extreme anxiety about coming out to my dad

This post is probably going to be a long one, but I think I will feel a lot better if I can just get everything off of my chest. Also, it may seem a little off topic at first but I want to tell the whole story so please bear with me. So from the beginning, (I know most of this is on my profile, but just to confirm) I am an 18 year old female and I am pan. I am only out to one friend really, but I don't think she fully understands what it means or she might just think I don't mean it since I've only ever been in cis heterosexual relationships. I have always been open to dating anyone (hence being pan) but I have never been attracted to anyone that way except cis men.

Recently I have started college (the friend I am out to is my roommate) and in one of my classes, about a month ago when school first started, I met a girl who I was immediately attracted to. It was kind of the definition of love at first sight, although I'm not sure how strong my feelings for her are; they are pretty strong, but I'm not like stalking her or pushing myself all over her. The thing is, I think she may be straight. She talks about liking guys, but she is also supportive of any sexuality it seems. She has made gestures towards me that confuse me because they could be interpreted as flirting or just really friendly, I know it is really hard to tell with girls. The main ones I have noticed are: she pokes my hips a lot and smiles at me, once in class during an activity we somehow grabbed hands while walking past each other and like slid our hands down each other's wrists until we were too far away, and another time she hugged me from behind with her arms over my shoulders and around my neck but it only lasted for a few seconds. Also, because my roommate doesn't really understand, I can't tell her about it for fear of her being secretly homophobic (I could see it happening).

So this whole situation already has me really confused, but the next part is about my dad. I'm not really sure if it is necessary to come out to anyone because of not being sure if the girl I have a crush on returns my feelings, but to me it seems inevitable just because I like her so much and I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like I've known her a lot longer than I have and I feel happy and comfortable when I am around her. I am extremely close to my dad, to me he knows everything and always has answers to all of my questions. I am so comfortable talking to him about almost all of my problems and he's really supportive and insightful about life. So I bet you're kind of thinking "ok, well what's the problem?". The thing is he has always been religious (not super religious, but he definitely has a strong relationship with "God") and raised his kids in the church of christ. He is VERY openly against same sex relationships as is my entire extended family on both sides (I mainly only care about his opinion though). It devastates me to think that if I tell him he may not love me anymore. I have recently talked to him about getting a tattoo (to which he has agreed) on my arm that says "I love you" in his handwriting. What I didn't tell him was that it was so I could remember when he used to love me if I ever came out to him and he reacted badly. This terrifies me so much that I always cry when I think about it and start shaking. Part of me thinks he may be understanding because I am his kid and he is pretty understanding, but he has made it blatantly clear on many occasions that he is against it. I don't think that he will understand it is not a choice especially from his religious perspective. I just don't know what to do and I could really use some support and advice. :help:

 

I am not really religious, at least not in the "there is a god" sense. I think he might kind of know but I haven't really come right out and said it to him.

 

Probably to me being a different religion because I could could kind of give more evidence as to why I am, but with being pan it's more of just saying I am because I am rather than having specific evidence. Also, I think even if I just told him I'm pan he might be accepting or even if I told him I was pan and I was in a heterosexual relationship he wouldn't care because to him nothing would have visibly changed. That's why I think it's a little harder with me liking a girl now because that's the part that would be unacceptable to him, not the fact that I identify as pan but the fact that I am carrying out the pansexual actions that he doesn't approve of. I'm not sure how he would feel about like transgender or any other sexuality, but I feel like he would see it the same way he sees homosexuality. (Not that I would tell him if I was in a relationship with a transgender person unless that person was okay with me revealing that information.)

 

I think this will help! Thank you so much!