Hello, lovelies. I was just browsing EC earlier like I usually did and I don't know what happened for sure, but I suddenly realized that I have no idea if I will ever be able to come out to my parents. I'm going to try and put things into perspective a bit, I'm feeling pretty torn, my parents are not bad people at all, specially my mother, whom I dearly love like I love no one else in my life, and she shares my feelings entierly. I am an only child, she gave birth to me when she was 25 and after having been struck down by a car a few years prior and then go through a complicated, high risk brain surgery, the doctors strongly advised her not to try and have children because she would greatly endanger her life. And regardless of all the obstacles and the difficulties, she still chose to go out on a limb and have me because, as she always reminds me, she just wanted to give birth to me so extremly much. What I could tell you about my mother is that even tough she may be considered sometimes as a bit too overprotective and obsessed with my well-being, for my introvert self, she is the perfect mother and I could never ask for more. She constantly showers me with love and affection, after being recultant at first about me choosing to become a vegetarian a few years ago, she now fully supports me, she supports me completely in almost everything that I do and I can't, I just can't stand the tought of dissapointing her... I love her too damn much to do it. She doesn't think gay people should not be given rights or that they are nasty freaks or something, but she told me a few months that she tought lesbians to be "disgusting" ("Ewww, two women licking each other, touching each other, gross, disgusting") a few months ago and when I tried to bring up the subject again recently and I told her that if I was secretly gay her words would hurt me deeply she reacted like: Her: What, wait, don't tell you're a lesbian! Me: I'm not saying I am lesbian, but your attitude would hurt me a lot if I actually was one in secret. Her: Okay then. Right now she's cooking me my meal, she always cooks for me, she loves it, trying on new veggie recipes, she doesn't mind my smoking, she forgives every single one of my mistakes, she doesn't do household chores for me if I forget or put it on hold/not feel like it, she listens to me and tries to understand my reasoning and ideas, she encourages me a lot to pursue my dreams, when I was going through depression she was suffering right next to me, trying to help to overcome it, she doesn't mind when I take in foster animals, she is so kind, she would take a bullet for me. I mean, how could I ever tell her?! I would destroy the most important relationship of my life if I did that:icon_sad:. And when I dream of marrying the woman of my dreams and finding romance and then I remember what I would have to through with all this situation it makes my heart feel stuck in my throat. Oh, and about my father it's pretty simple, he personally told me that he doesn't think gay people are evil or that they should be given no rights, but he expresses the same "disgusted" attitude, and recently, working abroad, he had a gay man intensly hitting on him while he expressed he wasn't interested, so I am predicting he will come home as even more of a homophobe. I don't think it's entierly their fault, I live in Eastern Europe in a highly religious, quite conservative country about things such as this and altough progress does happen, it's a very slow process, and they were raised and lived their entier lives holding these principles and ideals. I am sorry if the post is too long, this pretty much my situation and right know I have absolutely not one idea what I could do... Thank for reading.
I'm sorry that you have to live in such conditions (your English is perfect by the way ), I think I have a suggestion. Does anyone else know of your predicament? Do they know that you're gay? I suggest that you go talk to your closest friend. Think of that one person in this world that has your back no matter what and with whom you can confide anything. The reason why I am suggesting this is because you can use that individual as someone on your side. Someone that will champion for the same rights and beliefs that you have. They will have all of your best interests at heart. If the worst shall happen, which may not happen but let's say it does, and they kick you out of their house. Then you can go stay with your friend or whomever supports you. You have that safety net. Also, you're their daughter. They should love you unconditionally and I think that the relationship between them and you is something that would outweigh your sexual orientation and you coming out. About your parents thinking that lesbianism is disgusting, let's flip this situation around. Why is a guy and a girl kissing not considered disgusting and such? See how there's a stupid double standard that they have set in place? Tell them that if they don't like it, then they don't have to watch nor are they obligated to watch, just like you're not obligated to watch your parents making out or having sex. It works both ways, unless you're a hypocrite. I wish you the best of luck with all of this, give us updates if anything else happens and I hope that any information that I've stated thus far has helped you in any way or form .
I want to thank for your wonderful response along with your compliment on my english:icon_bigg and for trying to advise me, I aprecciate it very much and I will definetely at least try and use it. My best friend, she is, umm, well, she is also bisexual, and she tells me that both her parents know and are fine with it, tough she doubts they would be too charmed if she told them she wishes to marry another woman, but at least they know the truth. I've told her about me and she is on my side. I don't fear being kicked out of the house (which I doubt it could happen, but I don't rule it out entierly) as much as I fear damaging my relationship with my parents, specially with my mother. Her love and support are huge factors in my life. I completely agree with you on the viewing lesbians as disgusting thing, I just hope they are not too inclined in being hypocrites without realizing it or even realizing they are and not caring about it. I will try and keep updates. Thank you for taking the time and helping!(*hug*)
You're welcome . Just remember that their love for you and the fact that you're their daughter should outweigh their "disgust" of you being a lesbian. Otherwise, I'd move out myself.
