I need help kind of quick here. I don’t want to come out of the closet in anger and use my being gay as a tool to hurt my mother. I’ll give you some background: When I was young I was mostly deaf. I was in speech therapy through to the fourth grade and until that time, most people couldn’t understand me. My hearing could have been fixed with “tubes”, but it was right after “tubes” were first thought of so my family decided not to have me undergo the surgery. When I was around 13 my hearing came back naturally, but I have always been self-conscious of how I talk/sound. My parents separated when I was five years old and ever since I have been the “man of the house”. My mother always finds qualities of me that remind her of my father, but they are never the good qualities, it always ends up her saying that I torture her as much as my dad and that she left him for a reason... I don’t really care for my father, but I look, sound and act like he does. It is not my fault though, I can’t be blamed for his actions simply because I resemble him. So over the years I have had to carry the consequences of his actions. In ought-one my grandmother, Gee-Gee, died. Gee-Gee was not only my mothers mother, but her best friend in the world. Since the passing of my grandmother my Mum hasn’t been able to vent to anyone about hardships in her life like she used to with Gee-Gee. So, for the past YEARS I have carried the role of my father, my grandmother, a bastard son, and “straight Wade”. I can’t do it anymore. Tonight Mum got home from work (second shift, but I am still awake) and she was talking to me about my work (I work in the same facility). She was telling me how the administrator wants me to do this, and do that, and I got irritated because I think that it should be me that the administrator talks to about my duties. Mum could tell that I was irritated because I got even more quite then usual and what I did say was just like my father. So because of my not wanting to talk, she ended the discussion even though there was something else that, I didn’t know about, but she wanted to talk about. I asked her what it was about but she said, “nope, never mind. I don’t have anyone left in this world that I can talk to any more.” Then she went on to talk about how big a hole she had in her heart and me only make it bigger. I asked her what I said that made her get so pissed off, but she said “it’s not what you say, it’s what you don’t say.” Well, there is a lot that I don’t say, like talking about the real me, the gay me, the person scratching and clawing to get out of my shell. When she went to bed she said “I’ll see ya sometime.” instead of saying “I love you”. It is a rule of ours that no matter how mad you are, you always say I love you because you never know what will/can happen next. So, tonight she dumped all of this bullshit on me, and I just wanted so bad give her a real reason to hate me, not something that someone else had done to her. Something that was directly from me to her. I wanted to make myself feel better, even if it made her feel worse, I want to get the weight of four people off of my shoulders. If I said, “ ohh yeah? Well, Im gay so take it or leave it!” then it would be using an act of love, to make hate and blame. Being gay doesn’t mean that you are any different, it is just an action of love, but love should never be tainted and should never be used as a tool to get revenge. I just really want to tell her everything that I haven’t said for the past years. The silence that speaks louder than words. Let her know why... I just really need help and advice, I think this is the time for me to come out Thanks, Love always, WW
WW - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate a little to your situation - being a confidant to your mother isn't really a role that you should have to have played. She needed to be sharing her adult issues with another adult, not with one of her kids. You can't fix her problems. Now though, as two adults, it is important that you communicate properly if you can - to avoid hard feelings and resentment on both your parts. A technique for effective communication that I've been shown - so that it isn't confrontational - is to make it about yourself instead of the other person. The format that I was told goes something like this: You would say - "When 'x' happens, I feel 'y', because 'z'" So from your note, an example might be: "When you compare me to dad in a negative way, I feel frustrated, because I can't help the way I look and the way I talk." Its a fairly non-confrontational way of talking to someone, because you're sharing how you are feeling and why. It might help your mom understand what's going on in your head rather than just closing down with her. I wouldn't suggest having the 'gay' discussion first - you need to be in a better place with her first, because it will be important for you that she understand how you're feeling and that she support you. Not sure this will help. Let me know if you want to chat more. You really have been carrying an aweful burden, and it would likely be good to start getting some of this stuff off your chest.
