Hi. This is my first post here at EC. Past that i do apologize in advance for, i know what will be a long post.... sorry! :icon_bigg i want to cover a few topics and hopefully some one here can help me just confirm and figure things out. the first thing, is do you think i am gay? i am a generally masculine 20 year old guy. i like to work on my cars and trucks, i ride atv's, go mud running, ride motorcycles and i hang out with mostly male friends. personally i think no one really suspects me to be gay (what i would i say i am). over the past several years (5??) i have noticed an attraction to guys, witch i have never really had for girls. i noticed thees things but i have always put it in the back of my mind, and forgot about it.. but i never found anything wrong with it. recently i have been really focusing on who i am... mostly sexually :lol: . from focusing on what i do, i defiantly check out guys, and fantasize about guys, dream about gay sex (witch i can never remember ever having a dream about straight sex)... and so on. going back to my first real memorable experience with homosexuality, was when i was about 11 (i think... it may have been 12) but my friend (who was a few years older than me) wanted to watch porn (straight) and i just kind of went with it (we did not do anything but watch). he started a video, witch honestly i only watched for about 5 min because i did not feel comfortable with it, but i do remember one thing and that is that for that 5 minutes i did not focus on the female but rather only on the male. i have had a few mini crushes on guys, but never on a girl. i think its obvious on the answer on if im gay, but what do you guys think? secondly, im starting to feel ok with being gay (by far not 100% but like 45% ok with it, witch is far from being ok with it but im working on it) and have thought about coming out, but more like planing on coming out in a few months when im more ready. i really want to come out to one of my best friends who is a straight guy. he is really accepting and open minded, although i really have no clue about how he feels about people who are gay. but i really do think he would be ok with it. besides him being accepting, i think he kind of has an idea that im gay (although i cant confirm it). back when we were about 15, he was sleeping over at my house. we were playing World of Warcraft and Halo 2. it got late so i went to bed.. but i guess he was not tired so he just kept playing on my computer. sometime that night he went through my browser history, and i had some gay pictures i looked up on my history ( smart me did not know how to delete my history :lol: ). he woke me up and asked me about it, and long story short i just told him it was from a virus lol. it did not make much since witch is why i think he knows. i do want to come out to him first! i have thought about it and im thinking in a few months around Halloween, ill go see him at college (we go to different schools a few hours away) and have fun at some Halloween party's (witch we have already discussed). i figures i would go down Friday sleep over that night, then some time Saturday pull him aside on a walk or something and tell him, then lastly sleep over that night again, so he sees nothing has changed, and im not going to come onto him or anything lol( i don't think he would think i would, but in the early stages of this idea i want to cover all possibility). what is your thought about this plan? beyond my friend,i would want to come out to me sister who i know is accepting since she does have friends who are lesbians... and i know my sister, as we are close (also she may have an idea im gay... ill tell you about that in a min). the nest person i want to come out to is my grandma. she had asked me if i was gay about a month ago, when i was still kind of figuring things out ( i say that as if i have figured it all out lol :roflmao. i paused, buried my face in my phone and awkwardly said no.... so i think that was a pretty good reply for YESSS I AM, but not saying it (also my sister was there at the time). the reason i want to come out to her is because after i said no, she went on about how she would love me even if i was. she did through in that she does not exactly accept homosexuality, but she would still love me and anyone i would bring around (boyfriend). this really made me feel good, and i did discreetly have a smile :eusa_danc . i do have other friends who i would like to tell, but i think it ill come in time. my friend do make a lot of gay jokes, some pretty hurtful, but i do think if i came out they would still be understanding of me. but what really worry's me is my mom and dad. as far as my mom and i go.. were not really close since my parents divorce 6 mo ago, to make things short... i have trust issues with her and don't want to tell her... witch makes me fell bad to say that. as for my dad, well... he is homophobic. he is disgusted by two guys kissing or holding hands ect. that being said, i have a lot of fear about him. also he is really judging to anything that he find a bit out of the norm in his mind, witch has really held me back from being me, like if i want to do something "out of the norm" he judges me and i back out. if i told him (witch would be a long ways down the road) i don't think he would kick me out, but i think we would drift apart and he would not really accept me. regardless he would love me. thank you for anyone who read this to the end... i know there is a lot here but im just trying to figure things out and get some advice.
Oh no, double posted them somehow deleted both! Anyways, welcome to EC! Truth be told, that stuff about mud running and ATVs was irrelevant. There's masculine gays, effeminate gays, and gays who are in between or neither. If you like guys, you're gay (or bi, or pan, but you don't seem interested in girls). As for coming out, that's up to you, and will depend on your confidence at the moment, the opportunity, and who you want to come out to.