Ok... I can tell you my experience, its your responsibility and risk what you make of it... I heard that too, that disgusting stuff. It was related to a bad experience... Maybe she could be asked what her experiences were... and talked about it... putting emphasis on that its two people loving each other... its a preference you did not choose, and women are beautiful and lovable... (men too, of course. this is for her to understand) you can have children nonetheless... Concerning your dad, he could be told that he has a liking of women, too... and that you both prefer people who do not hit on each other but are gentle and caring... such people exist... Is there a lgbt center where you could ask a counselor about this ? Giving an opinion from your country's view... of course its your decision what to make of it...
Hmm, you do really bring up an interesting perspective, I have never pondered if her disgust could be an indicator of a deeper issue or a bad experience. But I seriously don't know if I could gather the courage to ask her about it, my mother has been quite the prude with me in the past, she started opening up more lately, but the waters are still unsteady. Maybe I could try and introduce it in a conversation as something that happened to someone else and observe her reactions and toughts. My father is more of a typical "dude" in regards to lesbians, he thinks it's hot and everything :dry: (altough I know he wouldn't be happy at all if I told him I wish to marry woman), but it's more male gay interaction that he told me he abhors, specially now after his unpleasant experience. Unfortunately, there are no lgbt centers where I live, the lgbt community works pretty much "underground" here, so to speak, because of the rampant homphobia in my country, so there is no such thing as an lgbt center :icon_sad:. Thank you for your toughtful response!
Its part of an upbringing... the view should be changed, in my opinion... its natural behaviour to love each other, if real love is involved... of course with moral limitations like minors, for example... or compulsive behaviour, often extremes are unhealthy... a mature standpoint is called for there, involving real love... but the view should be changed from something "sinful" to something more joyful and natural...
^ this is awesome advice! So clever. Also by having a friend there, your parents are less likely to say anything in response that seems out of line. And having a friend who has your back means they can chip in and retaliate if the need for it arises! I really believe that sometimes people maintain strong views about certain things, until that issue affects them or those they love personally. My dad used to make jokes about gay people all the time, and he told me when he was younger "they can go ahead and be gay, but the problem with them is the fact they spend so much time ranting about rights and discrimination and flaunting how bad they have it, its getting pathetic" My dad was brought up in a strict christian family who's views on homosexuality were always "abomination/sin/disgusting/unnatural". And although my dad is not very religious now, im not convinced he is at all tbh - when he was finally told by my mum that i was gay and in love - he welcomed my gf into their house and was lovely. My dad doesn't mention "girlfriends" or the fact I'm lesbian in a direct way as i think he is just getting his head around it because of the views he was used to being told growing up. He doesn't treat me any different than before and for me that's enough - that he accepts it and tolerates it and treats my gfs the way he would any friend he meets (despite knowing I'm in a relationship with them). In my opinion your mum sounds like the perfect mother in every way. Although Iv spoke about my dad, I grew up in care and my relationship with him, but especially my mother, is complicated. If I had the supportive and caring family you seem to have been blessed with - then I would thank the stars every night for such a gift. Appreciate what you have around you. And if my dad, who i'm not anywhere near as close to as you say u are to your family, can at least accept or tolerate it - I truly believe it wont be as bad as you think. And they are your parents. Parents who love you. It will be impossible to hide this from them chicapea. When your with a girl and it gets serious, when you find the one and get married, they will have to find out. And you can't sacrifice those beautiful moments and stages in life that you deserve. Do take time though cub. As much as you need until you're ready. And when you finally are and come out to them, remember to tell them that you know its not a choice because if it was a choice you wouldn't in hell want to be standing there risking and afraid of rejection and disappointment, from your mum and dad. Who you love and need.
Thank you for your warm words . The people that usually say that lesbianism/being gay is "disgusting" don't have to face that in their daily lives. Note how people like this live in small, tight knit communities, places that are shielded away from such "outlandish concepts" such as *gasp* a same sex couple. Now, if a gay person were introduced into their life, their daughter/son...now what? Are you going to be an asshat and throw them out of the house? :dry:
Your Mother seems like an amazing and wonderful woman, but just doesn't understand enough about Lesbianism, which is completely fine. Being gay was something you were supposed to be ashamed of in the 90's. Anyway, I suggest you wait some time, it's hard to come out to anyone, it was hard for me to even come out to my therapist who had lesbian and gay teachers. Tell your Mother that being gay is in no way a choice, and that you wouldn't make a 'choice' that could make you lose your relationship with one of the people you love the most, your Mother. Come out when you feel strong and ready. Good luck, OP . "Only love those who deserve it." - Anton Szandor LaVey.
Your mother (and father) may not be as disapproving as you imagine. When it is someone close in the family the stakes are higher and you may be surprised that she supports you whatever you say. I would not rush things though … until you feel strong enough and feel the time is right. xx
