I've been sort of planning in my mind how to come out to the rest of my friends. I know I want to tell two more of them individually. One I expect will be awkward but cool with it, the other I'm a little more uncertain about. After those two, I have three more friends who I don't really hang out with outside of a group, so I need to find a way to tell the group of them. Me being an extreme introvert, the idea is pretty terrifying. Additionally, one of these three, while a good friend, is someone who I expect will dispense this information to pretty much anyone she comes across. She's very social and storyteller and we're always hearing about hers or others' exploits and I'm sure that a friend coming out at 31 will be enough to make it into her repertoire for awhile. I've been feeling that once I come out to my close friends I don't mind too much who else knows (outside of my family, who I am not ready to come out to, and will have to continue to hide this from for awhile until I feel more at ease with things, so I can better handle it if they react negatively). However, I'm not sure if I will be ok with the *speed* with which I'm sure this news will travel thanks to aforementioned friend. The other worry is that acquaintances who come by this knowledge through her or someone else might unintentionally out me on Facebook to family members (I have at least 12 immediate and extended family members on FB). I've been trying to figure out privacy settings to exclude certain groups of people but I'm not totally confident I've got it right or that it'll be reliable. It would be easiest to just let my friend and whoever else spread the news for me, so I don't have to do the sit down talk or subtle hint thing with everyone I vaguely know. But I'm also not sure how much control I should relinquish at this fairly early stage. It'll probably still be awhile before I come out to my entire group of friends, I'm trying to go at a comfortable pace and have a few more individual "coming outs" to get to before I get to the group. But does anyone have advice for this type of situation?
First of all, why would they spread the news like that? I'm sure that you could just tell them that you'd love it if they didn't actually do that and they kept it as a secret between you and them. I remember coming out to one of my best friends a few years ago (because he was going to Greece the next day to visit family and I couldn't wait any longer). Anyway, he and I met for lunch, and I had come out to him via text message the night before. He and I managed to just sit in his car and have a long discussion about what happened. I can imagine that it was a lot for him to process. He said that he wouldn't care if I were gay, I'd still be one of his best friends, etc. etc. and that he wouldn't tell anyone (because I requested him to). If they really value your friendship, then they probably won't spread anything unless you say that it's okay for them to. Don't you think that they know that if they told anyone else, the person that they told will run back to you and ask you? Guess what? You've discovered that they broke a promise with you, broke your trust, and that can be grounds for a serious falling out and possibly termination of a friendship. That having been said, if you're okay with having them spread the news for you, that's fine. But if you want to keep it just between you and the friend, then they have to understand that and meet your requirements and demands, otherwise they wouldn't be considered a really good friend, in my honest opinion.
I guess first I should say that this friend, M, while a fun and interesting person and possessing many other positive qualities, is lacking in a lot of social graces. She's got little tact and she seems to operate without any kind of filter in regards to what comes out of her mouth. Sometimes trying to explain social things to her delicately can be like talking to a brick wall. If I told her outright that I don't want anyone else to know she would hopefully respect that. I guess the problem is that (at least right now, maybe I'll be more sure as the time gets closer) I'm not sure if I want that information released to everyone or not. I guess I'm wondering if there is some kind of middle ground, where I could sort of let the information "trickle out" naturally vs. either everyone being told fairly quickly or no one knowing at all. I don't necessarily want my sexuality to be a secret, I just don't want to broadcast it in flashing lights, either.
