New here. Just wanted to jump right in. Sorry if this is the wrong thread. Are You Gay? I honestly don't know how to answer this question because I don't feel comfortable with labels. I work in a kind of hostile heterosexual auto industry environment where the word fag gets thrown around. And they make fun of gay stereotypes and what not. They're a bunch of nice guys but it's getting harder to avoid this question. They generally don't ask it at work but I'm finding myself hanging out with them outside of work recently and I can tell they want to ask the question and they hint at it. One even asked at work when I first started and it threw me off guard. He's no longer there for other reasons but the assistant manager had to step in and tell him to stop. I only have a couple friends who know "me" and my issues and I just don't know how to go about this question. I know a lot probably could care less but it's just I don't want things to change. I don't want people to see me as the kid who's gay or what not. Because I'm sure most of these guys view sexuality as black and white. I flirted with the idea of being bisexual but I'm not entirely sure about that one because I don't have experience with both sexes. Emotional wise, sure but sexually no. I'm just not comfortable with labels in general. I feel like they subconsciously restrict you emotionally and you become what you label yourself as. I've thought of answers in my head but nothing that wouldn't allude to the fact that I obviously wasn't straight. I avoid hanging out with co-workers because I'm afraid they'll ask this question and yea, I know I don't owe them anything and I could lie but is it really all that great for you mentally? I'm 28. Maybe I'm just tired of avoiding it. Anyone else have experiencing working in a heterosexual dominated environment? I've been working there for a couple years so I'm getting use to the people. Some new ones come and go and I have gotten a bit more confident but it does worry me what will happen if they know that I'm definitely not straight. They joke about hooking me up with girls and going to strip clubs which I don't care for in general for other reasons. It wouldn't matter if I was gay or bi, I still wouldn't want to be hooked up with a dude or go to a gay strip club. It's just not my thing. They just don't seem to get it. They're the drink beer and have sex kind of guys. I wouldn't be surprised at this point if any of them question my sexuality because I don't brag about my personal life. I don't have one. I'm currently going through some health issues that hold me back some but I'm slowly getting out of my shell but I'm waiting for the question and I just don't see a good outcome. And honestly, I find the question kind of weird to ask someone. I could see if the person was interested but to ask out of curiosity? Where does that come from and why would you want to know that information unless you weren't interested yourself? Hopefully this all makes some sense and someone can help me out. Thanks
Until you feel comfortable answering yes or no, just turn it back on them. If they say are you gay? say something like 'why do you wanna know?' or 'are you flirting with me, because you're not really my type' or something like that. Otherwise just tell them it's none of their business. It's your choice when and if you want to define yourself, not theirs.
Makes perfect sense. I have worked in very manly heterosexual dominated fields i came out as gay about four years ago. And I was surprised. I worked in the automotive industry also in construction. I went to police academy, I was out there.it surprised me how people reacted. Just don't be overly sensitive and it will be okay.
I find it very presumptuous of some straight folks, to think it is their place to demand that someone answer a question about something as personal as their sexuality. It's none of anyone's business. I have not had to do this as yet, but if I ever get 'confronted' about it - I do dress rather differently nowadays, just a bit androgynously and my blond hair and gold studs in my ears, seem to have attracted a bit of attention lately, in both bad but also good ways - I feel like basically answering, "go f... yourself" although of course, that isn't the best answer in your situation...maybe just ask them why the hell they are so interested in your private life anyway? That might shut them up, maybe.
I'm the odd man out. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I don't go to strip clubs and what not so I'm kind of seen as the unicorn that everyone wants to corrupt. I have a tried a "brownie" but I refuse to smoke. And I have tried a beer and a nip. Bout it for me. Just not appealing to me. And for some reason, that bothers them. They think if I do these things, it will get me to relax and have a good time. I was paranoid with the brownie and when I drank, I wanted to divulge personal information to the person I was drinking with. I had to will myself and tell myself that it was the drink and not to do it! lol I don't like that feeling of not being in control. Go Fu*ck yourself just might be The answer. Why, are you interested because you're really not my type is another good one to. In the moment, I might just freak out. It's funny because while I anticipate it, when they ask, I'm still in shock. I can't believe I'm 28 and having this issue. I wish I was 18 again. I started life late and I see therapist. This wasn't an issue before hand but I find that since I'm socializing more, it's opening me up and making me vulnerable to answering questions that I felt no need to answer. It's like the more I'm around people, the more confident I get in wanting to just be like fuck it, who cares. But at the same time, I'm worried how people will then perceive me. I've already thrown it out there that I don't care what kind of strip club it is, I don't want to go to one. I find myself getting along with the older guys at work (30s+) because they don't berate me. They take what I say and leave it at that. But the younger guys (teens and 20s) just don't take no for an answer.
