coming out to parents - sorry its so long

I have a lot going through my head right now. I figured out that I’m asexual around 8 years ago and over that time I’ve become more and more comfortable with that. I’m not really out, my college roommates and therapist are the only people I have talked about it with. I know that my parents are curious. A couple years go now my mom asked me right out in the car (after finding out one of my closest friends is trans*) what I was. I said I was a, not attracted to either gender. She said some things about not wanting me to be lonely and wanting me to be happy. It seemed pretty dismissive. I don’t want to be lonely either, but that doesn’t determine my sexual or romantic attraction or lack there of. We haven’t talked about it since and I don’t know if she talked to my dad or not. I know my parents are LGBT friendly. We have family friends who are gay and they haven’t said anything to make me think they are weirded out by my friend’s transition. except maybe for the speed of it. What I haven’t told them is that I am also nongender. I hate certain aspects of my anatomy and have ever since puberty. The most obnoxious are my breasts, which I have been binding since I first had a job in college and therefore the money to buy one. I’m tired of binding. It is really hot in the summer, I hate the fabrics they are made out of, and they are simply uncomfortable. After a few years of going back and forth I really want to have top surgery to have them removed. This week was the first time I told my therapist that - before it was always that I think I want to someday maybe but I’m scared. If I had the money right now I would do it.

While I don’t talk about any of this openly I don’t really hide it. I’ve never had a boyfriend to try to be strait or even talked about having a crush of anyone because I haven’t. I think I give confused looks if people talk about it with me. One of my classmates last year asked me is someone was hot and I just said that I was the wrong person to ask. She gave me a weird look and asked if I was human. I guess I don’t see how my parents haven’t figured it out. Especially since I told my mom. Genderwise is the same. I have a boys haircut and have been wearing more guys clothing slowly for years. I haven’t told then that I bind my breasts, but they know something is up and that I am not wearing a normal bra. My dad even told me something about wanting me to except my body at one point.

Through all of this I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. It started long before I realized everyone else was obsessed with boys and that I was different in that way. I never really fit in in elementary school and was teased a lot. I am doing a lot better than I was but I still have good days and bad days. And after years and years of not mentioning it to my parents I finally told them about it about 2 years ago. I had a scary experience where I ended up in the ER and while nothing was actually wrong with me (a medication change caused withdrawal symptoms) I really wanted to call my parents that night. As it was, I hadn’t taken my cell phone to work and I didn’t have anyone else I could call either. I was scared and alone and wanted a hug. It is good in a lot of ways, but I only talked about my depression and not my OCD. oops. But now they ask about it all the time. I don’t want to talk about what I do with my therapist because that’s private. The important stuff will get to them eventually when I’m ready. But their asking makes me want to tell them less and less because they ask about it at the weirdest times and don’t take hints that I don’t want to talk about it. And I know my mom told people like my aunt and some of the people she works with without asking me. I wouldn’t care about her coworkers except that I know a lot of them because I’ve done volunteer work at that organization and some of them are in my field. It’s a small field and even if they probably won’t think of me that differently for having depression I don’t want that to part of my professional relationships. I think that’s reasonable… So that really makes me want to explain my ocd or gender identity to them.

The thing is I’m serious about having top surgery at some point. I don’t live nearby right now, but I always come up against reasons why I would it need to talk to my mom before having surgery. I hate lying about what I’m doing so that would be pretty awkward. But the biggest reason is that she’s had surgeries in the past and I know she is sensitive to some of the drugs they give and I feel like I should know this before undergoing any surgery. And the fact is I don’t want to hide it from my parents. I want it to be known and not a big deal. But I know my mom will want to know all sorts or things and need to talk about it over and over to understand it and I just never seem to have the answers she is looking for. I want there to be a brief discussion ) or I guess I should say I know that there will need to be a discussion) and then to move forward. I’m also afraid I’m going to have to explain to her what agender is (and probably asexuality again too) and I don’t have words to explain the way I feel. It has taken me a long time to get here and I don’t really think in words. It is more feelings, sometimes with a sort of gibberish along side it. I don’t know how it is different than how she feels because I don’t understand what she feels. Her experience is as foreign to me as mine is to her.

So at this point I’ve been spending the last 2 days online reading about stuff and generally being depressed. I’ve read posts on here from people who are far worse off than I am whose parents basically disowned them for who they are or were violent. And I feel stupid for having the trouble I have. My parents are extremely supportive and love me a lot and that makes me feel even worse for being afraid to talk to them and hiding myself from them. It’s nothing new though. I decided I wasn’t going to watch movies anymore when I was like 3 and wouldn’t say why. Was I afraid then too? and why?

I guess this is mostly venting. If any one has any advice I’d love to hear it. I don’t know what to do next. what to think. I just want things to make sense and my body and brain to match, but it isn't simple.