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Father's Day blows....(not AS long as my last thread) =P

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by The Enigmatic, Sep 7, 2008.

  1. Sorry it's all over the place, this is a kinda touchy subject for me.

    Sooooooo.....it was Father's Day today, actually yesterday now but I haven't gone to bed yet so meh, anyway my point was I didn't know. =P
    I've never really known the exact date, I just gooogled it apparently it's the first Sunday of September.
    The reason I don't know is because I don't have a father. (I couldn't on a fitting emoticon)
    It's not that I DON'T have one it's just that he didn't and still doesn't want me.

    I don't know the whole story but I think my mum went to high school with him.
    My mum had given birth to my sister and 15 months later she ended up in bed with my father, not my sister's father. Apparently I was his first child but for reasons unknown to me he either refused to be on my birth certificate or just didn't want to be.
    He didn't come see me or my mother in the hospital and as far as I know he didn't see me until three years later when my mother slept with him again and got pregnant with my brother.

    I started a thread a bit back concerning name changes and I'm not sure if I mentioned that I was given his middle name "Scott".
    That's one of the reasons I want my name changed, but I also want my first and last changed for similar/different reason.

    So 15 years pass and I've been living with my mum and she's had a few relationships but all the guys have been the bottom of the barrel scum you find everywhere, and of course they weren't interest in her children....
    My grandfathers had both passed away before I was born and our whole family has never been close so uncles were distant.
    In other words I grew up minus a male role model, also a female one due to the fact that I was the "good/quite child" opposed to my brother and sister who were just plain feral.

    Anywho my main point was I don't have a father and at times if I think about it I cry.
    My mother never paid attention to me, and I'm not overreacting - I was raised by myself and my nan.
    I've seen my father probably 6 times in my life and half of those times he only talked to my mum and I had no clue who he was.
    At school we did our genealogy project and I was only able to do a quarter of it. Mostly because until the age of about 7 I never knew people had more than one set of grandparents. SO I had to forget about doing my father's side of the tree and my mother's side is hella complicated. She was "adopted" but her aunt when he biological mother didn't want her, her aunt/mother was adopted - my nan - was adopted when her German mother came to Australia and gave up her children and disappeared of the face of the Earth. In other words my family sucks. =P

    Man this would be a long story if had to explain everything lol.
    I hate when I'm having a conversation and someone asks me about my "parents" it's so demeaning having to pretty much say my father didn't want me.
    I don't know where I was going with this but all I know is I have no feelings towards my parents, I think of my mother as more of a roommate.

    What's sad is that I managed to get my father's phone number a few months ago and I sent him a text asking who's number this was, I didn't know what else to say, and in response he asked who I was. So I told him my name, how old I was and where I lived and he had no idea it was me. =S Even though one of the six times I had met him was at the house I'm currently living in.

    Bleh I resent my family. I'm going to give up trying to say what I had intentionally planned to make this thread about. The stupid jerk didn't even and probably doesn't even realized that it was my 18th birthday 2 months ago. I'm also sick of people telling me that *I* should get to know him........I've always wanted to know him, he just doesn't want to know me.

    I don't want to give him a chance he's already blew it three times before, saying that he wants to get to know me. It was devastating when I realized they were empty promises. I feel like I have parents who clearly didn't want me.
     
  2. Miles D

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    Hey,
    I sometimes feel down when thinking about things relating to parents, but I always just remember that I don't need them... I mean, sure, it'd be great to know who my mother is, how we're similar, how we're different, it's be great to have some financial support, but really all I need to exist is myself.
    I know it's not very helpful, but that's what gets me through. I could get a notice tomorrow that every biological family member I've ever know or heard that I had died suddenly, and I'd still be alive. :thumbsup:

    oh, and (*hug*)
     
