Help me: Need to come out to husband that I am not straight

After 7 years of struggling, after praying it would go away, after trying to ignore it, stuff it all down to keep my normal, married, family life going--even though I have no real connection anymore with my husband--these feelings, this knowing in my heart that I am not straight, has completely taken me over.

I had posted earlier about this, after finding this wonderful place, Sinking in my own truth, about what had happened to me and what I'm thinking of doing--telling tomorrow in the office of the therapist we have just started going to. I'm so scared, physically afraid. I tried to get the courage to tell him this weekend, just him and me, but I couldn't. I don't feel safe emotionally with him, there have been so many years of emotional trouble in this family.

But I can't fight it anymore. The idea of having a penis inside of me one more time, makes me physically ill--those acts of sex with a man seem absolutely abnormal to me, that I shouldn't have to do those things anymore. My husband is not a bad man, not a perv and we have been a couple since I was 18. I'm 47 now. Penetration feels like assault. I'm just being very honest to you in this forum and to me. I crave to be connected to a woman in every way, to want to hold her, and sit and talk and have it mean something. and the idea of sex with a woman now seems normal to me, after years of not wanting to look directly at that truth. It's been a journey to get to this point, a journey of shame and denial, and I'm finding acceptance. But I didn't want any of this. No one would choose this.

This will mean divorce, splitting up the household, affecting our two teenage sons. Losing stability. I am the main breadwinner, we aren't rich but we aren't poor. I've said the financial stuff would ruin me, but I'm changing on that. It is only fucking money. I grew up very poor so I get that financial stability is a big deal for me.

I'm desperate to hear from women who have lived through this. I'm desperate to know it is going to be ok. This has consumed my life and I feel it can't go on any longer. I'm so afraid, so despondent.

 

I just wanted to thank you both for your replies and words of support. This is a wonderful place for people to come. I wish I had found it a couple of years ago. I don't know if I truly have the courage to do what I know I need to do tonight. But I think it is going to happen because it absolutely has to.

 

You are both so helpful and kind, I thank you. You've given me strength and insight. I will let you know, thank you again.

 

I wanted to share that I did go through with saying those words to my husband in front of the therapist. I almost didn't, couldn't get them out. I was already crying in the car on the way there and felt lightheaded getting into the office--I'm glad I didn't throw up. I said the words in the order that I felt I needed to, starting by saying I had never been unfaithful to him but that I had been struggling with this for 7 years and I've lost the will to fight it, and that I had to be honest with him. I cried the whole time, the therapist then moderated the discussion (thank god for her--this incredible professional), and she was really wonderful, supporting both of us. My husband's reaction was complex, at times showing denial, and at times showing some understanding (I remember him referring to the robotic sex, and that now it made a little more sense). In terms of denial, he seemed to focus on all of my recent health and dental problems as something that has caused me to become very depressed, and that if I could get a better handle on that, I won't be so depressed....and I felt like if he continued the words he wanted to say I would have heard, "and you wouldn't be thinking that you're gay, cuz you're not--you can't be--you've been with me for 30 years."

Alot of the conversation was a blur--but my husband talked about maybe I need to explore this with someone--he meant another therapist to talk about it. When he said that, I turned to the therapist and I said, "I know I'm a mess and maybe didn't say everything right, but I did tell you a few minutes ago that I've worked with two therapists over the years on this, I've done that! She said, "Yes, you did."

The therapist ended the session saying, now we know, and nothing changes overnight. We agreed we could stay in the house together, and can be kind to one another while we take these next steps, especially for our children. Our sons are graduating high school and grammar school this year--we agree we need to be mindful of them, focus on applying to college and high schools, while we deal with this situation.

The night was difficult, but I had a relief in a small way. I won't have to face sex with him, there will be no expectation of that. Right before I went to bed, he came into our bedroom without a word and just hugged me (we haven't had any contact in over a month). He held onto me, but just gently and sincerely. All I could muster was, "I don't know what to say." He said, " You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to give you a hug."

There was more conversation in the morning before work, with him saying there is a fork in the road, and I'll have to decide the way. We can work on our marriage problems, but if what I want is to be with women, there is nothing he can do about that. He didn't say it in a nasty way. It was just very direct.

I am a mess of course, processing it all. I tried not to think of what things would be like after coming out to my husband. Things don't go poof magically with everything behind me and suddenly I'm out with some pretty girl just getting to know her, etc. I got up, went to work, have to go to back to school night, and continue on with life's tasks. But I have been honest to the one person I must be (after myself). That is good enough for now.

 

To everyone who has responded to me before and since--thank you so much for your kindness, your support. I can't come up with the right words to express my gratitude and love for you all. Your realistic guidance, pragmatic words, and encouragement about my long-term happiness have helped me so much in the short time I've been on EC. EC is a blessing. I've reflected on the words shared with me over the last several days in very dark moments, moments of self-doubt and despair. They comfort me. and I hope that my words can provide comfort to others as well in the days to come. xx

---------- Post added 17th Sep 2014 at 08:40 AM ----------

Dear Frkldbklvr45, thank you for sharing your story by responding to mine, it touched me greatly because I truly understand the journey you are on, I share it. There is something comforting about knowing you are not alone, after feeling that you are for so long. I believe beginning work with a therapist will give you much needed professional support--someone experienced who can guide you on this journey. I've gotten strength from this forum in just a few days--a connection with people that I have been lacking this entire time. May you find comfort and support all along the way. I am here for you and so are others.