A simple question: How does one 'come out' to themself?

For me, it was a long period of confusion, but eventually I laid out all the facts - I am attracted to both sexes, I would like to one day pursue relationships with both sexes, I could not "choose one". I am bisexual. That is what that is, and that is what I am.

 

It seems like, to give a fast answer off the top of my head, that you have to 'embrace' a concept to fully believe it without contradiction. Some do this easily. Others have to have a period of intense struggle confusion or doubt. The harder the concept, the larger the built-up resistance of the ego, the more difficult to fully embrace.

The one clear memory of a difficult truth to embrace wasn't sexuality but suicidal desire. Personally I decided that I would either accept that I do or don't want to die and no more equivocation. That was a really terrible night but I felt better than I had ever felt for weeks afterwards. In the aftermath of that, almost incidentally, I realized and accepted a number of things about myself including my sexuality. Not the trans part, I am still slightly struggling with that.

 

I think my acceptance period lasted a lot longer than it may have appeared on the outside.
I found that just not thinking about it, only acknowledging it when your attractions appear and getting on with your life worked for me.

 

It's different for different people.

For me, I had to accept myself first. I set aside my inner turmoil and focused on raising my self-esteem and confidence - not only for my sexuality, but for me, just as a person.

Once I began to love myself more, I slowly exposed myself to my sexuality again. I found I was less frustrated and stressed, and therefore, I finally accepted it as who I am.

I will never be satisfied with who I am. But I appreciate who I am. If that makes sense.

 

For me i discovered at a young age that i was only interested in boys, so there wasn't really a period where i was going through what you describe.

All i can suggest is that you think about what has made you question your sexuality. Be honest with yourself and you may find that you'll get the answers you are after. If you find that you want to experiment, go for it. There's no shame in trying something out if you decide you don't like it afterwards. Over time you'll be able to build a better picture of what your sexuality is. Unfortunately it's not a quick fix.

 

I think I would say coming out to myself was more like acknowledging that I was gay rather than accepting. The acceptance of it took much longer, and it seemed to occur in stages. I would think I had completely accepted, but then there would be days where I felt uncomfortable. Now, I completely accept and am ready for a relationship and everything that may come with that. Before I was able to completely accept, I would not have been ready despite wanting a relationship. The transition to accepting yourself is difficult to define because it's a very individual process. It's something that takes time.

 

I agree with this. For me it took months to set the stage mentally, and to be aware of what I wanted, and a second to acknowledge I was nonstraight... and then years to accept. I consider the awareness my "coming out" to myself; and it felt so right and so natural. I never even entertained the notion before because I felt like it was wrong, but then something clicked and being non-straight, which was simultaneously my worst fear and the answer to all my questions, was realized through one simple interaction. And the only way I can describe it is that it felt really right. And then the doubts were created by my overanalytical brain. But initially it was a feeling of relief.

 

You've probably heard this before, but it's a journey. Took me four months, and I'm still getting used to it.

I sometimes have to ask myself this question, and I will now pose it to you: what harm is done, to anyone whatsoever, by two guys having sexual intimacy? You know the answer, yes? None. Zilch. Zero. No harm whatsoever. There are folks who wage war for sport, commit acts of violence, I mean there are lots of things in this world that create harm...but having gay sex ain't one of them. (So long as you practice safe sex, of course, but that goes for straight folks as well.)

 

Every single day I have to overcome a hesitation I built into myself before I let myself do things that I wouldn't before, purely because of the image I was trying to project and maintain. Those things are as tiny as the positioning of the head, how I walk or put a hand on my hip, or the way my face is composed. Change can take time even if you want to change. What a ridiculous waste of mental energy, making myself even more tense and anxious than I needed to be.

 

It's funny, I see a lot of people talking about concepts like coming out to yourself, knowing when you're ready to come out to others, and so on. I think these are things that really end up having to be experienced to fully understand them, which can make them difficult to explain.

I think coming out to yourself is that moment when you finally acknowledge "yes, I'm gay" or "yes, I'm bisexual" or whatever it is you identify yourself as. There may be lingering doubts, and there may be a lot of unpleasant feelings to work through, but it's the first step toward acceptance. Speaking in a literal sense, it's almost as though you sat down with yourself and had a coming out conversation like you would do with a friend or family member. At least, that is how I explain it to myself to help myself grasp the concept a bit better.