  3. Derek the Wolf

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    Your parents will always love you, even if they don't show it. Your father probably doesn't realize what he's putting you through. You don't have to be so ambiguous when you contact him. I'd send him a text saying IT'S YOUR SON. He may want to get to know you, but not be a person with any real initiative, I see it all the time. Some people don't know how exactly to get to know people, especially in an awkward situation as such. If you want to be close to your father, you have to take the initiative and go to him. Be aggressive. If it turns out he doesn't want to know you, then he's just a deadbeat. Don't let it bother you. As for your mother, her dating habits don't reflect how she feels bout you. She may not be paying attention to you because she doesn't realize you need the attention. She may have become distant and detached as a result of your father leaving. It doesn't reflect how she feels about you. Just because she can't handle relationships well doesn't mean love isn't there.
    And whether or not your parents wanted you, you're here now. You are an independent person from them. So live as such. Be yourself. Don't let their feelings dampen your spirit.
     
  4. beckyg

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    Wow, I can tell by your post that this really hurts you. I have a nephew who was basically abandoned by his mother. He's been through so much. So I know where you are coming from. Your mom just may have not taken up with another man because of the hurts she's experienced from past relationships and the fact that you said none of the guys she dated were interested in her kids. You know what? If I was single, you love me AND my kids or you are not welcome in my life! If I was to get involved with somebody with kids, I would make sure that his kids were a meaningful part of my life too! So her remaining single all these years may have been because of that.

    Also, the same person that got your mom pregnant all those years ago may or may not be the same person he is today. People change. If you have your Dad's address I suggest you write him a letter and tell him you would like to get to know him. Yes, you face the risk of rejection but at least you will know that you tried. If he doesn't respond or says no, then you know he hasn't changed at all and you can move on with your life. However, he just might say yes.
     
  5. Heretic ZyX

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    Consider yourself lucky. I'd rather have no father than my father. If he doesn't want to be a part of your life then to hell with him. You'll be just fine without him.
     
  6. AS much as I'm sure people would like to believe it, no I don't think it's true that parents will always love their children. Some people just aren't fit to be parents, I know without a doubt in my mind that if I had a child whether it be through a surrogate mother or adoption that I would lavish my children in love every single day and I'd give them a big ol' kiss right before they left for school until they went off to uni - whether they liked it or not. =P

    mediumdietcoke
    That's how I have been dealing with it, but still there's always going to be those moment when I just start to wonder or when I need someone to talk to or a hug. I'm not even remotely close with my mum so I haven't even been getting that. I'm just waiting for the day when I move out and find that right guy and I won't be entirely alone anymore. But for now I'm more than happy just living with myself, so to speak.
    If things had been different while I was growing up then I'd be a different person than I am today and for all I know that person could be better or worse.

    derek
    I was never trying to give the impression that my mum's dating habits had anything to do with me, just that the people she dated, as with the guy she's with now, are just plain scum. They really do stink out loud and they never even spoke to us really.
    There was this one guy though, he was absolutely the best guy in the world. I do resent that my mum broke it off with him because he was "too nice".
    He was the best thing that happened to her and she left him and went back to her current abusive, drug addict/dealing no hope jerk loser who feels the need to criticize me because I still live at home at 18. Even though I plan to leave once my last two years of school are over and I head off to UNI, he on the other hand still lives with his mummy and he's 38.....-__- He's lived on hi "own", he moved in with a few friends, and after 2 months he was back at his mum's place. EPIC FAIL.
    Lol, yet another infamous Enigmatic rant.
    My point is no my mother has very little love for me, she didn't want us and blames us for ruining her life.......stupid girl should have used protection lol.
    And I know I'm my own person what I was trying to convey was that it would have been nice to have a little help/comfort/affection once in a while when I was younger.
    Now I just live without it. =P

