began. His dad is a drug dealer and his mom is a horrible woman, so he doens't live with his parents. Nothing that amazing has happened in his life. He'd always say how I was the best thing in his life, therefore he kept thinking he was going to lose me. He figured that once I discovered he had joined the army, I wouldn't want to date him anymore.

    I don't think he even thought about the possibility of dating secretly.
     
  6. byeee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2008
    Messages:
    148
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    HB
    Bremen? :x
    I think the only thing you can do is talk to him and try to work something out for both of you.
     
  7. silentsound

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2008
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Keep the lines of communication open, and just see if it works. You know yourselves and if it doesn't work you have to be brave enough to say good bye for a little while, at least on a romantic level. Don't ruin your life over him, I saw a friend do this when she went to college far away and honestly it sucks. Maybe it will work, maybe you'll find that you need to take a break for a little while and if you still feel like you want it to work together in a few years, try again without the long distance.
     
  8. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    We have worked something out...
    We write letters. We write letters epic enough to challenge the works of Voltaire.

    My fear is that there are a billion signs in my face that he's going to use this distance to cut things between us, but I can't think of any reasons why.
    One of the last nights we talked on the phone, I was bawling and saying: I don't know anything anymore.
    He got serious and said: What do you mean? Do you not even know if you love me? Jesus, Tyler... If you're going to break up with me do it now, because I'm going to need the rest of my life to get over you.

    And logically thinking, if he had wanted to end things with me, he wouldn't have let me talk him into this secret dating situation. But then I counter-act that logic with thinking like: He doesn't want to hurt you... He's only secretly dating you to ease himself slowly out of your life

    I hate thinking that way, because I know it's not true.
     
  9. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    Our whole relationship has been long-distance
    When we were both in Michigan, we lived 5 hours apart
     
  10. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    Okay
    I've started talking to his friends again. He had a freak out on me when I was talking to his friends before, but I assumed that was because he didn't want them to tell me about the army stuff.

    One of them asked me what "Jeff" told.
    I said he was serving in the army and then asked what "Jeff" told everyone else.
    I'm so scared and sick to my stomach to find out that maybe he lied to me and he's not going to serve for as long as he said... or maybe he's not even serving.
     
  11. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    I don't know what to do anymore
    I feel completely broken and lost without him. I can't function anymore. The most basic phrases of German are lost on me now. I can't do anything right anymore.

    I started talking to a friend of his because I really liked him when we met. Naturally the topic turned to Mike (I honestly don't care about Army confidentiality anymore...). Dylan (the friend) asked me what I knew about what Mike was doing. Which to me implied that he knew a lot more than what Mike told me.
    Apparently I knew all of it... but Dylan had sparked my interest. So I started asking questions.

    And now I don't know what to do.
    Mike has lied to me about so much. Granted, he's told the truth on all of the big things, but I just don't know what to do. They aren't important. They're things like he really had sex with so-and-so when he told me that they didn't. And anyways, all of these things happened before we started dating.

    But what do I do? Is him lieing about all of these little things like lieing about one giant thing? I don't know if I should send him a break up e-mail and wait 2 and a half months for him to get it or what...
    All I've done today was hold a picture of him and cry. I don't want to break up with him. He's had such a profound impact on my life. And I'm not just saying that.

    I hate myself. I think I'm an utter waste as a human and a failure. The only reason why I haven't killed myself is because I'm too scared of the pain. So not only am I a failure, but I'm a coward too. Except once... I almost did it.

    It was the day we met... and my god... I had never hit it off so well with someone before. I felt like I had known him for a lot longer. And that night as I looked at the bottle of vodka in one hand and the sleeping pills in the other, something told me not to do it. I poured it all down the drain instead.

    And then we fell in love. I couldn't believe that I had almost ended my life. If I had done it, I would feel what I feel for him today. And now I'm scared that I won't find the strength for life without him.

    And I can't tell my parents. My mom is already ashamed enough of having a 'fag' for a son. They'll send me to therapy, and that'll send my mom over the edge. She'd die if her son was gay AND mentally unstable.

    I can't lose him, but I can't live everyday like this. I haven't eaten in 5 days. I tell my host mom that I ate a lot in the city after school. She doesn't question me. And she talks about Mike with me all the time. She'll ask me things like 'Have you heard from him yet?'

    I'll say no and then explain when I should first hear from him. But inside there's this disgusting voice telling me that I'm so stupid and blind. It tells me that he won't contact me and that this is his way of cutting me out of his life. And I believe it.

