A few weeks ago, my mother and I (who have one of the rockiest/shittiest relationships ever) were having dinner on holiday. I didn't plan to; but casually over steak i said "I don't think i like boys" my mother said "okay" i cried - i don't know if it was relief of telling her or hearing it out loud for the first time. She didn't mention it again. A few days ago, over lunch (ha, sorry about the food references) I said to her, i wish i didn't feel gay. I wish i was "normal" for once (I was bullied, ended up self harming for a few years and recovered from bulimia and survived a suicide attempt - hell i sound fucked up- im all good now though, i promise!) she said "if i felt like that, id assume i wasnt gay" The thing is, both these incidents i felt she didn't try. i dont know if this is a reaction to watching late night youtube ideas of children coming out to their parents. But in the first instance i wanted her to say more. On the one hand i'm grateful she didn't go ape shit, on the other i would have loved her to respect the fact it took so much for me to tell her. Why didn't she say, "and thats okay" or "I love you still". ? Anything - ANYTHING. I got nada. Then over lunch i felt like it was her way of telling me she thinks its a fad, like she was waiting for me to realise i had made a mistake. My mother has always favoured my sister. Both of my parents have. And i am okay with that, or at least I was. ever since telling my mother, the differentiation between how she treats myself and my sister has increased tenfold. And as someone who gets love from only her granny (irish, extremely catholic granny whom she could never come out to i might add) it hurts - and i don't know if i have a right to complain because at least i have a roof over my head. I cant make friends because i dont know how to, and when i do manage it, the guilt of not being honest with them kills me. This added to the fact that being lesbian is the most normal part of my sexuality - im kinda screwed (and it aint in the good way). I dont know, i finally get the courage to say im gay - and nobody seems to give a shit. Shouldnt i be happy(ier?) ???
Hey, Now for your mother she is going though stages of, grief, loss, confusion, denial which is proved by the fact that your sister is favoured a lot more. Your will eventually have to accept, who you are. There is really not much you can so there. It's is to bad that your grandmother is a strict catholic. ( my parents are Christian so I know the feeling.) I just recommend going slow and carefully. If you want to make more friends than just be happy around new people and let things flow. I know it is hard because I myself am extremely introverted. EC is always here for you. I am sorry you feel that way.
well congrats on coming out to the extent that you have for one! I know myself that it is NEVER easy. I know what its like with having a rocky relationship with your mum, i know what thats like (especially because mine threatens to throw me out) and to feel second best to another, you feel like your second best, hostility is higher than normal and tentions are high. Feel good about yourself and hold your head high. You are a human being, you are important. I too feel like i could never come out to grandparents are mine are homophobic and rasist but i love them too. Trying to find friends who would accept to is like a game of landmines, once you reach the end you can sigh with relief, i have a few friends who know and i always can have a good laugh with them despite the fact for me finding anyone to talk to is hard. Feelings are going to be harder for a while and it may feel like nothing is worth while, i bet others have said, it gets better, i can say from experience,it may take a long time to do so, with my mother things are still bad but with my aunt and uncle things have never been better. good luck with everything sweetie and i hope everything works out x
