Hi everyone. Before I launch into my own little drama, thanks for reading this. I appreciate anyone who can spare a moment or two to help me. First, some background. I'm in my early twenties, female and until January of this year, considered myself to be completely straight. I had had a few boyfriends, none of which were serious, and was comfortable with myself. Without going into too much detail, I moved abroad to pursue acting in the US and UK. I've been successful so far and it's for this reason I'm going to vague with certain things in this post. In January of this year, I met a woman who's turned my world upside down. She's a little older than me, is also in the entertainment industry but she's completely open about her homosexuality. When we met, we instantly got on like a house on fire. Shortly after we met, I had to go to another country for a little over a month for work. During that time, we spoke almost every day, sometimes for several hours and it was wonderful. Talking to her became the highlight of my day. I returned back to the US and we both agreed to hang out regularly, sometimes several times a week. It felt like I'd met my soul mate and it was around this time I began questioning my feelings for her. I hate to admit that the idea of having romantic feelings for her scared me. It kind of still does. It's not I have anything against homosexuality. I grew up in a very tolerant household and I love everyone no matter who they love. It's just that it went against everything I thought my life would be; "it's something that happens to other people, but not me" kind of thing. However, I did eventually come to terms with the fact that I am, when it comes to this one girl anyway, bi-sexual. But then again, since meeting her, I've all but lost interest in other guys too, so who knows what the hell I am. Work has been demanding for the both of us over the last few months but we still talk regularly and see each other as much as we can. Every time I'm with her, I want to kiss her and hold her and when I'm not with her, I hate it. I have trouble concentrating, I don't sleep well, I eat irregularly and sometimes at night, I just curl up and cry. It all sounds melodramatic, I know, and it's not like me. Nobody has ever made me feel like this. I want to just stop it but I can't. At the same time, the idea of being in a same-sex relationship is sort of terrifying and I often spend hours thinking it all. I want to tell her, but I'm scared she might not feel the same way about me. She's always very sweet to me but that doesn't mean she likes me and I am terrible at reading signals. I'm also scared that if we did get together and it became public, it could adversely affect my career. I want to succeed and do well, but I also want her. She's special to me. I tried looking online for advice, but my situation is rather specific so I couldn't really find anything that helped. Should I tell her? If yes, how should I do it? I considered inviting her over to my apartment for a meal or something and telling her that way, but that's kind of heavy and it might scare her off. But, at the same time, I want her to know I really like her. If you think I shouldn't tell her, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this or thinking about her. It's really messing with my life. Wow. This turned out real long didn't it? If you made it until the end, thank you once again. Any and all advice is appreciated. There's obviously many, many more details to all this but I'm pretty sure that all the main points are here. (*hug*)
I don't think your situation is that unusual. You're in love, and afraid to take the next step because you're not sure she feels the same way. Everything else is secondary. I'd either tell her, or let it go. Otherwise you'll just drive yourself crazy with it. If you don't try, you'll probably always wonder what if. Do you think she might out you if things don't work out? It seems a lot of actors are coming out these days, would it really be that detrimental? It doesn't seem to have been a bad move for most of them.
Thanks for the replies True, but it's ruined careers too. Competition is intense and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize my chances. I don't think she would out me. I'm more concerned about losing her as a friend. If I tell her and she doesn't feel the same, it might be awkward for her. Such a mess :icon_sad:
I'm pleased you've been able to come to us with your worries. Your feelings seem to be very mixed, varying between happiness, confusion and fear. It's quite a cocktail, isn't it? I read your posting carefully and there are a few points that I'd like to pick up on. I'm not expecting you to answer the questions, but you may like to consider them to help clarify your feelings. In the fourth paragraph you mentioned romantic feelings. For some people that's where it ends, they have romantic feelings for someone of the same sex, but they don't necessarily desire physical intimacy with that person. However, in the next paragraph you talked about desiring to kiss and hold your friend, so I'm guessing the physical and sexual connection is actually there (in your mind)? How intense is that feeling? Maybe you need some more time to really consider all of that. You used the word scared a number of times and it's hardly surprising as the events of this year have turned things upside down for you. Such a radical change in your feelings is bound to feel a little bit scary. Just thinking about the career worries first.. you say you are both employed in the entertainment industry, but you didn't specify if you are both actors. If she too is an actor, how does she reconcile being openly gay with wanting to succeed as an actor? Even if she's not an actor, the question still stands.. how does she manage the same fears? The other big fear you mentioned is the fear of revealing your true feelings to her. Well, by now she must realise how things have developed between the two of you. From not knowing each other in January you are now conversing often, spending more and more time together and enjoying each others company a lot. You know your friend, so how do you imagine she would respond if you reflected upon those points in a mealtime conversation? Would she just leave it hanging in the air or is she the sort of person who would take the conversation on so you could more easily share what you are both thinking? I hope these points help a little. If you can tell us more, it would be great to hear back from you.
Thank you for your reply Linco It certainly did get me thinking. She's a musician and she's been openly gay since she was a teenager. She came into the industry already out, so it's not been an issue for her. People in the music business seem to be more accepting than in movies. I suppose studios worry about how well a movie will sell if the leading female is gay but nobody really cares if a musician is gay or not. At first, I thought it might have just been emotional but I realized it's physical too. I've never found myself attracted to girls before, so it's still confusing for me. All I know for sure is that I want to be with her, to make her happy. I want her to think of me in the same way that I think of her. Also, since I have no experience with being with a girl, maybe she won't want to take the time? I really have no idea if she knows I have feelings for her. As far as I know, she thinks I'm straight, which made me think... perhaps I should just ask her about how she came out, how she felt and tell her I'm asking because I'm starting to question my own sexuality? That way, I don't need to risk the possibility of rejection or losing a friend but, at the same time, it gives her a way to reciprocate the feelings back. I hope that makes sense. I'm sorry if this seems silly or over the top but I'll only get one chance at this, so I want to make it right.
I think your idea of asking her how she came out and opening up the fact that you have started to question your own sexuality is a really good idea. You are attracted to her, but are still questioning your sexuality overall, so you would be telling the truth and you will probably learn a lot from her. It's ok to be questioning for now.
My only thought is - are you still questioning your sexuality? Because if you're not, you might want to rephrase what you say to her. She might be thinking you already know you're gay based on your relationship. Whatever state you're in, you may want to say something to the effect of How did she do it because you've never done it and you imagine it can be quite hard. I'm just worrying that if you say you're questioning she might begin to evaluate a future with you in a less than positive light. Hopefully, she wouldn't but if she worries about your "staying power", you might have an uphill battle to convince her otherwise. Break a leg!
