OK... I've been wondering how to type all this for a few days. Guess now that I'm falling asleep is a good time... Sorry for the long post. First a bit of background story: Only one friend knows I'm bi/mostly gay. I've been with a girl before... and that pretty much helped me realize that that's not for me - I just don't feel the same for girls as I feel for other guys. I feel I'm ready to come out, only problem being my job. It's one heck of a homophobic place. Changing jobs/career is not an option unfortunately, so keeping my private life completely separated from my work life is kind off important. I've tried to hit on a couple of guys in the past, always getting a clear rejection/signal that their not into it. But...to the story. There's this guy (he's 21). He's come to my place quite a few times to play a few games. When he's around here I, on purpose, get quite touchy to see how he reacts. The whole hugging him for no reason for a while (while playing games, with my arm around him), put my head on his shoulder when he showed me something on his phone (or just for the sake of it), or even just resting my hand on his leg (knee and upper thigh), and he never complained about it. I've also put my hand over his a lot of times... and he always just let it sit like that for like 5-10 seconds, and only then he moves it. While cooking, I've also hugged him on the lower back for a while, and he didn't seem to mind at all. Problem is, he's got a girlfriend. While talking to him about her, he told me their relationship was "OK". They don't see each other quite often, but keep it touch through texting. And he's chosen to come to my place instead of seeing here a few times. Heck, I think I saw him telling her he was at his house studying, instead of telling her the truth that he was at my place. And I've had a girlfriend too... and sorry for being so cruel, but to be honest I would've left her for a guy if the opportunity had come, once I realized I was just lying to myself. So... I need an outside perspective. What do you guys think? I'd love to just tell him outright (or just kiss him :lol, but unfortunately our group of friends include people that know people from my work place. IF I had someone, I wouldn't care if someone at my job found out. But being alone and out... not sure if I'd be able to handle it. I'm still willing to risk it for him... but I'd like to know what you think, if there's a chance... or any advice you could have. Thanks for reading the whole thing... it hasn't been easy to type it all, but I'm tired of not being able to be myself.
Hello there, thanks for opening up about your situation. I think you pointed out the problem here. It's not the fact that you are having feelings toward this guy but the fact that he is STILL in a relationship with someone is a red flag and it doesn't matter how shaky, ok or intact it is. They are still together. Seems like he's an open-minded person but basing from your post, it's as if you're the only one "engaging" the physical touch. Are you comfortable enough to tell him about your sexuality? Maybe this can open up what he is feeling towards you.
I'd have to agree, the thing is, be it guy or girl, gay or straight, if they are in a monogamous relationship, to my knowledge, I don't go there. I know different people have different opinions on this, but even were the guy gay, and he had a boyfriend, I'd still give the same advice.
Honestly just wait and see if their relationship lasts and if it doesn't then you may want to make a move possible bring up the subject to see how he reacts. But if his relationship does last don't mess with it that's not cool.
if you want to know is someone is gay you have to ask them. if you want to know if someone likes you, you have to ask them. if you want to know if someone may be interested in being in a relationship with you, you have to ask them. if someone is in a relationship, then they are not able to be in a relationship with you unless they cheat. you cannot expect to ask someone if they are gay, if you are not willing to come out to them first.
I have straight friends who hug me and I them, who will rest their arm over my shoulder, and who don't pull away if our arms or hands are touching each other. They have girl friends who I am friendly with too. As far as they know, I am straight. They don't mind the contact. That does not mean they would be receptive if I told them outright that I am gay and that I have a crush on them, because they are straight, but they would not freak out or gossip IF I told them I am gay and closeted at work, so please keep this to yourself. If you want to tell your buddy that you are gay, I would suspect that he would keep it to himself if you asked him to; neither of you are high-school kids looking for juicy gossip any more. You can also throw in something along the lines of "I guess you can understand now why I like to hang out with you instead of girls, because I am more comfortable around other guys than I am with girls. I know you have a girlfriend so it means nothing but that I am enjoying being friends and doing stuff with you, and I assume it is the same with you towards me." If he wants to say anything to you at this point about his own feelings about you, this gives him his opportunity to speak up, but don't expect too much, because he does have that girlfriend. In any event, even if he has no interest in being your boyfriend, you will have a friend who knows about you whom you can be open with, to support you, and he will understand better if you occasionally give him a hug or touch his hand, because you are "gay" and straight guys know how touchy-feely we "queers" are about stuff like that. :lol:
Thanks everyone... It really helps to be able to share all of this with you. If he was a girl and there wasn't such a big stigma about all this, I would've risked it already and told him. Unfortunately you guys know how hard this is. I know that I wouldn't let anyone I didn't like to get that touchy with me (I've been on the other side, with girls getting a bit too comfortable with me... and I wasn't interested). That's why I thought he could be feeling something, as I haven't sensed any rejection at all. Guess it's either a "screw it" and tell him, and see how he reacts. Or just go back inside until I get lucky with him or someone else... if it ever happens.
