Advice on two issues... and venting

I just recently turned 18,

I have two major life obsticals to overcome, the first being that I have never told anyone other than my best friend, and her bother (who I'm dating) that Im gay.

The second, is my carrier choice.

We will start with the reason I found this site, I'm gay, and in the closet. Nothing about me suggest I'm gay, I don't fit any "profiles" etc. I live in a very rural part of Alabama (in the US for anyone unfamiliar) that is not very accepting to alternative life styles. Up until about a year ago when I met Tyler, (Emile, my best friends brother) I had no one I could relate to. Tyler was the same way, not even Emile knew he was gay until after Tyler and I decided to let her know we were dating, talk about weird. Tyler has the same fears as me, that his family will not be accepting. We both want to come out in some ways, to have the pressure lifted off out shoulders, however our community is very Anti-gay as I previously stated. We have decided to move to a larger city once we tell everyone, as word will spread fast, we have already picked the apartment in Huntsville, AL, and paid the security deposit, and saved a few months worth of rent so we can get there, move in, and find jobs, while I get stated with my career, and Tyler starts his continued schooling at the University of North Alabama. The hard part is it is 4 weeks away from the date he has to move to get things started, and therefore we both feel we should come clean and start our "new" lives there.

Now the hardest part for me, as I have kept this part of my life a secret from my mother, I want to go into law enforcement, so you ask how can that be so bad?

My mother, and my life were changed and affected dramatically in 1997, I never tell anyone that does not know this already, I just say "my mom is an only mom" it was March 30, 1997 that I lost both my father and brother. My father was a Sheriffs Deputy, and my brother(12) who was 4 years older than I was was riding home with him, after my dad picked him up from school, I had stayed home sick that day, and the 2 days prior. Our school was 45 miles away, in Birmingham, because my dad was a state employee, he could send us to school anywhere, and the schools in Birmingham were much better, he wanted the best for us, but on his salary could not afford for us to live in the big city. However back to the point of this, he was flagged down by who he thought was a person with a flat tire, so he pulled over to try and help, it was within the next 30 seconds my life changed, and I became the man of the house. The man on the side of the road, was an escaped inmate from Georgia, who had been fleeing the law on back roads, that were never usually traveled or patrolled, he had gotten a flat tire and decided to hijack the next car the stopped for him, however things were bound to go wrong when a uniformed officer is the person to stop. I am told that as soon as my dad was out of the car he was shot, and killed instantly, the person then noticed my brother in the car, and did the un-imaginable, killing my innocent brother. (I am sorry I am going into so much detail, however I just need to get it off my chest in a way, as I normally do not talk about it) I remember that afternoon, second by second. I knew something was wrong when I heard a car come screeching to a halt outside our house, and looked outside before my mom got to the door, I saw Dave, my dads ex-patrol partner barely able to walk coming to the door, and right behind him was a trooper ( you never see a Trooper in our area unless something major has happened ) I remember the door opening, seeing my mothers face as she knew something was wrong, and I did kind of blackout in memory until I remember the trooper saying "You younger son needs you the most know, I'm sorry" It was at that moment I knew they were gone, I can recall Dave picking me up, and carrying me outside to the neighbors who had gathered to see what was wrong, with the now 5 police cars, they had been told what had happened, and I was handed to Pat who was asked to watch over me until arrangements could be made. My mom came and said everything would be fine, and that she was going to go help dad, and to stay with pat, she was whisked away to the hospital to identify them. The next few weeks were very hard, going to the funeral for them, etc. and as imaginable, we have never recovered fully.

My mom has been hurt enough, and talks daily about what the family could have been like, and says how at least she still has me, and that she can't wait for my Grandchildren and wife so we can have a "big happy family again"

It is that, Grandchildren & Wife, that hit me the most, and then the fact she will worry and be afraid that I could suffer the same demise. I honestly don't know if she can handle anymore worry.

I almost want to continue living a lie, and move away and never tell her about what I do, and who I love. I feel I should just visit her often, and tell her the "story" life she wants and has breamed of me living.

However we all know that that won't work, so I just need help getting myself over this final hump, and then being able to deal with my mother, who I am afraid of hurting, and bring back memories.

 

Warning ... Long.. and possibly some major rambling and grammatical errors, but it is 5:30 am and I just have to get it out)

Sorry for taking so long to respond.. As you can imagine things have been very hectic, and emotional.

Well, I will start by saying that Tyler and I are now living in Huntsville, AL. On 5/3 my mom came to me in the morning and asked what was going on, she said I have been very distant, and she noticed that I had been staying in bed for 14 hours at a time ( I usually sleep like 5 hours a day max..) and she knew something was wrong. She said to think about whatever it was that was bothering me, and if I wanted we could talk about it after she came back from her trip to Georgia with my Grandma on Saturday (5/5)
........ So I went into emotional overload, no real reason other then fear of the unknown, coming out, moving, everything. I called Tyler, and told him we need to talk, and I went over to his house. I told him the time was coming, and asked him what he thought. We both became emotional, and just sat there holding each other in his living room, we were not thinking to well at the moment, and about 15 minutes his mom and Emilie walked in from outside, and we were so out of it, we simply stayed in each others arms. It was surreal, we knew questions were about to come flying, but we just sat there until Emile said "You both know you have my support. Mom, do you have anything to add or can we run our arends now, I have to be at work in two hours. Stacy (Tyler/Emilie's mom) simply said "Well, I do not understand this, I will just have to let it sink in, but as my son you know you will always have my support, and I will always lover you." She then walked over, leaned down, kissed Tyler on the forehead, looked at me and said "you have always been like a son to me too since your over here all the time, I know why now, but the fact remains, you both have my support" I started to cry, and she kissed me on the forehead, and then she started to leave. Tyler then said, what about Dad. She just said, when he gets home we can tell him, it is up to you, and then she and Emile left.

