Hello, I am a senior in college, and I think I am gay. I have not actually considered myself gay (even though i watch mostly gay porn) until this year. I just could not accept the fact I don't think, and I have pretended I am straight for a long time. I have never done anything with a guy, only with girls. I have 2 best friends who I go to for everything. One of them I told this summer that I think I am bi. This is probably a lie (I'm not sure whether I like girls, but I don't think I do), but it was a huge step for me to tell someone, and he was fine with it (but also shocked). The other best friend, I think I am in love with. He is incredibly cute, and we literally go together like peas in a pod. We do everything together. I find myself daydreaming about out potential life together, raising kids, living together, etc. He does not know about me, and I'm almost certain he is straight. I want to tell my friends and family about my true self, but I am a) scared and b) not 100% positive that I am gay. What of I come out and then fall in live with a girl (which does not seem ridiculous at all to me). My parents aren't homophobic, but I don't think they'd be the most accepting of me being gay either. Like I said, my two best friends are everything to me. One of the friendships is completely platonic, and the other, well I love him to death as a friend, but I think I also love him as a soulmate. I think about him constantly, and he makes me so emotional. Again, I'm 99% sure hes straight. What do I do?? I act completely straight, and nobofy has ever suspected I am gay. This is what makes it so hard. I want desparately to tell someone, but who can I tell? And how?
At the moment there is still a level of confusion in your feelings, even though you seem to be leaning much more towards the idea that you are gay. In your position, I would try to work out for sure if you are gay, before coming out to anyone. The first person you need to come out to is yourself and you don't seem to be at that point quite yet. A few questions to ask yourself.. other than the friend you are attracted to, can you imagine yourself being intimate with another guy? Can you still imagine yourself wanting to be intimate with a member of the opposite sex? You said the idea of falling in love with a girl doesn't seem ridiculous to you, so if you can still imagine yourself in that scenario, with the desire to have a physical relationship, are you really at a point where coming out as gay would be a good idea? These are the sort of questions you really need to work out? You don't have to rush the process. In fact, it's better if you don't heap pressure on yourself to work it out, but you can only move forward in a meaningful way once you have addressed the reality of your feelings.
Don't worry so much about labeling yourself, just enjoy doing things with your probably straight friend. Whether or not he would accept you as gay/bi, he accepts you as you are to him now, so why screw that up when you pretty much know he is straight, and aren't sure exactly what you are yet. If you want to explore your sexuality further, do it with some other men who already self-identify as gay, so that confusion is taken out of the situation, until you are sure who YOU are; they can help you figure it out.
Thats the thing... he is the only guy I have ever felt this way about. I mean, I have been sexually attracted to guys before, but have never desired to be intimate with them. I have tons of guy friends, and honestly have never even entertained the idea of being with any of them except him. I am definitely sexually attracted to guys (I like gay porn), but it's fairly rare for me to like at a guy in real life and be like "wow he's hot". I look at girls and say "they're hot" all the time, but I'm not sure if that's just societal pressure? I don't find myself needing girls, but sometimes I feel like I do need a guy (in a sexual way). It's so frustrating, because I do not know 100% what I am, and also I feel like I am trapped being someone I flat-out do not want to be. I am 100% for gay rights, have no problem with anyone being gay, but I personally do not want to be gay (unless I was with my best friend haha). So yeah, I'm just really confused and stressed right now.