    beckyg
    <3
    You're such a comforting person. =D
    My mum hasn't actually been single for about 11 years now that I think about it. =S
    It's just that the man she's with is A DICKHEAD, =S excuse the language, but there's just no other way to put it.
    As I said above he's abusive, to all members of my family, he both sells and uses drugs in the house, bleh there are so many things wrong with the guy.
    I don't hate people but if I did he would be right up on top of my list.
    Things are calmer-ish nowadays though. Nothing has really stopped but the abuse has diminished dramatically due to the fact I stod up to him.....go me! =( That was a scary day, especially because I'm a bean pole! When I sneeze I'm knocked over backwards and it takes me a year to hit the ground. =P
    I resent the fact that my mother never even tried to stand up for us when we were younger not even a "hey you wanna stop hitting him that hard at least?", it makes what little feeling I have for her disappear.
    Now she has a 5 year old with him so he had a reason to stick around. -_-
    And what worse is that my mum has become dependent on him, if I call the police to he him arrested for any of the things he does nearly daily she'd probably be out on the streets. NOt to mention the fact that I'd be taking away my little sister's father, no matter how bad of a man he is.

    If I can manage to find my fathers address I think I will write him a letter, texting is too impersonal for my liking and I want to make sure he knows how I feel about the situation.
    Buuuuuuuuuut.....if I do get to know him I have the "oh, by the way I'm a flaming homosexual" thing to deal with. My mum found out by accident and I never really felt the need to tell her. But that little conversation isn't the easiest to bring up to with a complete stranger who may or may not have a role in my life later on.
    I'll probably just add it in the letter, I'm determined to write it now, I may as well hit him while his down because I know that my letter won't consist of "i'd really like to get to know you and I don't care that you were never around" it's probably going to be more like "I'll never forget that you weren't around when I was growing up, nor were you there when I needed you, I resent you for not giving me the time of day......." and so on - it will be more or less me bagging him out then saying I'd still like to at least meet him lol.

    Stupid parent....*mumbles*
    There's no way someone should be let off scot-free for that.

    Sorry about the ranting but like I said, I may lead a happy life even with these circumstances but it still hurts to think about it at times.
     
  7. Heretic ZyX
    =( That's no good, but at least you had one. Although I have no idea why you say that I'd be exuberant if I had had a father growing up, sadly my mother way never the one to enforce discipline so I took/take advantage of that.......not a good idea - people need rules and boundaries lol.
     
  8. Becky hit it spot on. He may be different from back then, he may not be. But at least if you try you can at least get some closure and move on.

    My mother is a firm believer in this. She says all the time that it's either me AND the kids or no one at all.
     
  9. Wander

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    If it's any consolation at all, the American Father's Day is very close to my own birthday, but that's pretty insignificant compared to your situation. I wish you the best in the future, and I hope something good will come from this if anything can at all.
     
  10. beckyg

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    OK, if you are going to rake him over the coals then use "I feel or I felt" messages. Don't say "You did this or you didn't do that." It feels much different than those blaming messages because really you don't know how he felt or why he stayed away. You only know how it made you feel.

    And about your mother....thanks for explaining. Yeah, she needs a swift kick. However, don't let this man abuse your siblings even if you are afraid of your mother being on the streets. It may be just the push she needs to get her act together.
     
    #10 beckyg, Sep 7, 2008
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2008
  11. ScentedRegrets

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    Dear Enigmatic,

    Although I had (and still have) both of my parents, I can relate to a lot of what you have experienced. My mother always wanted to have a large family (5 or 6 kids). She tried very hard, and the only successful one that came out was me. She's had nearly a half a dozen miscarriages and lost a child two months after birth (when I was 4).

    Turns out, it was probably a good thing that she didn't have that large family. While I love my mother very much and she loves me very much, I have never really had a relationship with my father, and neither parent was really 'there' while I was growing up. I remember in like 5th and 6th grades (when I was about 10 or 11) coming home to an empty house after school and making myself something to eat. My mother would come home about 9 or 10 at night, after her coaching jobs got through. Then, my father on the other hand, decided that it would be best if he took the 4 to midnight shift because he decided that he was not a family man. The extent of our relationship took us when I'd be walking up the street from the bus and he'd be driving down the street on his way to work. I even remember one day when it was pouring, and of course I didn't have an umbrella. He drive down the street, passed me, honked and waved, and then continued to go. I had about 500 feet or so to walk in the rain... didn't even offer to drive me. He didn't (and doesn't) hate me, he just values his own life and his own independence much more than his family life.

