I think I have a unique coming out situation, and would love any advice. Here's my situation: I am living with my partner of over 2 years in Minnesota with his two kids (12 yo girl and 15 yo boy). We're quite happy. We met only about 5 months before he moved with me. Indeed, even when I interviewed for my job I had not yet come out to anyone or met him. It all happened very fast for me, just as I was graduating with my PhD. We've been very happy together, but things at work get awkward. For example, occasionally people will say "well, you don't have kids" when explaining their own kids, and I have to hold my tongue about the two that live with me. Plus, I've lied on occasion, acting as if I live alone and am single and straight. These lies have been both by omission and through directly answering questions with falsities. (For example: "Do you still live by yourself?" "Yes.") I feel like when I come out, I'll also be coming out as a liar, not just as a gay man. Beyond facing prejudices, I think this is my primary concern with coming out at work. Further, the environment at work is not hostile, but it's not exactly friendly, either. It's all men during the day. We have an "open office" policy where I work, and people can choose to either come in or work from home. We already have few female employees (we're a government contractor performing research). Literally, all of our female employees only come in for meetings -- this is due to various reasons. Even with women there, the men act like there are no women in the room, and occasionally say somewhat off-color things with sexist or heteronormative assumptions associated with them. I come into the office because I enjoy working with people directly, and have a lot of projects that require it. There's also at least one orthodox Christian employee, too. I'm certain he will have issues with a gay man. He's never shown prejudices, but has projected a militant attitude about a few other things based on religious convictions. I also have a broader community to worry about to. I work in research and science, and I am part of a relatively small scientific community that operates in a variety of countries. I worry a bit about people discovering my sexuality and immediately holding religious or country-specific prejudices; I think there's simply nothing I can do about that. Finally, I want to come out, but I'm not really sure how to put this out there. Do I talk with the owner of the company in person? Do I write an email so I can put together my thoughts?
I've got a PhD in organometallic Chem specialising in the assembly of low valent Group 13 heterocyclic systems... and I'm out to everyone that I work with. I've had no issues so far, except for the rare playful jeer once in a while which everyone is bound to get when they're part of a working group. As long as you just act like your usual self, I reckon it should be fine. Your sexuality shouldn't be the only trait that defines you as a person.
My daughter is in her senior year of her Chemistry Bachelors, and I asked her this. She said "Really mom, we're Scientists, you don't think that we know it's not a choice?"
Well, normally I'd agree to this. But the OP mentioned a highly orthodox Christian in the midst of his working environment. But I think if you're comfortable about coming out to your colleagues, do so. I would like to note that I personally wouldn't do so through e-mail. I never got the whole "coming out" via e-mail spam or social media. Of course, that's just me. Edit: Also to note, people in the "broader" Science community could care less about your sexuality. They're more interested in the work you're doing. No researcher is going to judge you based on your sexuality, but based on the material you've published and your recent findings.
The question you have to ask yourself is...what is the benefit of coming out to these people? Is it worth it? Like the guy above me stated, you're a good worker, regardless of your sexuality. Can you produce quality work? Will your sexuality be a detriment? Of course not! For this, I feel like no one will really care. You're still a colleague. You have a lot of credentials and published material where people should respect you no matter what.
I'm more or less resigned that I must come out, and your responses have given me a degree of confidence. Thank you. I've already drafted an email but have not sent it. I'd prefer to come out in person, but I'm not exactly sure how to do it without having it be overly grandiose or awkward. I'm adverse to casually mentioning it, too, because it's an emotionally charged topic for me. Any advice on how to approach this sort of situation? I already have one piece of advice to not come out via an email. Indeed, the majority people I've spoken to about this have told me this.
I can't really give you advice on how to do it. In my case I was already on good terms with most of my work mates by then, so it wasn't too difficult for me. Maybe start with your boss? Or if there's someone whom you have a relatively good relationship with, maybe him/her? Or do you have a human resources department you can go to? They should have advice on how to approach the subject. As far as prejudices go, I've yet to encounter any scientist who cares about a person's sexuality. That said, I don't go around announcing my sexuality to everyone within a 5 mile radius. I have always believed that homosexuality/heterosexuality is just that-your sexuality, and nothing more.
