Hello wonderful people of EC! How are you today? So, I think I could use some advice from you. I'm 23 and couple months ago I understood that I'm gay. I'm already out to a good friend and I'm trying to work that number up with other friends and co-workers. I want to get out of the closet to more people so bad! If I could, I would just blow up that closet's door and be out to everybody, but what's holding me is that my family doesn't know yet and I'm always worried that they will find out somehow or someone will out me to them. I see that a lot of people come out to their families when they are like 15, 16 or 17. That's a good thing because it gives time (at least a couple years) for your family to get used to the ups and downs of having a gay kid before things start to get serious (marriage, etc.). When you're 20-something, your friends and cousins and acquaintances start getting married, buying houses, having kids, and people, especially your family, start to pressure you to do the same because, hey, you aren't getting any younger and mom wants grandchildren! I have this feeling that coming out to this late will be soul-crushing for them... Anyway, I feel it's harder to come out to family as a 20-something, but not coming out to them is making me sad and preventing me from coming out to more people and to fully enjoying my life. Have any of you been through this? Have you had to come out to your family as a 20-something? How was it? Do you have any advice or tips?
Some people come out at 50 or even 80!!!! Nothing wrong with coming out at 20.. My old teacher came out when she was 30. Your fine <3
I feel the same way as you do! I'm 23 also and have been in a long term relationship with a boy for the past eight years. But now I've come to this realization that I don't think this is what I want for my life. But this boy has been on family vacations, my whole family has met him, we've lived together, and so marriage seems like the obvious next step. I feel like coming out is going to be completely out of nowhere for them and they won't take me seriously. But I don't want to just settle down with him while I still have all these doubts about what I really want. And if I break up with him my family will definitely ask why and there's just no way around it. It seems really difficult but I hope you can find some way to be yourself with your family <3
Yeah, that's a tricky situation. I think yours is trickier than mine because there's other person involved. What I did when I decided that I needed to come out was thinking "Ok, I've been delaying this for too long! I'm 23 and if I keep postponing this, I'll be 33 and things will be much, much more complicated." So that's what I'm doing, very slowly. :icon_bigg I hope you find a way to get around your situation and be happy. We can do this! BTW, I read your story about coming out to your brother and felt really happy about it. Congrats and stay strong!
Thanks for your comment, Abi! And I think you're absolutely right! When you feel ready, you should come out, doesn't matter how old you are. But, for me, I think, coming out is a thing that time makes harder, not easier. That's why I would love to hear from your teacher and other people who came out in their 20's or 30's, you know, just to have some perspective, know what to expect and what's different from when you come out sooner in life.
I came out around 21/22--and while I wish I would have come out earlier (my parents took it unexpectedly well) I feel like it really was the easiest time to come out. You're old enough that people are already starting to relate to you as an adult which gives what you say more gravity and increases the chance that people will think you really understand what you are doing. In their twenties many people are already sort of established on their own--I was. If, G*d forbid, my family had cut me off I would have been at least materially fine and yet had not established enough of an adult life that I had things I had to dismantle. I could just sort of start off adulthood on this new footing. Your twenties, especially your early twenties, is already a time of renegotiating how you deal with family and friends and the world around you--I think it's a perfect time to throw coming out into the mix. Like I said, I really regret not coming out earlier but well, it was twenty years ago and coming out much earlier just didn't seem like a real option. For me coming out in my early twenties worked out really well...
I came out in my thirties, we come out when we are ready. Family will act you can't control that. However it goes, just be true to yourself.
Yeah it sort of really sucks to be living with all these doubts and questions and having to hide my feelings from my family. But maybe it's like a bandage and it's just sort of better to rip it off. If we all keep living our lives trying to make things easier for other people, it makes it harder on ourselves. So good luck we can definitely do it! Thank you!! He's the only one that knows but he lives by himself. I hope that each person it becomes a little easier but parents I feel like are the hardest to tell.
hey whatshisname thought i'd share my experience! i'm actually the same age as you, 23 years old, and i just came out to my family and friends about two months back. it was a great experience! being where i am, i'm exposed to much of the same issues you're going through, school and family and marriage, and i always had it in my head that my family would never accept me. but finally, once i came out to my friends and i saw how supportive they were, i made the decision to come out to my mother and she told me how proud and touched she was that i was willing to tell her more about myself. i guess what i'm saying is that as closeted men and women, we sometimes underestimate our family's ability to accept and love us for being exactly who we are. of course not all of us can be so lucky so my suggestion is to really look at your family and see them in a third person view. if they seem socially accepting of the LGBTQ community, then why not take that leap of faith? however your approach this i hope it goes well for you!
