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Need Some Advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by pranbran, Sep 11, 2014.

  1. pranbran

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    Hi Everyone!

    I have been having a few issues with my parents ever since coming out a few months ago, and I really don't know what to do anymore. I could really use some advice about this, as I'm going to be seeing my parents next week. (I no longer live with them ever since I graduated from college about five years ago...I'm about two hours away)

    I met my wonderful girlfriend at the end of January, and we have been together ever since. Keep in mind that my girlfriend is African American and I am Indian American (as in Subcontinent Indian, not Native American...). I promise it'll be important.

    I said nothing to my parents about my girlfriend at first because I wanted to be sure this was really going to be something before I brought them in. By April, though, it was pretty clear that we were going strong and it wasn't going to be ending anytime soon. So I told my mother when she came to stay with me one weekend. She initially said that it was fine, that she didn't quite understand but she wanted me to be happy and that was the most important thing. I honestly thought I was in the clear. I even showed her a picture of my girlfriend that night, although she still seemed pretty uncomfortable about it.

    After about a week or so, I noticed that my mom was starting to sound weird, upset, and withdrawn. I kept asking her if everything was okay over the phone, and she kept saying that she was fine. Finally, when I went to visit them, I kept asking her and she finally told me: She wanted to be okay with me having a girlfriend. But she couldn't. She didn't understand it and she was uncomfortable and she couldn't be happy for me. I understood - this is a really big change for them, especially given their traditional Indian background. I was sad, but I understood it was a process.

    I waited another month to tell my dad - he's the more traditional one of my parents, and if my mother was having a hard time, then he was going to have an even harder time. I finally told him over the phone one day. My dad took an entirely different route - he started talking about how he and my mom were likely going to loose the rest of our family over this. The extended family would not talk to them or to me because to acknowledge someone in the family that was in a same-sex relationship would harm my cousins and their kids chances of getting married (it's a system of arranged marriage - your families reputation means a LOT to that process). That they would be left alone once the rest of the family found out. He talked about how my grandparents were going to be "crushed" once they found out. And then he asked if he and my mom could come and visit me the next day to talk more - I agreed.

    The next day was not fun - my parents came over and started to lay down "Ground Rules". My girlfriend was not welcome at their house, or anywhere near their house. They would not be coming to my house to visit anymore (as my girlfriend pretty much lived with me at that point). They did not agree with my "Lifestyle Choice". And then they started asking about my girlfriend - asking if she had any incidents of violence in her background. They started saying how she was taking advantage of me, how I was apparently vulnerable because I hadn't been in a relationship before and she was taking advantage of that and using me somehow. I didn't say much. I disagreed with pretty much everything they said, but I was so shocked that I couldn't come up with anything to say back to them. They left soon after.

    I went to visit them about a month later, and my mom sat me down near the end and started going on and on about how my girlfriend was using me to have a free place to live (not true...she pays rent to me) and to use my money (again, not true - she pays for all of her own things....we really only share on food, and we do SHARE). She asked if my girlfriend could be a felon, and when I vehemently said no, she said, "Well, you don't know if she's lying, do you?" And then continued to harp on the fact that she was dangerous and a freeloader and how I was being taken advantage of and I just couldn't see it. She also let me know that they were telling my extended family that I had "decided to not get married" instead of telling them the truth. I pretty much left after that, and haven't seen either of my parents since.

    At this point, I am incredibly angry with them. I get that this is a big change for them, and I understand that it's not the easiest thing to accept. But what in the world gives them the right to attack my girlfriend, whom they flat-out refuse to meet, with all of these ridiculous assertions? It feels incredibly racist to me - I can almost guarantee I would not have had questions about violence and felons if she hadn't been African American - and that just makes me so angry. Not to mention that they are trying to shove me into a closet when it comes to extended family - we have a language barrier between most of my extended family and myself, and I rely on them to translate in-between, and now I don't know that I can even trust that. I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't want to be around them. And now they're asking me about Thanksgiving and Christmas and everything in me just wants to say "No - I'm not coming. I don't want to be there." But I guarantee they're going to take that wrong - as if I was trying to force them out of my life because they are "having a hard time accepting me". Not because of their own behavior toward extended family and my girlfriend. Any attempt at me telling them otherwise will fall on deaf ears.

    I just don't know what to do about them anymore. Anyone have any ideas?
     
  2. sugarplum

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    Give your parents some time.. They could just be having a hard time taking it in. Give them few months, weeks or whatever. And then maybe you could call them again and see what happens.. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Just be happy with your girlfriend and what makes you happy.
     