 

For me, it was the moment where I accepted that: "Being gay just makes my life make sense!"

Beforehand, I'd wondered why I never really felt head-over-heels for a girl. Or why dates with them never went anywhere. And why I always set out to think only wholesome straight thoughts, but ended up getting off to gay porn, resolving that this was the really final time I'd do so and feeling dirty for days afterwards.

And I'd concocted all of these theories about how it was just a phase and how I was just exploring myself, and being male I did so by watching other males. And that the right girl hadn't yet come into my life. And that apart from being attracted to guys I wasn't like "those gay guys" at all.

Coming out to myself was just the moment I said to myself: "dude, you're 25 and this has been going on for years. If it was a phase or a minor quirk or a red herring, you'd know by now. Just accept that you're gay and this all makes sense!"



That doesn't mean I was OK with it. I still resolved myself to living a celibatary life and never act upon it.
After all of those years, the fight against being gay had become such a part of me that abandoning it felt like I'd lose everything I knew. That to give up the fight would be admitting failure, which I thought of as a fate worse than death. Certainly I couldn't just throw 15 years of struggle on the trash!


It was only after coming out to some people who were (and still are) close to me that I ended up giving up the fight. They didn't seem to mind it at all, and were even happy for me. And over time, I noticed "hey, I'm around people who know, doing the same things I always did, and nothing changed!". If it came up in conversation, it wasn't treated as this big dirty secret that I'd convinced myself it was. And over time, I stopped seeing it as such myself.

So long story short: it took time. Years, even. But by now I don't look at it as wasted time. Just one more exprience that gives me a perspective of my own on things.

 

Took me 8 phases, lots of confusion and frustration, many crushes and about 4 years to just accept it.

I knew I was different when I was really young but I didn't understand how, I never fitted in and I had an unusual closeness with my female friends. I didn't fully understand my sexuality in till my freshman year of high school. I thought to myself "ok I like women, its wrong and don't ever think or do anything about this ever." Then years of struggling I finally came to turns and said "ok Im bi-sexual, so I can accept I like women, but I will never marry one or anything of the sorts but I can admire them" then college "F** it, Im a lesbian cant change it, cant hide it, it is what it is- get over it."

I could seriously write a novel on this process.. it was long agonizing and frustrating. life. lol

 

Say "I'm gay" to yourself every morning and every evening in the mirror. Keep saying it until it sounds more like a basic fact (like "I'm six feet tall") than a confession.

Lex

 

It's different for everyone. In my case, the fact that I've never really wanted a girlfriend, much less have sex with girls was a huge trigger, especially when so many beautiful college girls were behind me... and of course the obvious boners I've had not only fantasizing with guys, but when I guy flirted with me, even if it was jokingly.

At 20 I finally admitted being bisexual, but I was indeed gay. It took me two years to finally admit it and accept myself because quite frankly, I wasn't that happy.

 

You just described my entire life in every detail, except I'm 41 and recently started therapy to learn to accept it. If I wrote my life story it would be exactly as you just described yours. Thanks for sharing, this is exactly why I joined this forum.

 

when i found out, I kinda rejected myself for a few months, but soon I accepted and started liking it? Now I don't feel like going back even if I wanted to.

 

We with me, it was a bit different. I'm autistic and I wasn't (and still not) 100% connected to the world an only copied what others did and liked.

So that included "liking" guys and weird stuff like that. I've never had a crush on a girl before (or a guy) and it struck me as odd that I never really had a "crush".

It was about 4 months ago I was seriously questioning myself and low and behold, 4 months later, I realized I was Lesbian. It was really a epiphany for me. So I was like hey...I'm gay bish!

And totally single...

(I apologize for my poor writing, it's not my strong suit :/)

 

It's who you are, so there is no sense in denying it. You get used to the idea over time. For me, I found that thinking about other people I admired who are gay made me feel better about myself, like openly gay celebrities. It's inspiring how comfortable they are with their sexuality. Even if no one in your life is supportive, the least you can do is be supportive to yourself.