I'm new to the forums, and I'm here for a short period of time, here attempting to figure out why I can't seem to accept myself? Some back story, I am 16-years old and I have known I was gay for four years and counting, but its only been this last month that it's all seemed to connect in my head what it really means. In my mind, these last four years have just meant, "Cool, I like guys, but I can still get married to a girl." Turns out, I have no romantic feelings for any sort of female, only male. Much to my disappointment. My upbringing with sexuality is sort of screwed up with the introduction of gay porn at such a young age, (12), that today I really struggle with accepting that I'm not straight. You'd think that such an influence would of allowed me to adjust to it, but it seems to have done the complete opposite, splitting my mind to two different personalities: one that is straight and lying between my teeth, and one that's gay as a whistle, (whatever that means?). Over the four years, it seems to me that I've sort of changed from this normal-gay porn, to the disgusting stuff I'm into and ashamed to be into. Either way, it seems that it's really effecting my mental health more than it should be. I've only really told one other person I knew, but that was because they were the one who I seemed to rant to whenever I down. After opening up to them, I felt better, but I still felt awkward about it. I read stories constantly of how people really seem to struggle with this very issue for years and years into their lives, and I don't want to be that at all, but I can't help but feel extreme emotions over this. On the Kinsey-scale, I'd be between a 5/6, defiantly. I know that it is up to me for when I tell others about this problem, but that is not so much the problem, as much as it is a "coming-out to myself". Some moments, I will be perfectly accepting of being gay and having to live like that, but other moments it will be heart-shattering. It just kills me, and I can not figure out why, exactly. I keep having the idea that it is because I don't have anyone to relate to, but I don't know if that is exactly it, since over the last month I've been anonymously on other sites confessing these sins and feelings. I live in an environment that which it was sort of expected and determined for me to end up straight with a wife and children in a house with a dog of sorts, and my parents would be supportive if I came out, but our lives around here would never be the same: it would never have the same feeling as if I just didn't, so I've chosen to keep it away from my family life, at least until my later years. I mean, I know I can still have kids and a dog, but it's not going to be a wife... From what I can tell, it just takes time to be self-accepting, but its been four years, when is this suppose to end? When is the pain of brief periods of hate and disgust going to end? I've attempted to seek therapy in the past, but nobody around here seems to take the idea of mental health seriously. School counselors are useless and homophobic, help centers are non-existent in the close by area. TL;DR: Teenager struggling to accept self before I can allow others to determine if they'll accept or not. It pains me to know that four years of ignorance is hurting me now after so much.
I, too began watching gay porn at the young age of 14. It started as a result of curiosity and the thrill from doing something so forbidden. Now that I am almost 19, I am in the process of coming out. It's been going on for about a month now and I am still seeking answers. I originally settled on bisexual but am now having second thoughts...and am believing myself to be completely gay. I've never really looked at a girl and thought about how cute she was, but as of late I have been saying "oh, he's cute" quite a lot. I have been so much more confident in myself, though since I came out to myself. It's amazing. I, too, was falling into sins such as porn, sexting, and exchanging pictures, but the grace of God has freed me from them. I had one serious and heartfelt prayer that helped me to get out of my pit of sin. Things are much more clear now that I'm not distracted by those sins. Find a way to recover from those sins and I know that you will find answers.
