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I need to just do it...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Isabelina, Sep 13, 2008.

  1. Isabelina

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    I've been depressed before.

    And now that I know that I'm bi and I'm keeping it a secret (for the most part), I can just imagine my depression coming back. I mean, it comes back every time I come to some life-altering realization. The last one was that I was actually really still upset about my twin sister being dead. And I feel that this whole bi thing is on the same scale as that.

    The darkness that is always on the edge of my mind scares me. I've been fighting it for a really long time and...winning. But, how long will I be able to hold this secret in me before the darkness starts winning again?

    To tell you the truth, I'm scared. And I'm being forced to make a decision:

    Would it be worse for people in school to look at me weird and think of me in the same way as they think of my arch nemesis (a girl who made my best friend have a breakdown and nearly got the principal to think I was hallucinating in an attempt to get away with her harrassing me for over 4 months), not to mention the utter rejection I would get from my parents who are total homophobs, or live with a secret for the next two years and possibly let the darkness start winning again?

    I'm terribly confused. And I need help. I'm so terrified of the darkness winning again that...I think I'm almost letting it.

    I think I'll be alright for a while now. I'm happier now than I've ever been but...that doesn't keep me from worrying about what the future holds for me and that dark cloud called depression.
     
  2. silentsound

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    Well, first off, you're not alone. I have been there and in a lot of ways I am still there. Beating depression is hard, and thinking that you might have to do it again is scary. But you are not helping yourself if you are constantly afraid of slipping. Instead you have to relax and live your life. Just keep telling yourself that you aren't going to succumb to the darkness because that's not you. You can be happy and you can be ok with who you are. Your whole school doesn't have to know. In fact, depending on your situation, that might not be advisable at all. If you feel like more people need to know, find someone you really really trust. This might be a close friend in your peer group although I found a trustworthy adult a better choice as someone I could be sure would be supportive and keep my secrets if I needed her to. Whoever it is, you just need to find someone. Then get them alone and just say it. You might want to try saying it out loud alone in your room if that is a problem for you or having a script laid out in your head because it will be nerve-wracking. Start with one person, then if you want more to know then slowly let more people in. You don't have to rush anything, it's a process. Just take each next step when you are comfortable.

    Best of luck honey, om me if you ever need any help ♥
     
  3. JayC

    JayC Guest

    My mom and grandma are homophobes too and i havent come out to them yet. And i was like you going through a depression b/c of who i was and had just got over another depression, but then I started telling my closest friends that I waas gay and it made me feel SO much better. But go to a guidance counselor or someone you can trust first if u think your friends will tell people u don't want to know.
     
  4. JayC

    JayC Guest

    We all here for u don't forget that
     
  5. biisme

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    Is there a counselor at your school who you can talk to? If you decide that you don't want to tell anyone, but you're afraid of the darkness winniing, perhaps talking about it with someone will help you.

    Or, what about your friends? Can you talk to them/do any of them know?

    You can choose who you come out to. You don't have to come out to everyone in your home town all at once. By talking to people you know you can trust, you can share and discuss with them, but not be looked at weirdly.

    If you ever feel the darkness starting to take over, please talk to someone.

    (*hug*)
     
  6. Isabelina

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    Katie: You know everyone that knows, actually. All of them are from camp.

    Actually, I thought about telling my best friend when I first realized. However, my arch nemesis (who also happens to be hers) ruined the thought of someone being bisexual for her. The girl actually pretty much raped her. So, I can't tell my best friend.

    As far as other friends go, I've thought about it and I think I might tell my one friend that has come out to just about everyone but me. I feel like that would be a good person to tell, since he's going throught the same thing. But, I think I might just stick to him for now since all of my other friends that I would tell are girls and I'm afraid of what they'd think. I'm actually not attracted to any of the girls I'm friends with in my area, but I don't want them to be weirded out and think that I am or something.

    And, I'd really like to tell my boyfriend-ish person. But...I haven't been able to really get a grasp on how he'd feel about it yet. The only thing I know is that he makes fun of the guys he thinks are gay at his boarding school, so... yeah. We're unofficial, so I don't want to scare him away or anything. I really do love him, and I don't think I could live if he stopped loving me back.