As others have said, being in science means people don't ask much about your personal life. I also agree that coming out via email is not necessary. It's better to do face to face, preferably with someone you trust and respect.
We have two owners of the company. The one I most trust and would like to talk to first rarely comes into the office; only about once a week. When he's here, he's usually busy and leaves abruptly. Talking with him would require me to pull him aside during one of his office visits. The fear that I currently have built up in me might make the process feel awkward, at least initially. I suppose there's no way around that eventually. I drafted an email before posting to this forum. Here's an edited-for-personal-information version. Please let me know what you all think, and whether it changes your mind with respect to whether I should write an email or do this in person: Hi <owner>, My last two years with <company> have been outstanding. I've learned a great deal, worked with excellent scientists and engineers, and enjoyed the projects I've worked on. Thank you for creating such a stimulating environment. <company> has provided a great work life. I like that <company> encourages a positive work/life balance and lets these bleed into each other. Indeed, until recently, I've felt the need to keep my private and work affairs more or less apart. However, this undesirable separation has made my life more difficult and less enjoyable than I think it could be. <company>'s environment, and recent attitude changes in the country and law have prompted me to come out as a gay man to you, and soon to the rest of <company>. Just before arriving at <company>, my life got happily complicated when I began seeing a man who has two kids. They're all living here currently, and it's been difficult and saddening to feel as if we must keep our family life secret. For now, I'd appreciate some discretion. I've recently learned that it's hard to predict people's reactions with respect to this topic. It's impossible to "un-come out", and I only recently came to terms with myself in this regard. My wish and greatest hope is that this has only positive effects on my work life. Thanks, <me>
I've been with my biotech firm for about 14 months now, I am not out to anyone here. We are only 8 people: 3 women and 5 guys, the guys are all 40 and up. The CEO (the youngest one of us) has publicly stated during a group dinner that he does not at all care about orientation (this happened when he casually asked a young summer intern who had joined us whether he had a girlfriend. The CEO quickly corrected himself by saying "or boyfriend - it doesn't matter at all to me"). When he said that, our admin assistant, who's been here a while, referred to the Financial Officer's past and frequent homophobic comments (he was there with us and didn't object). I have heard a few of his remarks as well. So, despite what the CEO said, I have to work with this guy on a daily basis. I expect that if and when I am in a similar situation to you with a BF, coming out may be an option (I will no doubt discuss with the CEO privately first and get his support). I really do want them to know as it will make my life easier, but until then, my decision is that it is nobody's business but my own.
From the looks of it, you're determined to come out to your boss via e-mail anyway. And seeing as this seems to be eating you up as a person, and probably affecting your work performance (as well as your interaction with various members of your company), I would send that e-mail I guess. I would still advise maybe sending an e-mail about coordinating a meeting with your boss first (the one who you are on better terms with), and then telling him in face to face. It shows a certain degree of trust and respect that way, especially when it comes to such a sensitive and potentially life changing matter. If I suddenly got such an e-mail from my employee, I would either disregard it, or organize a meeting to chat about it anyway. But again, that's just me.
Are you somewhere that you can lose your job over it is my first question? If not than come out to your boss and coworkers you have a better relation with then let word of mouth spread it to the rest would be my advice.
There is no way you'll lose your job over it. ESPECIALLY if you're working as part of a scientific community. But otherwise, I'd suggest doing what Wolf of Fire says and letting someone you're comfortable with knowing first.
Right. There's no way I will lose my job. I'm unconcerned with that. Also, it's not the case that I'm determined to use email to come out. I had written the email message and saved it prior to asking this forum. I only wanted to know whether that particular email may have changed anyone's mind. Last Friday, the owner I planned to talk to came into the office. But again, he left before I could catch him, which is often the case. It's also illustrative of why I thought of using email to come out may be a good idea. Instead, I think I may just email him for an in-person meeting. Awkward as it may be, it's likely the best way to handle this. Thank you all for your help.
I can't say much besides,"good luck". With that I hope it goes good because every "out" person there is in science will help before I go into my studies for something in the physics side of the science spectrum. I applaud your courage but am hesitant about coming out via email(but that is just me I like face to face conversation anyways... It's quicker and more direct)
