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I think I'm ready to come out to my parents, but I need some advice.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by justin1992, Sep 4, 2014.

  1. justin1992

    Regular Member

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    Hi there,

    So, I've been thinking about doing this for a while now and think that I'm ready to come out them. I'm going to write them an email, an email I've written, rewritten and imagined actually typing for a long time now. My parents are very loving and supportive, they have gay friends and I'm sure they'll continue to love and accept me, (whatever that lingering voice of self-doubt might say to the contrary). :icon_wink

    My only problem is how to address two certain issues in my letter. The first of which is my mental health. I've been dealing with serious depression for several years now and, as supportive and understanding as my parents have tried to be, its pretty clear that they don't really "get it." I'm worried that when I tell them I'm gay they'll assume either that being gay and closeted has been the 'cause' of my depression or that coming out will somehow magically 'fix it', when its obviously a lot bigger than that. Any advice on how to broach this topic or phrase it in my letter would be greatly appreciated.

    My other, somewhat related question, is how I can ask my parents to give me some time before reacting to my letter. I know my mother in particular would want to call me and talk the moment she read it. My reason for this is that one of the things that keeps coming up in my counselling is the unhealthy way I seek external validation. I guess I want to have a sense of ownership over my coming out, something I'm 'telling' them, not something tied to their approval, as if i was asking permission to be gay. At the same time, I want to be considerate that there are things that they might need to say. I don't want it to seem that in saying let's talk about it in a week or two from now that I'm saying that I don't want to hear from them or that I don't care about them. Again any advice on how to sort this out would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Cerith23

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    Hi there.

    First off, I'd like to say I'm glad you've reached a point where you feel comfortable enough to come out. As someone who doesn't suffer from mental health problems I'm afraid I don't have any direct experience in regards to your concerns, however, I'll give answering your post a shot as no-one more qualified than I have done so yet.

    So, the first issue. Again I want to reiterate that I'm no expert, but this is how I would do it if you are going to reveal to them that you are gay later in the letter:

    'Mum, Dad, you have tried to support me through my depression for many years now. You've helped me to the best of your abilities, but I understand that it is still something you have trouble fully comprehending. Because of this, it makes me worried that what I am going to tell you is going to make you assume that it is the cause of my depression. I am worried that you will view my opening up to you about this as a 'magical fix-it.' Please understand that both of these things are not true and that my depression is much bigger than what I am going to tell you..."

    Or, if you have already told them that you are gay, I would simply write something along the lines of what you have written above. It makes sense, and is short and simple, and reveals your worries and feelings about the matter:

    'I've been dealing with serious depression for several years now and, as supportive and understanding as you have been, you still don't fully understand this issue. I'm worried that telling you I'm gay will lead to you assuming either that being gay and closeted has been the 'cause' of my depression or that coming out will somehow magically 'fix it', when my depression is much bigger than that.'

    For your second point, I would write much in the same way. Alter your words from this post to fit to them to the letter. You have already thought out what needs to be said, really. I understand it, and I'm sure others reading your post understand it, and although I don't know your parents I can assume that they will understand too.

    Good luck (I used a letter for part of my coming out too), and I hope someone else has better advice to give to you :slight_smile:
     
  3. Really

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    ...
    I'd also like to thank you for all the support and love you've given me throughout my depression and while coming to terms with my sexuality has obviously played a part in it, I still have some way to go before I can be free from its grasp. I know you will continue to support me in my endeavors to improve my mental health.
    ...
    I appreciate that this my be something of a shock to you and want you to know that I am still me. I'd kindly ask you to take some time to read and digest what I have written here. It's taken me quite an effort to put these words down and would appreciate if you would let my words settle with you for a bit and I will call you in a while and we can talk about any questions you might have. Feel free to write them down as you think of them over the next little while.
     
  4. justin1992

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    Thanks for the advice and helping me game this out.