I will be coming out to my old Mormon friend.

An old friend of mine I had from when I identified as straight, is wanting to come back into my life again, this time only in friendship. A note of explanation: yes, she's a Mormon, but we have so much in common in terms of shared interests, it's uncanny. We even have a similar sense of humour, and sometimes I rue the fact that she's so darned indoctrinated by her faith, that it limits her ability to be with someone who, if she could have been more open minded, could actually have made her quite happy (back then, I was willing to give quite a lot, to be with her, all except one thing: I would not change my own spiritual path. This disappointed her, but I think she actually respects me for it, deep down. Other guys have generally been willing to 'convert' just to be with her, in the past). She has even agreed that neither of us will talk about our religious faiths with each other, or even use religious language. (I insisted on this, because although I was very accepting of her faith as being right for her, back when we had our romantic dalliance, she found herself incapable of extending the same kind of acceptance and religious tolerance towards mine (I'm kind of a Buddhist / Taoist / Personal Spirituality hybrid.) I can see how she has actually changed a little, she seems just a bit more open minded in general, actually.

The trouble for me is, when she saw the studs in my ears yesterday (she finally came to collect some heavy pot plants she had left here ages ago, when she stayed for a while), she commented on how nice they were, but that she was relieved I didn't have just one in my right ear, because that would be 'a bit weird'. I said calmly, "why? I don't think it would be a problem at all". But I know what she was getting at with this, and although she, wanting not to make waves between us, got a bit sort of apologetic in tone, and quickly changed the subject, I sensed that aversion in her (to have a piercing in the right ear only, used to be seen as 'code' for a guy being gay, in my country).

While I appreciate her wanting to be just friends this time, and what's more agreeing not to try to push her own religion onto me (nor even keep slipping religious language into even everyday conversations), I don't feel comfortable hanging out with her for too long, without disclosing to her that I'm actually a bisexual man (Pan is too much to explain, I will keep it simple for her). I have this feeling in my heart, and it came up yesterday, that I don't just stand with the lgbt community, I am a part of it, and although she and I do indeed get along exceedingly well personally, that if she is homophobic, it's going to be a problem for me. Last year, it was enough for me, when she expressed her distaste of homosexuality, for me to say "well I actually have a lot of empathy for gay and lesbian folk. Many of them are that way from a young age, and I don't think they are 'choosing' it, I think it's just the way they are. I don't understand it either, but I have empathy for them". That was enough for her to drop the subject back then. After all, both of us were quite attracted to each other, and were kind of trying not to make waves that would divide us too much. But now, it doesn't feel like 'enough' for me, for me to not tell her about my own sexuality. If she has a problem with the lgbt community, then she has a problem with me, too. I feel in my heart this kinship with you all, I have read of so much of the distress and struggles you have gone through, and I feel quite different now, to how I did last year. What's more, your struggle has been my struggle; I know how you feel from the inside, now. I won't be able to remain silent about this for long. I will have to tell her.

I don't mind being friends with someone who simply does not understand; that I can live with. But if she has real aversion to us, well she is going to find out relatively soon that, that translates to an aversion to me, too. A person can't help their sexual orientation, but even if they were 'choosing' it, even then I can't see anything wrong with it at all, since it does no harm to anyone. So despite my current loneliness, and my appreciation of her offer of a much more amiable friendship than last time, there is going to come a time, when I feel ready, to tell her how I really feel about the lgbt community - that I stand with them, not merely out of 'sympathy", but because I am a part of that community. I am a bisexual man, and to say that my sexuality is 'ok', as if to defensively justify it, is even not enough. It's not merely 'ok', it's damn awesome.

 

Thank you for your support in this, and for the hug. Yes I feel this inside me also. Its as though, keeping it hidden, is going to hurt more than disclosing it and possibly getting rejected. 'Between a rock and a hard place', refers to when either option is difficult; I'm choosing the less distressful option out of the two, that's how I now feel. I'm bi, I like guys as well as girls, in fact today I've already thought about three guys I've either met or spoken with in real life, and it's still only mid-morning

 

It would certainly be my preference that she is ok with it. Not just because we get along so well, but also because I see so much potential in her to live a fuller and richer life, if she could just loosen a little, what is really a self-perpetuated 'strait jacket' she seems to bind her soul in. She tends to take her faith to extremes sometimes, however to her credit, she even admits to me that this can be a problem for her. She had a very difficult childhood and adult life, and I can actually see how and why she ended up seeking refuge in the faith that her father instilled into her - her father, despite being a control freak, is very important to her, and to be honest my gut feeling is that one day, when he has moved on and she has had time to process the grief that will come with this, that she might even break free at some stage. In any case though, as I said, I'm still happy to be her friend with her holding her faith strongly, so long as she's not condemning of my sexuality, because it's part of who I am! I guess I'm going to find out rather soon. And, thank you for that encouragement.