Could you get away with a sort of a joke answer? Groucho Marx voice, bite down on an invisible cigar, cheeky wink, "That's right. Know any nice fellas?"
I probably could but like I said, they're persistent and probably would just ask again. The thing that gets me is the need to ask these questions in front of a group of people. Instead of asking one on one. If it was one on one, I may be more inclined depending on the person to be open about how I feel but a group of people (to me) is kind of disrespectful. They all know I have anxiety issues so to do that would really piss me off. I guess I won't know until it happens.
It's up to you whether you want to tell them that about you or not. I'm personally very open about my sexuality even though I've primarily worked in a heterosexual environment. I personally find it easier to have personal relationships with it on the table. If you're hanging out with these guys outside of work, maybe consider that aspect? Just remember that it's your choice, not theirs, of when, how, and if you trust them with that information
I was 28 when I came out, come out when you are ready. The only reason I can guessthe younger guys are asking you is because youdon't share the "to"titties and beer" interests theirmind isdominated with That's a good thing.
I find open questions help more in this scenario. Something like: "How important is it to you (all of you) to know about my sexuality... and why?" and "Would it actually make a difference to you (all of you) if I wasn't straight... and why?" Put them on the spot with a few questions of your own, but frame the questions in such a way that it will elicit more than a yes/no (one word) response.
"Are you gay?" "I don't know what you have in mind, but I am busy tonight, so you will have to go fuck yourself." "Are you looking for a date?" "Are you kidding?" "Only to a girl I don't like." "I'm too drunk for what you have in mind." "Only to guys with a better body than you" "Are you?"
I never understood that question. Ask them why they feel as if your sexuality matters to them so much. I'd just say "and what if I were? Why does it matter to you so much?".
I hate it when people ask that. Some are just doing it to be obnoxious. Here is my policy: Ask me once it is fair game, ask me twice, your being an asshole
i dislike this question because it is not anyone's business. i have only asked a guy this when i was attracted to him and at the same time (actually only after) outing myself to him. some people of the opposite sex ask this to be nosey and then mask with with a supportive nature (if you are gay, that's ok with me) but later you find out they have issues and steroptypes of what gay people are and try and put you in a gay box. if someone asks you that at work you can say the following: are you? i have a general rule, i do not ask people questions that like that and i do not expect people to ask me questions like that either. none of my business or theirs. that's funny, i was thinking about asking you the same thing. you first...are you? im sure you already think you know what the answer is, so just go with whatever you want to go with. sorry, you don't know me like that to ask me a question like that. back the eff off. my favorite...no response. just walk away like you never heard them.. unfortunately, anything other than "no" means to people, "she's gay". i hate that straight people or gay people try and pin you down with this question when it is none of their business. they will even say, "oh you didn't answer the question, so that means you're gay, if you were straight, you would just say so."
I never understood the question either. Unless you're interested, I just don't see why. lol I like those who are a little bit nicer in asking. They don't go straight to the gay question but they say are you straight, bi, or gay? I feel if someone is to blunt, they'll say no but if you give them other choices, they may be inclined to answer. But I suppose it's also how you ask. That's how I feel. Anything other than no, they'll assume. They'll brag. Talk. They won't to my face because they know talking about that stuff at work is a no no. The problem is I honestly don't even know how to respond to it. I don't want to say I'm gay because I don't feel comfortable with that label. I could be. I could also not be. I don't have a lot experience with both sexes to come to that conclusion. I'm definitely Not straight. I suppose I could say that. I kind of thought of "I'm not gay or straight. I'm Sean. That's who and what I am." If you have a problem with that, take it up with the boss. Another thing is they may be shocked but at the same time, they've had a lot of time to process who I am as a person so hopefully they won't just see me as "that's the gay kid".
Hey, I have the same problem man. I'm a mechanic in the military, and there was a group of soldiers who constantly asked me the question. I would tell them no, and then the same exact person will ask again later! I think their is probably quite a bit of speculation that I am, but most of my fellow soldiers treat me with respect regardless. The ones who can't seem to show me respect and treat me with dignity I just ignore.
Why would he ask you again? Was it in a group before and one on one after? I just don't get why people are so interested in other people's personal life.