My current plan for coming out is along the lines of "If it slips out, welp...guess that's taken care of!" So, yeah, I might not be the best judge of your plans, but here are my two cents anyway. I'm not sure that your first guy friend would be ok with you sleeping over after telling him you're gay, even if he is accepting. You know him better than I do, but I think he might just need a little time to let it sink in, or might feel uncomfortable spending the night with someone who potentially finds him attractive. I think you should tell your sister first. For one, she's family, for two, she might be able to advise you in how to come out to everyone else a little better than any of us could, since she knows you personally. And yeah, even though effeminate gays are the stereotype, your interests and gender expression have little to do with your sexual orientation!
No one else can tell you if you are gay, but you seem to have told us that you are. It has nothing to do with liking cars, bike, football, etc.; it has to do with liking other guys and not girls, and there is nothing wrong with it. It is just who you are. I don't see anything wrong with your plan about how to tell your friend while you are visiting him, as long as you know he is not mean and homophobic, which you should have figured out by now if he is your friend. Most people act more adultly when they go to college than while in high school; I doubt he would do anything but want to talk to you about it and tell you that it is OK with him, as long as you also don't tell him that you have the hots for him, which might feel awkward to him if he didn't feel the same about you. He probably thinks you might be gay anyway if he knows you well, and considering the previous experience with your computer. Probably isn't the right time yet to tell your parents, until you are more confident about it and maybe even financially independent of them, given the situation you describe. Granny already knows, probably your sister too; they are just waiting on you to feel comfortable coming out to them. You seem to have everything pretty well planned out; when you feel ready, just go with your plan.
In all honesty, I think you know the answer to your first question. Based on what you have told us, I'd be reasonably confident to confirm you are gay. You certainly have all the same feelings I had and still have as a gay man. You've clearly thought about who you would tell and I think your Grandma and Sister probably know already. All you really need to do is confirm what they suspect. With your friend, you could introduce the subject by referring back to the gay pictures he found on your computer in the past. What do you think? Before you come out, try to think about some of the questions people might ask you and your answers. It's much better if you can provide full answers immediately, rather than having to think on your feet. Some questions will be reasonable, but others might seem a bit stupid. Either way, don't get frustrated by them, just try to answer them as calmly as you can to demonstrate that you have thought everything through and you are happy with who you are. If/when it happens, let us know how it goes.
thank you every one for your reply's! as yossarian and linco said, i pretty much answered the question on if im gay in my post. i know i did, but it felt good to say it (type) for others to know, but at the same time get a little bit of feed back on what others thought. Lucaaa, on what you said about sleeping over again the night i tell him, i agree with you and never really thought about it that way. i know it will most likely be a bit different for him 100% knowing im gay, and i don't want to make him feel uncomfortable about it, even though i would never do anything, he should probably have some space to let it sink in. maybe ill tell him another time, who knows. but i do really want to tell him first. Linco, what kind of questions should i expect to answer when i come out?
Well, these are some of the questions that come to mind (questions I have been asked): How do you know you are gay? Have you always been gay? Have you got a boyfriend? Have you ever been with a girl (if not, how do you know)? How do you feel about girls? What sort of guys do you like? Why do you prefer guys? Have you had gay sex? How do you feel about me? How will this change you/us? I know some of these questions might seem iritating, but it's important to deal with them calmly. Often it's a lack of knowledge and understanding, or simple curiosity that leads to you being asked. Remember, your reaction will set the tone of the conversation. Some people ask no questions at all, but it's better to be prepared for those that might be asked, I think. It shows you have thought it through. Maybe others can add questions they have been asked?
If you think about answers to the questions Linco has listed, you will be 99% prepared, and more so than most people when they are quizzed after making the announcement. I would only add: Do your parents know? Who else have you told or are you going to tell? Am I supposed to keep this a secret?
sorry, i haven't answered back in a few days. i think those questions presented, kind of freaked me out. i want to come out, but idk if im ready after seeing some questions people might ask me. i know that sounds dumb, but sexual related conversations is always something i have avoided (with people such as my parents, sister and grand parents), and the thought that i might actually have to talk about it is what freaks me out. i still want to tell my friend, who i am so much more comfortable talking about things to. hopefully telling him will give me a confidence boost to tell others. is this normal to freak out about it?
Oh, yes, quite normal, and usually without cause. Most of the time your orientation is a lot more important to you than to anyone else. But, if you think about what people might ask and are confident that you probably have a coherent answer prepared for most of them, it will make you feel more confident about starting the conversation, and handling any reasonably expected reactions.
Coming out is a bit of a step into the unknown and we're never quite sure what reaction we will get, that's why it feels so daunting. If we prepare ourselves in advance (by considering the possible questions and our answers) it may have a significant bearing on the direction the conversation takes. What we don't want is a situation where we are just reacting in the heat of the moment and flailing around for calm answers, as that gives the impression that we haven't thought it through. Remember, these are all possible questions, not certain questions, but if you are prepared you can give calm and confident answers... that doesn't necessarily equate to detailed answers about your private sexual thoughts/feelings.