Sorry for the double post.... Been awake all night at work, and thinking about this. If he was in a relationship with another guy, I wouldn't go there. But... I did try to hide who I am (and lie to myself), by being with a girl. And the fact that I've never felt any rejection... That's what got me thinking he could be in the same boat - just going on with what's considered normal. I don't know, I'm just tired of lying to myself. To be honest... I kinda just want to tell him everything. For some reason, I feel it would be easier to just tell him outright that I like him, instead of first coming out as gay to him. Hopefully in the worst case, he would still consider me a friend and would keep my secret. Heck, I would want him to ask me all this... So I could tell him the truth. I would love for us to, in the worst case, stay at friends... But the fact of me not telling him everything hurts. Guess I don't want to be just friends while always thinking "what if". I'd rather have some closure. Problem is, I'm scared as ****. Not of being rejected, but just of the fact of me telling him - or that he would out me to someone else.
The people in this thread have said the best advice that there is - your friend is in a relationship, and you need to respect that if you want to have any future with this guy. Talk to him about his relationship without showing a distinct bias, even though I'm sure you would want to convince him to break up with the girl. That way, if your feeling are correct and you get together, you bond will be strengthened by the respect that you held for him. Best of luck.
1000candles, Thanks, I do see where you're coming from... But I feel like not telling him anything would just make it worst for me - as I would keep living in the hope that something could happen, but without taking any steps to try to achieve that. And if I had felt any kind of rejection, I would've backed off a long time ago (as I've done with a couple other guys). Maybe I'm wrong (and please do tell me if I am), but: couldn't I just tell him the whole truth, without forcing anything. And if he comes with the fact that he is in a relationship... Just tell him that I know, but that I felt it wasn't fair for him that I kept hiding the truth, and that I hope we can still be friends... As I trust him enough to tell him my secret (which only one other person knows). Or do you think that's still a bad idea? Thanks again,
You CAN tell both that you are gay AND that you have feelings for him at the same time. It has just been frequently noted that some people need time to absorb the idea that someone they thought was straight turns out to be gay. After they think about it for a while, then they usually wonder if that person has feelings for them, which gives them an opportunity to think about how they feel about the other person before having to express those feelings TO the other person. If you want to hit him with both facts at the same time, then you can certainly do that, but you risk him having an immediate knee-jerk reaction that you are coming on to him, a "straight" guy with a girlfriend, and he may not be very comfortable with that IF he doesn't feel the same way for you. If you stop first at "I'm gay", and he isn't gay also, then you can still be his "gay best friend" instead of "that gay guy who has something going for ME that I feel creepy being around".
So.... I'm a fucking mess right now, but I guess I owe you guys how this ended up. Just a few minutes ago, we were on my car, me taking him to his house before going to mine... and after asking him how he was going with his girlfriend again, I told him that I considered him a good friend and didn't want to lie to him... but "I thought you wanted something more than just friends... if you know what I mean". I told him how much I appreciated him... and that sorry for taking the wrong signs. He told me he did like me too... but as a friend only. A few minutes after, I told him "so I guess now you know why I always insisted for you to come over to my place and spend some time". He promised me to keep it to himself, and there's no reason for me not to believe him. He took it quite well I guess... but... I thought I could handle rejection better, but I can't. I had to hold my tears on my way back to my house. As soon as I crossed the door to my place I became the emotional mess I'm now. Guess I was stupid enough to actually have my hopes up. I wish I could shut down my emotions, and someone said in another thread - what's the point of going through all this if it only brings suffering.
Thanks for updating us but I am also sorry for what you are going through right now. I think you can learn from this experience and also realise that you were being truthful with your feelings towards him. He does seem like a nice person and my advice for you is to remain friends with him. I understand that it might be difficult for you to have the usual interaction but people like him are pretty rare. I still think the main issue here is that he's still in a relationship and I do hope you consider it next time you fall for someone. Take care.
It sucks to be rejected by someone you have feelings for, but you learned something valuable here. It is hard to tell how someone feels about you when you are emotionally gaga over them. You interpret casual things they do and say differently from what they intended. This is why it is usually better to come out first, which gives THEM the opportunity to say they have feelings for you if they do, instead of proceeding directly to the rejection of you if they don't, because they are straight. It saves you the embarrassment of exposing your feelings AND the simultaneous feelings of rejection when it happens. BUT, the good news is that even though he does not have romantic feelings for you, he didn't freak out when you told him you are gay, and still wants to be your friend, so once you get over your own sadness that he isn't in love with you, you can return to enjoying being with him and the friendship you still have.