i think the reasons for you wanting to come out are not spiteful at all. you have a lot on your chest, as you said, you feel you have to be your grandmother, your dad and yourself. to be your mothers shoulder to cry on, and to truely be close to her, which is always a good thing - honesty should bring you closer, and should get rid of some tension between you. espescially when your mum comment on 'its what you dont say'... be tactful about how you say it - choose your words carefully and do it at an appropriate time good luck mate!! also i think you should tell your mum to stop bringing up the similarities between you and your father - its not fair on you as long as you are clear that the reasons you are coming out are genuine, i wish you good luck
I don't even know where to start. Your mother sounds INCREDIBLY awful and spiteful to me, just from what you've said here. Dude, you are NOT your dad and your mother should NEVER EVER imply that you are. And if she says you act like him, well, that's HER projecting that onto you. How dare she dump her baggage with him on YOU? A 5-year-old cannot be the "man of the house" (and that's not even getting into how disturbingly stupid the whole notion is in general). You were FIVE! You didn't do anything wrong and she is an appalling human being for taking ANY of her feelings surrounding your dad out on you. I have heard of guilt trips before but this woman must be a master. You should NEVER have had to. NEVER! She's an adult and you are (or were) a child! My father started dumping his issues with my mother on me when I was a teenager and even though I didn't know how to express it, I knew immediately that it was completely inappropriate for him to be doing so. You just do not DO THAT to your child. It's sick! You are not there to be her best friend. That is not your role or your responsibility or your duty or anything. That's really sad that she lost her Mum (by the way why do you say "Mum" if you're American... my excuse is that I'm Canadian and my mum was British)--my mum was devastated when she lost hers--but again, why is she taking that out on you? (In other news, I find it just SHOCKING that she has no one but her family to confide in... she sounds like such a pleasant human being.) Yes, I can understand why you'd feel that was more appropriate. Okay, this is CLASSIC guilt tripping! Like textbook. And how do you know you said stuff just like your dad? Because SHE tells you you do? I bet you're nowhere near as similar to your dad as you've been led to believe... Why do you think revealing you're gay should be a reason for her to hate you? No seriously, WHY? What is it about being gay that makes you worthy of someone's hate, especially your mother's? Your mother might be shocked, or disappointed, or angry, or hurt, or stunned, or many other things if you tell her in a negative way... but why should she feel HATRED? You are HER CHILD! If she hates you, there's something very, very wrong with HER, not you. Why would you think, for one second, you were someone who deserved to be hated? Because you're tired of being manipulated and forced into being your mother's punching-bag? Because you just want to be yourself, and not some kind of carbon copy of your father? Because you're sick at heart that someone who is supposed to love you has been beating on you for years? All that is worthy of sympathy, not hatred. Of compassion and understanding--but not hatred. Well yes, ideally it's better not to come out in anger... but it sounds to me like you have some very valid reasons to feel angry. Well I don't expect you to necessarily believe me but I think you need to get away from your mum. Like far, far away for quite a good period of time so you can sort yourself out. I don't think your issues have anything to do with being gay and in the closet--that's only tangential to how she's treating you and has treated you all your life (from the sound of it). I'm sorry... it's just so totally unacceptable for one parent to burden their CHILD with the (purported) sins of their partner. And it's certainly ridiculous to do that ALL that child's life and then expect that child to be their bestest friend because *boo hoo* their mommy died. Like is your mother not aware of how an adult behaves? :confused2: She sounds like a really awful version of a grown-up petulant child with a mile-wide vicious streak. Look... I know I've just spent this entire reply trashing your mum. I get that. And I get that she's your mum and you love her. But you might, just might, want to consider that even though you love her, that doesn't mean she's treating you well. And I don't mean "she had a bad day and she snapped at you" not treating you well--I mean "she has huge issues and she is completely unfairly taking them out on you--and has all your life" not treating you well. I think when we're gay, especially as we're coming out/about to come out, we tend to think everything revolves around that... like every issue that's going on in our lives can somehow be traced back to that. And in reality, we're human--we have issues that have nothing to do with our sexuality. I think your biggest issue isn't coming out, I think it's that you have a mum who thinks it's okay to dump her issues and baggage on her son and then guilt trip you for how much "like your father" you are. That's so totally beyond the pale, as I said, that I have trouble figuring out where to start. But the simple advice is: stop taking her crap.