    My job, as a Human Resources Representative requires me to encourage people to do things that will help themselves out, and help the Company out. Let me tell you something that I think will help you out. I think that Becky hit it spot on (as she usually does). People do change. You seem motivated to write this letter, and I would encourage you to do so.

    Reading your posts indicate that you have a very strong (and intelligent) head on your shoulders. Remember that whatever the outcome is, it is in no way a reflection of who you are or who you are going to become. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk any further.
     
  12. Becky
    I'll keep that in mind, thanks =).
    But in some cases I will most definitely be using "you weren't" or "you didn't" just because that's simply how it is.
    He rang my mum early this year asking if she wanted to "hook up" with him and managed to completely forget to ask if I was still even alive. -__-

    The reason I stood up to mum's boyfriend was because he was abusing my brother, he was repeatedly kicking my brother because he had his feet on the couch. -__-
    And since then the water's have calmed, but I know it's only a matter of time. He still fights with my sister, but I can't really do much there - I'd probably get stabbed trying to stop them or flattened with a flying kitchen table.
    My sister is insane, literally. She's a scary person, between her and mum's boyfriend I was being wailed on every other day.
    Actually it was scarier standing up to her than mum's boyfriend, he's yet to brandish a knife. But I think last year or the year before that we got into a fist fight - note that prior to this I had never hit back - but this time I stood my ground and she's left me alone since. My poor younger brother still gets pounded by her though, only when I'm not there to try and intervene. Mum never tries to stop her either. I'll also note that both my sister and younger brother outweigh me lol, and I have as much muscle as a kitten. =P
    Oh also as for mum, I think she really does need a kick in the behind - her life is a disaster. She's been unemployed for 20 years and if she doesn't do something soon she'll be on the streets for sure. She still has 2 children to look after and my little sister is still going to be dependent on her for the next 13 years at least. Living off the government is embarrassing and it's not like she hasn't had the chance to get a part time job at the least. -_-
    But again thanks. =)

    ScentedRegrets
    I'm sorry to hear that you had a though time growing up too. I'm sure no matter what people say everyone would love a bit of parental support, I know I would.
    I know there are people who have it worse off than both of us but right now I'm just dealing with my own problems, and I've never really been strong enough to deal with my problems.
    Some people should be made to use protection because they're clearly not fit to be parents, not that they should have their right to have children taken away...maybe just until they learn better?

    I know I do post here with rather long threads that sound like I'm complaining but I have no one else. =P
    And it's nice to have people take notice of me once in a while.
    I'm really not a self centered at all, I don't have anyone yet who cares for me...at least not in the way I need.
    I know that whatever the outcome is it has nothing to do with ME as a person, clearly because this man doesn't even know me, like I said I like to think I played the major role my growing up.....I think I did a pretty damn good job if I do say so myself.

    Thank you for your kind words and telling me your story. It makes my day soo much brighter knowing people have taken a part of their day to help me out. =)
    Hahaha that sound self centered again, but it's just something I'm not entirely used to.
     
  13. davo-man

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    Hey mate, I'm pretty bad at giving advice, esp in situations which I haven't been in before, so all I can really offer you is a hug.

    (*hug*)

    Hmm, seems pretty innadequate, but I hope it makes you feel at least a littel bit better. Just remember that in a few years, you will be able to be completely independant of your parents, and be able to live your own life. And also that this site's always here if youy need to rant again; listening (reading, rather) is what we're good at :slight_smile:
     
  14. Jim1454

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    Wow... I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. I know I'm one of the people here that often say "your parents love you, they're doing their best, etc." but in your case, it sounds like that clearly is not the case.

    Your parents have let you down - no question about it. Kids deserve much better.

