When you just can't form the words..

I've been wanting to work toward coming out to more of my friends. So far I've only verbally come out to one friend, the other I mostly talk to online so I came out to him through Facebook, which was still difficult but significantly less so. I guess I have a couple of questions for those of you who have been through this already.

1. Do you have any suggestions on how to make this a little easier? When I came out to my friend SC I literally could not get the words out, and she ended up guessing what was going on with me, which I confirmed for her. My biggest fear when coming out to the next friend on my "list," AC, is not even that she'll react badly but that I won't be able to speak. With SC I had written a short letter that I had intended to give her as a backup if I couldn't make myself say the words, but in the moment I was so stressed and focused on trying to speak that I didn't even think to give it to her. I know I can come out to people through text, but if possible I prefer to do so in person. It just feels more intimate, and more rewarding, that way.

2. How comfortable with yourself were you when you came out? I am still getting used to the idea that I am (most likely) gay. I have days where I am totally confident in my orientation, and then days where I'm wrought with self doubt, shame, denial. My therapist tells me that coming out will probably help with some of these feelings, but at the same time the idea that I'm gay is still very surreal for me. I'm not sure if I'm totally ready to tell more people, but then, I'm also not sure if I will ever be ready. I also wonder if waiting to become more comfortable will help me deal better with the issue in my previous question, that it will be easier to speak about it? Or is the only way to conquer this to dive in and do it?

 

Goldenarrow-
How did you force yourself to say it? I've managed to force myself to type it by staring at the screen, thinking, staring, thinking, typing it in, staring some more, thinking, (you get the idea) and finally hitting "send" and closing my eyes. I'm not sure I'll have the same time liberty while in a conversation with someone :icon_redf .

Are you still glad that you came out even though you're more uncertain about yourself now?

Really-
That's not a bad idea, I'm not sure if I can make myself do it that way though. I had messaged SC beforehand letting her know I needed to talk about something, so I knew she'd eventually ask me what was up and I'd have to talk. I may have to do the same with AC, but I'm not sure.

I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm just not quite ready to talk about this with more people, if I feel so much apprehension that I'm going to go mute. I'm not sure. Sometimes I just wish they already knew and it was common knowledge. Other times I just want to run and hide.

 

Really-
Unfortunately I don't have a girlfriend, but that is a very good suggestion. My friend SC offered to help me out if I needed someone to be there with me when I come out to our other friends, or if I wanted to practice, or whatever. I am not sure if I feel comfortable roleplaying with her or not, but if I decide not maybe I can try it with my therapist instead.

RainbowLioness-
Yeah, my current plan is to tell friends first, there are a couple more I want to tell individually, then there are a few I likely will tell in a group. After that it's fine to me if the knowledge sort of disseminates, so long as it doesn't reach my family. Family will be more difficult and that's further down the road for me.

I think because of my age I do need to have a little bit of a "talk" with people who know me well rather than just letting it slip out like that, though I'm glad that worked for you. People don't really expect a someone they've known for years to come out of the closet at age 31 (well, not unless I'm totally oblivious and they've all been sitting around waiting for it, haha, but I don't think that's the case). With people I know less well I will probably try your way, though, because I obviously don't want to have a sit down with every acquaintance I've ever made and mentioning it casually will take some of the pressure off both of us.

You make very good points about being in the closet and denial. Thanks for expressing that because it's struck a chord with me. Part of why I'm pushing myself out now is that I feel if I don't do so soon I'm going to slam and bar that closet door all over again. I can feel myself going into denial mode even as I'm admiring all the beautiful women I see around me :icon_redf .

goldenarrow-
That's ok, thanks for trying to explain, and I think I get what you're saying as "fuck it" kind of is the attitude I've had when I've managed to hit "send" on those messages. It's a little bit of "oh screw it" and a little bit of "I have to do this, might as well get it over with."

 

xxemilyxx-
That's exactly how it was for me when I told my friend online. Hit "send" and brace for impact :lol: . Of course he was totally cool with it, which I knew he would be, but it's still totally terrifying. I mentioned this to SC and she made a really good point, that of course it's scary because it's hard to tell people something that you are uncomfortable with about yourself. How did you get the conversation going so it would head in that direction?

Really-
That's kind of a funny idea, haha. I feel like it's like having a coming out bouncer or something, someone who will stare menacingly from the corner and eject those with bad responses :lol:.

SC did offer to come with me if I wanted her to, but when I have my one on one talks I think it's better I do it on my own. When I come out to the bigger group I'll definitely want her there, though. I think having someone for right before and right after you come out is definitely a good idea, so they can sort of talk you up into doing it, and then talk you down afterwards.

 

Those are good ideas, thanks! Unfortunately far as I know with this friend there's no one she likes right now. She's always been very "close to the chest" when it comes to talking about things like that. She is a good person to confide in though and she's pro LGBT so that's why she's next on the list. She's going to a wedding of a friend of hers soon, so maybe if we can get onto wedding topics that can eventually get to guys.. and, ahem, girls.

I am able to say "I'm gay" outloud when I'm alone. It's saying it to someone else that seems impossible. Part of the problem is I am fairly sure but not 100%, so it may end up being "I think I may be gay" or "I like girls" rather than the absolute statement. But, lucky me, I asked my friend SC if she could help me prep for meeting with AC, and she said yes. So I will have to try to practice with her and see how that goes .

Part of the reason I've decided to come out to AC while I'm still a little uncertain is that she's a good person to talk through feelings with. The other reason is that SC is going through a really difficult time herself right now, so having another person to talk to and lean on would be good so I am not putting so much on her.

 

This weekend I am going to be talked out. Going to practice with SC this evening, and then tomorrow afternoon I "scheduled" a walk and chat with AC. :icon_eek: .

(You can do it, Storm! You can do it!)

 

I did it! I managed to say the words and everything. She was absolutely cool. I expected a lot of awkwardness, but she was really chill and (as I knew she would be) was fine with it. We talked a bit about it after that, and then I got her onto a guy she's been crushing on a bit too :lol: . Last time I did this I felt discomfort and some regret, maybe because I wasn't able to say "I think I'm gay" myself. Now I feel a huge relief. Hopefully it lasts. (!) (Also, what is with this dancing banana? It expresses my joy, but it is so bizarre!)