    And as for guidance counsellors and such: my school is notorious for having staff leak things students say in confidence to the student body. I might try and find someone from outside of the school, but...who?

    But yeah, I'll start with my one guy friend. And then see how that goes and then go from there.

    Thank you all for your advice! I'm so glad to have a place to go where people genuinely know what I'm going through and can give me advice from experience.
     
  7. biisme

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    Well, what I thought of a long time ago to say if someone was weirded out b/c they were a girl was to say: "There's a major turn-off that you have. It's so big that I could never even think of you that way. You're straight."
     
  8. Isabelina

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    Haha. That's PERFECT! Thanks Katie!
     
  9. HighintheClouds

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    Well, firstly, while depression is a scary thing (I hate it. It just comes and tires you out when you do anything...), here's what I generally believe:

    - You are what you think you are. By extension, you are what you believe you will become. Believe that you will be depressed, or at least have that fear, and you will (or at least the probability of it occurring to you is higher). So don't think dark! Think bright! Happy! Butterflies and ponies and rainbows! Lots and lotsa rainbows!!! (Okay, that's just me being lame but whatever =P).

    - If you tell your friends, and they distance themselves away from you because of what you've told them, they're not your friends any more. Or at least bad ones. I've told my guy friends and frankly speaking, they don't mind me. They aren't telling me to shove away or not get close to them because they're afraid of me becoming attracted to them. If people are your good friends, they won't look at you differently. Your best friend right now has a bad impression of bisexuals, from what I can see. A very bad one. So the best thing is to... guess what? Show her that bisexuals aren't bad! You are her best friend. When she finds out that you are who you are, then I think that her perception of bisexuals will be different.

    - As for your boyfriend-ish person, tell him when you think the time is right. Again, same thing applies. If you both know that you love each other, I don't really think that your sexuality (or change in it) will affect the relationship, because you both love each other, and that's what you plan to stay at, right?

    - Try to find guidance counselors somewhere else, that's what I'd say. Maybe you'll be able to find some even in that crazy small town of yours. =)

    - One last point: Your parents love you. Your grandparents love you. That will never change. I hate homophobia in parents (personal experience here), but you need to understand that they still care for your wellbeing. I think that you should tell them. Just when the time is right (P.S. How old are you now?)

    Bottom line: Don't let the darkness take over. Don't think about it taking over. Fill your life with happy things and when you're down, talk to people who'll show their care for you. Life has so much to offer. Don't be dragged down! =)
     
  10. Jim1454

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    Depression is a scary and very powerful thing. I understand how you feel - about being taken over by darkness. It's possible that part of this is due to the fact that you've had this conflict inside you regarding your orientation. I think mine had a lot to do with that as well.

    Try to see a counsellor - either at school or outside of school. It would help a lot - based on my experience. Let your family doctor know as well that you're having troubles with depression. They may be able to help as well.

    Good luck
     
  11. Isabelina

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    Thank you all for your advice.

    I think my overwhelming feelings when I wrote the original message were mostly due to my topsy turvey hormones at the moment.

    I feel that way every once in a while, but when I wrote that it was a weak moment in the midst of many, many moments of strength and security in my happiness.

    To tell you the truth, I'm happier now than I ever have been before. Today was an especially good day. I'm just glad that these days exist now.

    As for friends, I think I can hold off on telling them. With the exception of my best friend (who is steadly becoming less involved in my life), I really don't have many friends that I would consider "good friends". Real people are hard to find in my town. Real people without alterior motives who aren't wearing a mask of lies are even hard to find. Other people might consider me a good friend of theirs, but I've come to a point where I don't put all of the real me out there. Of course this is based off of previous experiences here in the epicenter of suck, and I can't wait to go to college and be able to REALLY be me. But, all of these "friends" I have are mostly just a way to make myself feel comfortable, like I have people surrounding me that care. I dont consider any friendships in my school "real". They arent, but nevertheless I am unwilling to sacrifice them. Something about being totally alone at one point makes me so attatched to these fake friendships. So yeah, I won't be telling them.

    But...I think I'm doing better now. You can read my blog to find what an amazing day I had. :]