    (I often reflect on how difficult it was for my wife and I to adopt a puppy from a reputable breeder - we needed to agree to certain terms and conditions - have a fenced yard, be home so many hours a day, take it to obedience school... and at the time I thought "gosh - shouldn't there be more scrutiny about people having babies than getting a puppy? Anybody can have a baby!!" Sad - but true.)

    It is more difficult to build a life for yourself when you don't have the support of your parents. However, it's not impossible. And based on what I've read here, I think you are the kind of person that is going to 'beat the odds' and build the kind of life for yourself that you want.

    I wish I could offer more than just encouragement. We're all rooting for you!
     
  15. ScentedRegrets

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    Hey, now that a day has gone by and I have given it some thought (thanks in part to a wonderful two hour delay on my train ride home this evening)... I wanted to share a few things from one independent person to another. First, I know that it may suck to feel as though you don't really have a family network to help you through the hard times, but do not let that get you down. In my experience, being 23 years old and having been an independent person since high school, it is such a proud feeling to be able to support yourself and reflect on yourself and know that you worked hard and earned everything that you have.

    Second, I know this may sound lame and boring, but please listen to me. Do not let these recent events halt your educational development. Once you are finished with school and are ready to go to University, find a field that you love and TAKE EVERY COURSE YOU POSSIBLY CAN to get as far as you can in that field. I have several cousins with no ambition that have parents who, like mine, did not really push them to attend school, keep their jobs over the long term, that kind of thing. What's the difference between them, and people like you and I? We don't have to have our hands held. As I wrote yesterday, you seem to have a very strong head on your shoulders. Living in predicaments like you are right now can send mixed emotions, but that does not mean that you have to sacrifice your future development and professional success. As someone who spends 6+ hours a day on average trying to fill open job positions for my company, I look for ambition and I look for things that make someone unique. I think you have a bright future, and no, I am not saying that as a form of counsel. I am saying that because I don't want you lose sight of your potential.

    See, one thought that occurred to me is that, given your predicament, which is not entirely dissimilar to my upbringing, it is easy to feel sorry for yourself. Don't get me wrong - you deserve much better than the hand you were dealt. But from a psychological standpoint, you have two options. First, you can feel sorry for yourself. This channels the majority of your energy into blame and creates distractions. Second, you can tell yourself that "a, b, and c have happened, but in order for d, e, and f to occur, this is what I must do." I think you have the strength and the ambition to choose the latter, and I would encourage you to think about what you want... sort out your future goals... short term (6-12 months), mid-term (1-3 years), and long-term (3+ years). Then, dedicate your time and energy toward achieving those goals. Let me know if you want to chat any further...

    Cheers!
     
  16. James

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    Agreed, I don't like mine either.
     
  17. ScentedRegrets
    Ouch a 2 hour delay must have stunk!
    I don't know if I said much about school but I can give a quick recap on how things went for me.

    Primary school went fine.
    The first year of high school went fine, although I did drift apart from all my male friend but one.
    My second year was probably one of the worst things to happen to me though.
    My best, and only, male friend had to move away at the end of the last year and the beginning of that year. Then every single one of my other friends stopped letting me hang around with them!
    They had been my friends since I had started school and they were all I knew.
    I'm an incredibly shy person and have a hard time making new friends and about a quarter through my second year I was completely alone and found it impossible to join another of the already formed groups.
    I tried the solo thing but that didn't work, then the bullying started.
    No friends + bullying = a totally depressed me.
    I tried to keep at school and attempt at making new friends but in the end it became too much for me and I stopped going altogether.

