So, I've been thinking it would be great to be honest about how I am questioning my orientation and am probably lesbian with someone close to me...and also with a straight girl, to get a different perspective I guess. I just don't know who I really feel comfortable coming out to, and one reason is because none of my close friends or family live nearby, so I rarely see them, and I don't really feel that close to them except when we are spending time together in person. So I have three options, I guess: mom, best friend (X.), or close friend (Y.). Mom: We have always had a very close relationship, but she can be very controlling as well. Has always bugged me to be interested in guys, picked out boyfriends for me, forced me to attend dances and insisted I dress feminine/wear make up, etc. However, last year she asked me if I was gay since I am getting older and still not showing interest in guys and said she would be OK with it. However, the conversation was clearly not planned on her part, just randomly happened, and when I denied it (I was in denial at the time) she started making jokes and teasing me about protesting too much. So I don't know whether to believe her about being accepting or not since she wasn't taking it very seriously. It is worth noting that she can be very scary when she is angry, which causes me to not trust her totally, even though she always apologizes afterwards (sometimes it takes several months though). Also, when I saw her a month ago, she made a point of asking me how one of my gay friends is doing whose family rejected him when he came out, and expressed sympathy for him. She also randomly brought up that my grandmother would have been tolerant if she or I had turned out to be gay because of other family members coming out and having a bad experience. Do you think she knows already??? She has always pushed me to date guys, but this time when she asked me if I wanted to go on an internet dating site and I said no, she just dropped it immediately instead of pushing me as usual. I almost told my mom last time I saw her, but it seemed surreal to think about being gay when visiting her, since she lives such a traditional hetero life, with a very macho and chivalrous (and anti-gay-marriage) husband, and that is always the lifestyle she wanted for me and taught me to value. Has anyone else had a similar experience? X.: Is my closest friend, but I almost never see her (maybe once every year or two). I do feel closest to her but she is Korean and religious so I can't be 100% sure how comfortable she would be. She does have gay male friends and as far as I know does not have any problem with it, but I feel like it is different to have a close lesbian friend, being a girl. I would have to do it in a letter since we don't understand each other that well over the phone. I think the only reason I am holding back with her is because of the cultural issue, and the anxiety of waiting for the letter to arrive! Y.: I am going to see her next week on a short trip to the beach. I have been thinking I might like to tell her then; she is very open about talking about personal things and as far as I know has not shown any problem with LGBT people. She comes from a politically conservative family, but has also had gay male friends (all my friends do). She is also not part of my current social circle, so I don't worry about her spreading rumors. However, since we will be on a trip together, if she does have a bad reaction we will be stuck together. I thought I could wait until the last night to tell her, just in case. I think she might want to talk about guys before that during the trip though, and I am really terrible at lying...:icon_redf I am really bad about overthinking things and doubting myself, and I don't know how to get out of it, so I thought talking with others might help. What do you think?
If your mom said she's okay with it, even as a joke, I think you should go for it. In my case, even though I first came out to random friends who I knew had said something unusually positive about gay rights, I felt I had to tell my mom as soon as possible because she is really my biggest confidante (aside from counselors). You should also just come out to X and Y just because the more people you come out to, the more comfortable you will be in talking to them about even normal stuff.
If I had to pick one, I would say Y. It actually sounds like your mom would be fine but that unknowable anger would scare me a bit, too. Although it doesn't sound like this would make her angry. Only you would know that, I guess. As for X, because it is by mail and you'd have to wait for a reply, I'd be inclined to have one revelation over and done with so you could address both sides of the conversation, so to speak, within the letter. You know, "I'd like to tell you this", "I hope you'll be happy for me", "I understand you'll need time to process but please call or reply as soon as you're able as I really value your friendship". Y. Good plan with the holiday. Would you be able to do some sussing out leading up to the reveal? I'm just thinking if things are going good, you might like to come out earlier than the last day because then you could have some quite nice quality time together before the holiday is too quickly over. Of course, these are just my thoughts as an outsider. :] Good luck and may the force be with you. (As they say on some planet.)
Thank you so much, Resu and Really, for reading my super long post and for your replies! It is so comforting to be able to ask others' opinions on this! I will post again if I decide to go for it to tell how it went!
Hi guys, just an update--I had to cancel my trip to see Y. I told her I wanted to talk to her over the weekend anyway, even though we wouldn't get a chance to see each other, but I did not hear from her. So, I guess I am back to square one! Thanks anyway for the advice!
Be what you feel most strongly feel you are. only then when you are sure then it is time to take hold of your life and be what you truly feel you are.