Wow, I want to thank all of you for listening to me in my hard times. Ok, now for some answers: I call her Mum because we talk with a New-English accent. I grew up and live in Maine so I do sound a bit like a “Down Eastah’.” Being “Man of the house,” I have always had to do all of the physical work that Mum and my sister couldn’t do. I’ve done everything to the house, the acres of land, the cars, fix this, do that, basically, the backbone of the household. Two years ago Mum had a boyfriend for quite a while and he decided that he would put a new house on his land and we would all move there. So while the house was being finished he, his son, and “adopted family” (young homeless teen dieing of cancer) moved in with us. Well the house got finished and we moved in, put our land on the marked and thought that everything was hunkydorey. Well, he had a problem with me, and he said that we were in his house now, he wasn’t going to answer to me like he had to on my turf. (I didn’t do anything wrong, he just has control issues. His son is not mentally all there, [he graduated, but is slow] and the teen with cancer was mentally challenged from going through KEMO five times. Well, Mums boyfriend dictated their lives. We never really noticed how bad it was.) We only lived in the new house for a couple of days because, he just wouldn’t put up with my Manliness (I just didn’t let him rule over me). Mum has never said it, but she resents me for ruining the only relationship she has had since my father. When someone asks if she has a significant other, she tells them that she has to wait until I’m out of the house. She says this in front of me so it lets me know that I am the reason that she has no life. Oh yeah, her boyfriends son is gay, and he was harassed by everyone (Mum, my sister, his dad) behind his back. Ok, about my Mum’s relationship with Gee-Gee. When my Mum was 15 her father died, four months later her stepfather died. I go to the same school that my mother graduated from, and I have one of the same teachers that she had while going through her father’s death. Mum wasn’t able to go on to school because it would have left Gee-Gee alone, she was the last chilled. Mum was needed to keep the house up and never got to go to college because they were too poor, but really it made mum the perfect candidate for school funding because of my grandfathers military career, and death benefits. In the long run mum relates the current times to her past and doesn’t want me to “waste my life away” on my mother like she did on hers (waste is not the proper term, but the closest I could come up with). But that is how Mum and Gee-Gee formed such a strong relationship, and why they became best friends. She said that with her Mummer’ and dad gone she felt like an orphan, I told her that there is no such thing as a 40 year old orphan. It didn’t go down too well. Mum is the best guilt-tripper there is, or would it be worst guilt-tripper? She always has pity parties for herself and complains about how she works so much just to support me. But I can’t complain about my migraines because when I do all I hear is, “if you knew how bad I hurt, you wouldn’t be complaining.” I am the last of two children, my sister was the lucky one who got out early, but since I am the only one here I catch the shit of her bad day. Gee-Gee is gone, Dads gone, her boyfriend is gone (my fault), so she has no one left but me. That is why she goes nuts when I don’t talk. Thank you everyone WW
Wow sounds like you're in a tough spot. When you finally do leave and have time to gather your thoughts im sure you'll feel better. Maybe you guys really do just need separation for a while.
Ordinarily, I probably wouldn't say this, but I honestly think you need to just get the hell out of there for awhile. For the moment, I think you need to get some distance and take a few moments to collect your wits about you. I've been in situations not necessarily comparable to yours, but similar in the regards that you're basically stuck dealing with a bunch of crap that you shouldn't have to be dealing with, period, and in my experiences, it will inevitably lead to some form of meltdown, and the aftermath won't be pretty. If you can manage it, I think getting away for awhile to, in some regards, reset yourself, and then from there, you can have that big conversation when you're refreshed, instead of angry and hurt and having to deal with all of that BS. I hope things work out well for you!