    Apparently he sent me a letter the day he left for basic training. It should arrive soon. I've convinced myself of two things: 1.) He never sent a letter 2.) If he did send a letter, it's going to be the letter that ends everything between us.

    I'm so lost. I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  12. sdc91

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2007
    Messages:
    1,402
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Castro, San Francisco, California
    Don't worry about letter sending. My brother sent lots of letters in boot camp and I only received 2 of them. Just take it day by day.

    Viel Spaß in Bremen! I was there a little over a month ago.
     
  13. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    He sent it before he left for boot camp
    I was on the phone with him when he was at the post office apparently
     
  14. hoping

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2007
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    australia
    I know it seems like you wont be happy again but i promise it does get better, i once fell for a guy and i was so in love with him and then one day we talked and he told me he got offered a job in the us and 4 days latter he was gone, i know it hurts alot but your only young you have so much life to live and i know thats what alot of people say but its true and from what ive read of you, your kind, caring , smart, funny, and your very good looking, one day you will meet a guy who will love you more than anything and you will be great together, your only 16, you deserve to be happy, dont throw your life away.
    You have people who love you, your friends and family and all of us on here.
    Dont feel life is hopless, cause life can be amazing, there are so many things you can do .
    I was really depressed for many years and i tried to kill myself more than a few times and it doesnt solve anything, when i was 14 my uncle killed himself and my family was torn apart by it, im not trying to guilt you or anything .
    Your a great guy, you WILL find love again and you WILL be happy again i promise you, just give it time.
    If you need anyone to talk to ill give you my msn addy if you want, we are all here for you and dont forget you are loved by so many people
    Take care and stay safe and it will get better
     
  15. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    He lied about the army
    He told me that the army was to pay for an education... And I just found out that the people he lived with had written millions of letters for Mike to attend college with financial aide. He had two years paid in full and threw it all away. He threw away all of that care and hard work.

    He told his friend the real reason why he joined. He was embarassed about his sexuality. I always figured, which is why I kept things on the down low in public. I always asked his permission to be affectionate in public. Apparently his 'friends' would tease him about being gay and about me. He joined the army because in the army you can't be gay and therefore, he has nothing to be embarassed about. He said his life was falling apart and by joining the army, he could escape it all.

    I don't know how to feel about any of that... I know he wants to be with me. Otherwise he wouldn't have let me talk him into our current situation.

    I love him so much... but if he's embarassed about me... I just don't know...
     
  16. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth here, but...

    He's not ashamed of you.
    He's ashamed of him.

    When he's out with you, if you do anything "loving" - hold hands, sit too close, gaze into each other's eyes - he feels like it's putting up a huge neon rainbow with the word "gay" on it.
    He still feels that his sexuality is something to be ashamed of.
    He joined the army, in essence, to hide. When people see him, they'll see a soldier, not a homosexual.

    Can you still make this work? Maybe. It'll depend a lot on him. Whether he can not just accept his sexuality but embrace it.

    Lex
     
  17. LorenzG1950

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2006
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mannheim, Germany
    Hi Tyler,

    Don’t be so hard on yourself and predict doomsday before it happens. Your BF is, no doubt, wrestling with lots issues, the primary one being his sexuality. He’s taken a big step in joining the Army. From my own experience as a civilian working for the Army, I can tell you that there are quite a few gays on our base in Mannheim. I see them at the gay parties and at the local clubs. But that won’t make it easy for him since he’ll have to be discreet, especially if you sustain your long-distance relationship via email. Chances are that he can expect to deploy for a year to Iraq or Afghanistan sometime in the next year and where he will be stationed is anybody’s guess.

    The odds for your relationship to sustain itself over several years without seeing each other are not in your favor :icon_sad:. That doesn’t mean it can’t work. He could be stationed in Germany and you could hook up on weekends once in a while. Bremen is kind of far from all of the Army bases but who cares about a 5-hour train ride when you’re in love?

    One thing for sure, at 16 you will have many boyfriends waiting for you if this relationship doesn’t work out. He might not be ready for something permanent and you are legally a minor. That makes it very risky business for him. Part of the reason for him joining the Army might be to avoid your relationship from getting too deep (no pun intended) even though he loves you. If there is any way to talk to him, you might be able to get a better picture of where you stand and why he hasn’t been completely honest with you.

    PM me if I can be of help. Best of luck and keep us updated. (*hug*)
     
  18. BeautifulStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
    Messages:
    917
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jukjeon-dong, Yongin-si
    On the brightside he's doing medical

    So I don't really have to worry about him getting shot out on the frontline.