We just sat there, holding each other, talking about what was coming. About 2 hours later Mrs. White / Stacy walked in and asked how we were doing, and we both just started mumbling about feelings, our insecurity with this, and how we were both happy and scared. About 15 minutes into the conversation she asked what we were going to do once Tyler moved to Huntsville, would we continue to date, etc. It is then when we really surprised her, I simply said, I going to. Tyler told her we were moving in together and plan to be together forever. She got quite, and then said she did not know it was that deep of a relationship, but if we were sure, then go ahead. Then she asked, what my mother thought about this, so I was forced to tell her the fact that she is the first to know, she just said she would like to talk to my mom once I have told her, since they would want to make sure their "babies" were safe.

The rest of the night was a blur, we told Tyler's whole family, and in the end everything was freeing, uplifting and awesome.

All of us, Tyler, Emile, Ma, Pa and I all just spent the next few hours talking, it was nice having a family atmosphere like this, it reminded me of when my dad was alive, and I just started sobbing. I asked to be excused for a moment, and went out on the deck and continued to sob, Tyler came walking out a moment later and embraced me. We went back inside, and Tyler explained that I was just emotional from all of this, and that the family made me feel too good. They all embraced me, and I realized that all that had changed today, is I can be myself, and I have support, and that I had no reason not to be happy. Mrs. White said about an hour later that she was getting tired, and was going to go to bed, and as she left the room she said "Congratulations" then she turned around again and said, "Why don't you stay here tonight, neither of you should be driving, you have been through a lot today, good night" Now Tyler's dad I could tell was trying to comprehend this and figure out what was just said, be he seems fine with it, just one of the sinking in what this all meant moment for him i think, and it made me smile. Emile blurted out, whats so funny, first time I have seen you smile in a week, and Tyler just kissed me on the lips, which again made Mr. White's face go pale as he had his confused puppy face, it was weird and funny at the same time. The four of us continued to talk, but now just about general things, news, sports, etc. Mr. White was asking what we needed help with moving, etc. It was very nice. The chatter died down, and we started watching TV. At about 1am Tyler got up, tugged my hand and I followed him back to the deck, were he just said "That wasn't too bad.. Ready to tell your mom? and Smiled. I just leaned in and kissed him, then we began to talk with each other about what all just happened, etc. It was about 2:30 am when Mr. White came out on the deck, handed Tyler and I a beer and said, "It may not be legal, but you both showed maturity, so anything you want to do is fine with me, it helps me calm down, and relax, and If I were in your shoes, I'd have already been hammered, Night"

We both just stood there in shock, Tylers dad/mom have always been very strict, and it was just shocking to be handed a beer, and Ill be honest, I have only once before had a beer. We both started talking about this, and everything else again when it begain to rain again, and went inside, where Emile looked up from the couch and we just chatted somemore, all getting a small buzz in the process, and I can tell you we only slept for 3-4 hours, but it was the best sleep of my life there in the recliner, just holding tyler on top of me, and the beer may have helped me relax, but the weight that had been lifted off my shoulders just gave me this huge relief. We woke up, had breakfast, and Tyler and I went to my house to prepare to tell my mom.

(I'm sorry this is so long, but I just remember like every moment and I feel I must include them all. )

Friday was calm, we have a very nice time "together", it was amazing, we both had more energy then ever before, and this freeing feeling, it was not our first time by any means, but this was the first time we could throw caution to the wind, and just enjoy it, ever since then it has been awsome.

Tyler and I went back to his place for dinner with his family, and I stayed the night. We got up at 9am, and went to my house, awaiting my mom who would be home around 11am.

Mom got home close to noon, and I walked up to her and said, I'm ready to tell you what is going on. She looked me straight in the eyes and said "Your Grandma and I talked about you, and I told her something was up, she told me your Gay, is that what is bothering you? If it is, why would you let it be such a big deal?"

I do not know who cried more, me, my mom, or tyler. She stopped, and said, at least it all makes sense now.

We spent almost 5 hours talking, and then we invited Tyler family over for dinner, we all cried, talked, and planned how we would move forward. It is like our families merged into one big family.

Long story short, I now do not feel bad about leaving so soon with Tyler to live in Huntsville, my mom has Tylers family for support, and they all are very close.

I have talked in-depth with my mom, and she could not be more supportive, I am now out to my whole extended family. Things could not feel any better, or be any better.

So what is to come?

We are making our first trip to the new apartment to move things in, go shopping, etc this Saturday, and our whole "family" is helping.

I have gotten a job that will support us until I Tyler graduates, and I can then begin my carrier. Unfortunately you have to be 21 to enter law enforcement in Alabama, however one of my dad's old buddies has arranged for me to attend a Law Enforcement Academy in Florida this coming Winter, because in Florida you can be a cop at 18, so that when I become 21, I can go to a short 4 week Academy in Alabama to become Alabama Certified, and not have to spend 6 moths in a full Alabama academy. (This may not make since to most people, but what it means is I can hit the road to my dream on the day of my 21st birthday, and not have to waste anymore time, life is too short, and I can get an automatic pay raise to the second scale, which is major since being a Trooper is not by any means lucrative, seeing how even on Grade 2 I will only make 19K...)

But Tyler supports me just like I support him, and with his income we will be a, happy, healthy, comfortable, couple, and what more could we ask for? NOTHING!

Life has gone from Depression, over bearing, and uncontrollable to Amazing, and part of it is due to the support I got from online communities and friends when I was trying to find who I was, and while I may not have been on this site long, I just want to say thanks. I will try to keep everyone informed about us, and help anyone I can.

Thanks All.

 

Thanks for the offer, thank you very much, however everything seems to have fallen into place thankfully.