  3. EpicConfusion

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    No offense, but they sound like ignorant assholes. If that's what they want, stay away then. They're missing out on a great relationship with their daughter.
     
  4. Really

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    I'm sorry I can't find it now but I watched a video by Dan Savage where he talks about parents "misbehaving" towards their LGBT children. Basically, he equates their bad behaviour to a child's tantrum. Just as you wouldn't put up with that, neither should you put up with this. He says the one thing you have that they want is access to you. So, you withhold it. You tell them to smarten up or they won't have you in their lives.

    In your case, that means no more racist comments (and I'd actually say the word racist to them) and no more veiled threats regarding the extended family. Look up how to say girlfriend so you can tell people yourself. He says give them a time frame to adhere to and advise that at the end (he mentions a year), they either shape up or you ship out.

    If you can stand this, it sounds like they actually would want you in their lives so will, in fact, shape up. Good luck!
     
  5. EpicConfusion

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    Really has some good advice.
     
  6. pranbran

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    Really - I think I found the video you mentioned (Coming Out To Your Parents | Dan Savage: American Savage | TakePart TV - YouTube) - thank you so much for your sound advice! That really makes a lot of sense. I'm going to be seeing my parents tomorrow actually. They wanted to do something for my birthday. I'm thinking that might make a good (albeit harsh) marker. They have until my next birthday to get it together.

    Thank you so much - you have no idea how much better that makes me feel. I really was letting my parents "tantrum" get to me. Now I feel like I have a bit of control again. I really cannot thank you enough!
     
  7. Really

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    You're very welcome. If you feel like it, I'd be interested to hear how it goes.
    I've watched a couple of his videos and they seem quite sensible AND empowering.
     
  8. Anonymous777

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    I am so sorry, pranbran. It's a really hard situation. I understand your anger.

    As you know, your parents have a very traditional culture. That's the reason of their prejudices. Traditional people tend to be narrow-minded, homophobic, racist... They were brought up that way. If you think about it carefully, you should be sorry for them because their ignorance (I don't mean to offend you) doesn't allow them to support their daughter, accept the person you love and let you be happy. They are losing you because of that. That's not your fault, so don't feel guilty.

    My advice to you is to give them some time and see what happens. I cannot suggest anything else, sorry. It's difficult to deal with that situation. But live your life the way you want to. Don't let your parents to ruin your relationship with your girlfriend and to make you sad.

    If they really love you, they will get over their prejudices someday and they will accept you. But give them their time. It's difficult for them too.
     
  9. Peter Pansexual

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    Sorry bro, i know i don't understand how you feel, but remember: they are only acting how they were raised.

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2014 at 02:25 PM ----------

    idk

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2014 at 02:26 PM ----------

    sorry
     
  10. pranbran

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    Really - I will post about what happened in this thread once it's all said and done :slight_smile:

    Anonymous - Again, I totally understand having a hard time with this and it not being what they want or what they're used to. I would be perfectly fine if that's all it was. But the lying and the accusations and the racism, that's what's getting to me. I don't feel like anything can justify that. Even your upbringing. People can change if they want to, no matter how old they are. Why would you not want to change something like that?
     
  11. Anonymous777

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    I understand you. They don't have any rights to lie to your relatives and to treat your girlfriend like that.

    People can change. That's true. But it takes time. And I think that your parents are victims of themselves and of their upbringing.

    Finally, I want you to know that I totally support you and I don't mean to justify your parents' behaviour.
     
  12. pranbran

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    Oh no worries! I don't think you're trying to justify them at all - it's always a good idea to try and look at the other side of an issue. And I agree with you in that they are a product of their upbringing, and I understand why they are doing what they are doing. But I also believe they are smart enough to know what the right thing to do is, even if it's against their upbringing and not an easy transition from them. If they were showing any signs of making any progress, or at least trying, I wouldn't have an issue. Instead, it's just getting worse. That's where my anger comes from.
     
  13. Anonymous777

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    If they are smart enoguh, they'll choose their daughter instead of their traditional upbringing.

    They are shocked now, that's why they're acting that way.

    I really hope they'll make the right decision: their amazing daughter and her partner.
     
  14. Yossarian

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    You shouldn't give them the contact they want until they are are willing to treat both you and your partner with respect. When they disrespect her, they are also disrespecting you and your right to live your life in an appropriate way for your orientation. They need to act like adults, and even if they don't LIKE that you turned out to be gay, it was never your choice about it, so they should <Joan Rivers> Oh, Grow Up! </Joan Rivers> and behave with courtesy to you and your girlfriend, whether they like the situation or not.