I actually only loged in today to check something on my page, and decided to read this, and I am so glad i did. I only just came out to myself last year, after an extremely long period of suffering and hurt. Even though I know about it now, it doesnt mean I "accept" myself yet. I grew up christian in a family that went to church and expected me to have a wife and kids. It took me 3 years to realize I was gay, and I still have trouble accepting it. The first step I had to get over was calling it a problem. Its not a problem. I like to live by this quote, its a little on the religious side, but it works. "God put gays on this earth to help spread a mesage. One of unflinching acceptance no matter what." I promise you, it will come. If you look in the mirror and tell yourself everything will be alright, you will grow to accept it. Its not a problem or disease or anything. Mental health is super important. I have gone through 2 therapists. 1 in high school that I lied to and said I was straight. Even though she didnt know that aspect, we had a lot of good talks on how to boost self esteem and confidence and acceptance of self. The best one was to close your eyes and imagine a box. It can be any size, shape, material, anything. Myne was a big vault hidden underneath our house. Thr key was to imagine yourself walking to the box with all your troubles, putting them their, and locking them up so they cant bother you anymore. I put my worries of my orientation away, and I felt so much better. Not that I still wasnt gay, but The worry and pain I had about it wad away. Over the years I nearly killed myself twice because of how much I hurt. It did Not make anything better, only worse. One of THE BEST tools I had was the fact that I had a few people who knew. Juat being out to a few people allpwed me to be more accepting and less critical. One of the people I was out to, she apparently had a crush on me for years, it hurt her to lnow, but were still best friends and go to college together. I know is cliche, but things will get better. I promise. No one is forcing you to come out to anyone, just do it when you are ready. But being open and honest to others really helpes it for me. God bless, and You have my support wherever you go.
Its like my mind has become a coin on the ground: one sees the skies and the clear side of things, the other sees the grime and muck on the ground and sees darkness... Thank you for the advice and support, I've spent only a few weeks away from all these things but I imagine I just need to wait a little bit longer? There is some really great advice in here that I have not seen yet, thank you for that! It's some moments in which I see it as a problem, and others where I see it as just another thing about myself. I can tell that it will get better, but for now, my problem relies with the present. Thank you so much though for the help, the box thing is something I will need to try...
I should start off by saying welcome to the forum, I think you are in the right place for help. I've been there, Throwaway Duck. In the end your brain is always the worst enemy when it comes to accepting yourself because we as humans are so influenced by others, we see others being happy and successful and we want to do exactly as them because we feel that we will have the same result. From what it sounds like your brain is trying to suppress your orientation because from the last few lines in your post it sounds like it wouldn't be all that accepted where you are. Your whole brain is designed to take the path of self-preservation but it's only taking it in the short term. In the long term I can tell you from experience it becomes an absolute nightmare later on that turned me into a depressed, moody jerk. I also had grown addiction to porn for a while as well mostly just to try and feel something and to find a bit of punishment for myself (meaning I got into some hardcore S&M stuff a bit and tried to take my life multiple times). But I can tell you the self-hate and disgust are things that take time to get rid of but the first thing that would be a good idea is to be honest with what you are really after. Do you want a loving relationship with a man or is it the cheap sex from the porn you want? Personally I realized that all that cheap stuff was just empty junk food. It may not have been the easy path to take but I chose accepting my true self and just a couple days ago came out to my Mom which was the best thing I've ever done. It will take time and it will take a hell of a fight but in the end it's worth it to obliterate that alternate persona your brain is trying to force on you and to think about how good things could be for you once you accept yourself and finally when you are good and ready, come out of the closet.
I guess from beyond the month ago, it was the "cheap junk food" you speak of, however, over this last month, I've realized that I just want to love and be loved back, and it's had a big impact on the whole self-acceptance deal of things. I'd gone so long in one frame of mind, that switching over to the reality of things is hitting hard. Thanks...
Someone high profile came out where I live and it was on tv and the interviewers kept asking "Why didn't he come out earlier, why now?" (He was mid 30's). And finally someone said that it's not just up to the gay person to come out, but society also has a role to provide an accepting environment. I think self acceptance is really hard when lots of people don't think you are worthy of it. So don't be too hard on yourself. I have had counsellors who weren't even homophobic but didn't really have any idea of what being gay was like, they would just say it's getting better when I wanted to talk about all the pain I felt. On worrying about having a wife and kids and a dog, you're only 16 and things are changing very quickly so by the time your 20ish society will be in a lot different place. That doesn't help now, but don't worry too much about the future if you can.
