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Still Scared...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Scottygirl31, Aug 20, 2014.

  1. Scottygirl31

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    Hi,

    I am 31 years old and have finally woken up to the fact that I am not that into men at all and very much into women. I have 2 main issues though, and one of those is coming out.

    I had a rather nasty "outing" experience back when I was a kid in high school where by I was outed by someone else (to this day I still don't know who) and I faced some pretty horrible homophobia at a time when I wasn't even thinking about boys, girls or sexuality. I can pretty much say it ruined my life, but I am trying to fix that now and this is part of that process...

    I spent my subsequent years not discovering myself, and denying myself... kind of knowing that yes I was gay but damned if I'm gonna let all those people think those rumours were true sort of thing... I dated one guy for 2 weeks when I was 18. I did sleep with him, I didn't like it and then spent from then until June this year feeling miserable, hating myself and thinking I was going to be alone forever and that I was far too ugly to get a man, or I've not met the right man yet... and even though I was desperately lonely, on the rare occasion that a guy would be interested in me, I would tell him I was seeing someone or I wasn't looking ... which was the truth because I wasn't looking for a guy! Since I left university I've been a virtual recluse going only to work nights with people who are all hetero and in relationships.

    Then I decided I needed some help and started going to counselling. I have accepted now that I haven't met the right man yet because I am not looking for one. I am attracted to women and I always have been and denied it.

    And now I need to tell people so that I can finally be myself. And I'm finding it all rather difficult. I have told one friend and it was great because she didn't care - and I mean that in a good way - it did not (as I believe it should not) matter to her that I found women attractive.

    But I am having difficulty finding ways to tell my family. I am very frightened to the point that thinking about it makes me feel physically sick.

    My mother is Roman Catholic and has her own opinions about homosexuality, however she is in no way a bigot and does not hate gay people. The way she puts it is that she might not agree with how other people live their lives, but it's none of her business. But I think she will be disappointed in me when I tell her how I feel and I don't know if I could handle that disappointment as I still live with her.

    One of my sisters on the other hand is so overtly homophobic that I regularly argue with her about her opinions.

    The others I don't think would hate me so much... but then I don't know... we are a generally accepting family and I don't understand why I am finding this so hard to tell them.

    I'm afraid they'll want to talk about it and its not something I want to talk about with them. I kinda just want to say "I'm gay, deal with it" - I understand they might not take it the way I want them to take it and I feel a bit selfish for wanting it to be that way.

    Sorry for the ramble, I'm quite anxious about the whole thing and can't make much sense of anything at the moment.
     
  2. Candace

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    Don't worry about it. Remember that God loves us in his image, regardless of anything. If your family is homophobic and unaccepting (clearly a stone's cry from 'love thy neighbor'), then that's their problem, not yours. Don't make it your problem and worry about something that you can't change. Rather, worry about what you can change. Love yourself first :slight_smile:.
     
  3. Scottygirl31

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    Thank you, I know I shouldn't worry about it but unfortunately I do, and more often than not these days it is all I think about. My mother is the only religious member of our family and even then she's not a bigot at all. She's in her 70s and whilst it's not really an excuse, I actually think she's probably one of the more accepting folk of her generation. I tried testing the water earlier today after posting this... Mum was reading an article about a transgender woman who'd had lots of surgery to have a backside like Kim Kardashian and whilst the article was centred around the surgery and not the gender identity of the lady in question, I asked my mum what she would think if I brought someone home who was transgendered. Her reply was oddly encouraging (to me at least) - she said if I loved them then she would just have to put up with it ... I know that might sound not that encouraging, but she could have said a lot worse I think... So maybe she would be able to accept (or put up with) the fact that I am a lesbian... Who knows.
     
  4. Really

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    I think you should be encouraged by her reaction. She sounds like she would be fine. My mom's older like yours and is quite cool with anything homosexuality-related. She actually "plays" 'gay or not gay?' for people on tv. It's a bit of a running joke here. At one point she turned in my direction while playing this and I asked if she was talking to me or the dog. She said, "the dog because he's been fixed" but I told her she can call me gay if she wants and there was no untoward reaction. Actually, there wasn't any. ...And now, back to your regularly scheduled program... So there's that.
    I think if you're itching to come out, if you're inclined, you could write out the pros and cons for each person you're thinking of telling and see if it settles your nerves a bit and maybe even use it while talking each of them - your mom, at least. (Just out of interest, why is your sister homophobic if your mom isn't?) You could ask your mom to have a look at your list of pros and cons, explaining you want to tell her something but you're worried about her reaction as per the list. Ask if she thinks you could tell her this rather, possibly, startling but non-life-threatening thing. Or words to that effect.
     
    #4 Really, Aug 20, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2014
  5. Ada M7

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    Oh... She sounds like she would take it very well I would think. That's immensely positive.
     
  6. Damien

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    Hi ScottyGirl,

    well I can relate to 'denying it to oneself', as that's just what I did, for so many years - I'm now 45, and only this year have I finally faced up to, accepted, and finally embraced my bisexuality (although at present I feel quite gay hehe but who knows with me, I can change like the weather it seems :dry:slight_smile:. As for coming out, well I've got very limited experience, but I notice that some folks here, choose who to come out to, step by step, with care. You could come out first, as you already have, to friends or even extended family members who you know will be more accepting, and save your immediate family for last, maybe. Just an idea. Whatever you do, I hope you can stay in touch here at ec, as I've found it very helpful indeed on this challenging journey of accepting my sexuality, and even learning to love it...this site rocks, and it's good to have you here. :smilewave (By the way, although I have not been there, I have a liking for Scotland and much Scottish folk music...and when a marching band of bagpipes and drums goes past, it actually does something to me, I can feel it vibrate right into me!)
    Damien :slight_smile:
     
  7. Scottygirl31

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    First off, thanks to everyone for the replies... I'm glad that I can talk to someone about this... Sometimes I feel like I'm acting like a teenager just cos I've been a bit late in accepting myself. To answer your question about my sister Really, she is a bit of an oddity... That sounds mean, I love her deeply but she has made a lot of poor choices in her own life and projects that as being everyone else's fault. She hates more or less everything that appears to be remotely different from her own norm and is particularly vicious about lesbians more than gay men, dunno if she feels threatened or what, but I don't think she means a lot of what she says most of the time and is just saying it for a reaction if that makes sense. The rest of us are generally accepting of all people no matter their background, religious affiliation or orientation. I think they probably know that I'm gay ... I mean I've not had any relationship with anyone since I was 18 and I've been on dates set up by my sister with men who were interested in me only to turn them down after one date with really stupid reasons like I can't date you cos you like Star Wars etc... It doesn't seem to make it any easier to tell them, partly because they've asked me before and I've denied it so vehemently. What happened to me at school really messed me up in the head, I think mostly because of the age it happened, your kind of socially impressionable in your very early teens I think. I certainly have major trust issues that I'm currently working through but I suppose that's another thread and possibly another forum lol. God that's a long answer .... Lol!