    I stayed away from school for that year but made a conscious decisions to go back the next year and redo my second year with completely differnet people.
    It took a while but I managed to force myself into a group of friends, who to date are my best friends.
    School was always hard after that year and things at home started to escalate.
    I started to miss school now and then and was still depressed despite making new friends after a year of solitude.
    I stuck it out at school and despite my lack of attendance I passed the next 3 years, mostly because I can learn things pretty fast and all my teachers liked me.....for reasons unknown. =P
    I actually missed rather large chunks of school, like literally months. =S

    But that was ok.
    I passed my 4th, technically 5th, year of school and was set to move to Year 11.
    Which is a big deal kind of, because this was when freedom kicked in.
    BUT my depression peaked and I gave in. Not because of the classes or the work, I wasn't even the people it just did.

    People are always riding me for missing school and dropping out, but they never seem to take note that I've always gone back and always own my own accord with no help from anyone else.

    This post is gibberish I know, but I wok up too damn early - like moments after falling asleep early, and once I wake up I'm up until the next time I can fall asleep.
    Also I have a dentist appointment today =( they're never nice. PLUS my ex's mother is a dentist there and I haven't seen her since before we broke up. And he's a jerk and I'm sure he's said it was my fault and has been saying untrue mean things about me.

    Umm back on topic, I'm actually going to enroll for school today. =D
    I picked my classes a few weeks ago but the school has been blowing me off whenever I rang to make an appointment to actually enroll so I'm just going to go in today.

    In conclusion school was a sub par experience for me.
    I can't escape from home for now, but school I could. I had no support when it happened and my mum didn't really care that II wasn't going.

    This post is contains nothing of what I had originally intended to say but I would really like to thank for for taking the time to listen, or read if you will, and for just being so darn supportive to a complete stranger. <3
     
  18. Sam

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    Why not give him a chance? Sure he might not of changed at all but you don't know until you try. It might turn out to be a good thing and if not you can at least say you gave it a chance. Chance meaning that you actually contact him in a way that he knows exactly who you are. Good luck.

    Sam
     
  19. ScentedRegrets

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    Hey Enigmatic, I am glad to see that you are enrolling in school. I know I run the risk of sounding like a broken record, but you can really use that as your escape. I really believe that people have two choices - to feel sorry for themselves and make excuses for not doing things, or to use their situations as a source of escape and a reason to accomplish something. It sounds to me as if your mother may not be showing much support. But it sounds to me as though you have your head in the right direction. And I think that you are channeling your energy in the right direction, too.

    Don't forget that putting all of your energy into school work (and trying to find your "in" group.. or a small group of people that you are comfortable around and would be comfortable to socialize with) can really serve as your escape. Once I graduated high school and went on to college, I went far away from my friends, and particularly my best friend and his brother, whom I grew up with. There I was, four hours away, and my emotions were throwing me curveballs at every corner. Absolute hot guys who were horny as hell, jocks running around the campus without shirts, and here I was, in the closet and afraid to express myself. So, needless to say, I spent a lot of time reading and doing school work. I wish that I had more fun in college, and I wish that I had had the courage to try to meet someone... maybe Mr. Right, but maybe just someone to share some good nights out on the town with. But you know what, I did the second best thing... put the time and effort in and graduated in the top 10 percent of my class. Now I have a job that I love, and now that I am finally ready to come out of the closet (friends about 2 months ago, just starting with my family), I have what I think is strong future career potential, and the ability to be honest enough with myself to seek out potential matches for a boyfriend.

    My point is that you really do have a strong head, and you have something that many people your age don't have - ambition. This particular reply is not intended to be so much advice as it is to just give you a small pat on the back. I am paid a decent salary to match talent and ambition with open jobs. I see good ambition in you, and I think you are going to hone in on your talents and be an even stronger person when all is said and done.
     
  20. George1

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    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    (*hug*) [gives you a huge hug]

    I read through your posts on this topic and cried. I'm sorry your father has been such a b@$74rd to you whenever you did get to see him. Thanks to my father I've been cut off from his entire family and rarely get to see my mum's side of the family because of him.

    But then I realise that we should focus on what we have and not what we haven't.
    (*hug*) It's great that you're starting school again.

    I'm sorry I couldn't say much, but I really wanna say that I reckon the fact that you've survived all this is reason enough to commend you.